How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Kate McCoy Your Own Question

Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
54658078
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Kate McCoy is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im 24. Back in February I started a seeing a guy named Hobie

Customer Question

I'm 24. Back in February I started a seeing a guy named Hobie who happened to be my best friend Andrew's cousin (Hobie and Andrew are as close as brothers). I told Hobie from the beginning that I wasn't interested in just a sexual relationship. We started going on dates and did have sex. Things were fine, until it became apparent that it truly bothered Andrew, so in June when Hobie was going to be away for two months we decided to stop things because Hobie wasn't okay with how much it was bothering Andrew. I understood to an extent and we decided to be friends. At the end of the summer Hobie decided that Andrew would have to take a back seat because he wanted to try with me. But, by this time, I had committed to moving in October to Buffalo ( which is 6 hours away ). I told him, because we have a policy of being totally up front and honest with each other. (We are good friends regardless of all this) And he said that, yet again we are attracted to each other but just happen to be going in different directions to the same end goal. He is not the type for technology, he lives out in new jersey where it takes him 45 mins to get to a grocery store. Needless to say communication is sporadic, always has been, so that is nothing abnormal to me. We have seen each other twice since he has been home. Once we met up for a night away for his birthday, slept together, hung out, had dinner all of that. The other was a camping trip with his extended family, we were just as we always had been, and also slept together then (sex, as we have countless times). I guess I am a month away from leaving, and it seems that now all we talk about is sex. I don't know if I am making excuses for this guy and he isn't interested in me, except for sex, or if he just is as scared of the distance (as his last girlfriend cheated on him while he was stationed in japan when he was in the military) and truly meant what he says, just wrong timing... again. My friends all automatically think the worst and I don't trust their opinions not being biased. I love him, I know I do. I just am not sure what to do, or if I should just leave it alone and be friends while I am away and let the chance of him finding someone else while I am gone happen. I feel like a lost 16 year old girl, it's a bit ridiculous. Normally I am good about this stuff and can think rationally and mature about these things. I believe it is all coming from the fact that I know I love him, hate the idea of him with anyone else, and since he isn't forthcoming with his feelings and thoughts unless asked and guarded with being vulnerable I don't know what he thinks and start to believe that maybe he is just like every other guy and has no interest in me. It seems that all the normal rules for guys doesnt apply here. Guess I just need an outsiders opinion. Sorry this is so long. It's a bit of a babble but I need an unbiased opinion. Say something to him or not? Not that it would make a difference.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like Hobie is interested in you from what you have described. Given what your relationship has been through already with distance issues and his cousin interfering, it would have been easy for him (or you) to walk away and have good reason to do so. But he seems to continue to be interested in being with you, regardless of the circumstances.

It may help you to sit down with him and talk this out. You both know your situation and understand that it is hard to be together. See if it is possible for you to continue your relationship by changing some things between you. For one, ask Hobie if he is willing to try with technology to contact you a bit more often. It is not hard to work with Skype or a similar program and once he gets used to it, it would make your relationship easier. Second, talk to Hobie about what goals you both have for your relationship. Where is it going? What end goal do you have? What does he feel needs to happen next? Without knowing his feelings about it, it is hard to determine if he is committed enough to continue the relationship.

Also, is it possible for him to move to where you are going to be? You may want to introduce the idea to see what he says. It might not be possible now, but it could be in the near future.

And make plans on when you will see each other. It might be possible to visit each other, taking turns so it is not stressful on either of you exclusively.

You may also want to tell Hobie your fears about him being with you only for the sex. It always helps in a relationship to be as honest and open as you can be. That lets the other person respond and you can typically gauge where they are with what you are bringing up. For example, if Hobie would hesitate when you talk about other relationships or your fear about his interest only being sex, that tells you that he is not sure or he might be untruthful with you. But if he addresses it right away, you may be able to see that he is being honest with you.

See how your new arrangement goes and talk about it again after you get settled to see what might need changed. It is not easy to have a long distance relationship, but it is possible with some work and good communication.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate








May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Hi Kate,


 


I really appreciate the advice you gave me. I thought long and hard about it and something just isn't right. I couldn't bring myself to say anything or ask him to do that. I think I know in my heart that he isn't where I would need him to be for a realtionship. I also think that he has trust issues from his first and last girlfriend cheating on him while he was stationed overseas in Japan.


 


I don't think that I want to be the girl he gets over those issues with or experiements getting over them with. I want him, I do. I hate the idea of him with anyone else, but I also know that he needs to go out and experience life a bit more. He isn't ready to settle and he told me from the beginning that he doesn't do distance. So I won't ask it of him.


 


I love him. With every fiber of my being, which is a joy and a curse. But, they say if you love something you have to let it go... right? I guess, I also need to do some of my own exploring. Get settled with what I want from my career and from myself as a human being. Kind of learn more about me.


 


I think my only thought now is do I tell him I love him? Is that selfish to do? I don't even think he loves me back. He is so protective of any type of vulnerability, which is understandable. I know he has it in him to be loving, affectionate and vulnerable given time, because he has the most loving family. Yet, I don't think he is mentally ready to take that leap. And I won't settle for having less than all of him. So, my question is now, I won't see him before I move this week. Can I write him a short letter telling him that I am in love with him?


 


I feel like I should tell him for my own peace of mind, because not every day is guaranteed and I don't want to ever say I didn't take the chance to say what I needed too. I want him to know that someone else loves him, is proud of him and believes in him aside from his family. I want him to continue being friends with me. But I also don't want him to think that this means I am asking anything from him, because I am not. I hope he loves me, I know he likes me and is interested in me but I don't think he is there yet mentally to love and be vulnerable like that.


 


I am just not sure what to do. Oh, silly young love! I feel like I am in high school asking such things.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
I would be more than happy to continue working with you on any new questions you have. All I ask is that you remember to rate my answers for each new/different question you ask. Or, if you choose, you can start a new question page. Thanks!

Kate
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5451
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Of course, I rated your first answer with an excellent when you first answered! You were extremely helpful, I apprecaited that.


 


Sydney

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
Thank you!

If you feel prepared to accept any answer he gives, it is certainly a good idea to tell him how you feel. Unless you feel it would be too difficult to accept no response or a negative response from him, then letting him know what you feel not only helps you take that chance, but it also allows you to move on if things do not work out. There is, of course, a great chance that it will work out, given time and his ability to work through his issues.

The last thing you want to do is let it go if you feel strongly about your feelings for him. You may not get what you want by telling him (or you might get what you want!), but never trying means that you will always have to live with "I wonder what would have happened if....". And regrets leave a lot to the imagination and also can cause you to feel that you suffered a loss, which can take a lot of time to work through. So writing him the letter is a good idea, even if you feel he might not be ready to hear it.

Kate
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I am ready to accept whatever happens, even if it is no response. I mean it's a part of life, but you are right I don't want regrets. This I would regret.


 


I guess my biggest worry is that telling him through a letter is a cop-out. I would rather have told him in person but that isn't an option and through a text or phone call seems so silly or makes it seem unimportant. Though, I am not sure a letter is any better of an alternative.

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 10 months ago.
THIS ANSWER IS LOCKED!
You can view this answer by clicking here to Register or Login and paying $3.
If you've already paid for this answer, simply Login.

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency