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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My husband stare at women when I am with him. And I mean stare.

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My husband stare at women when I am with him. And I mean stare. If it was just a glance, that I can understand, but blatantly just stares and then denies it and blames me for imagining the whole thing. Why would I imagine it! He has in the past, pushed me out of the way to get up to this young thing to flirt and stare at her. I felt hurt and totally disrespected by him. I am 53 years young and still very attractive. I am tall and slim and slightly big busted and cute. We have plenty of sex! Why does he do this. We have been married for 22 years and this all started at 16 years of marriage. When all this started he was having trouble keeping an erection. He had a testosterone test done and he is very low. I think it is all mid age crazies. Same time he bought his fast car, fast motorcycle, fast boat! He has lost my trust, cause all his lying. Is it possible that he looks but does not even know he is doing is? That is what he is telling me. Help I am so hurt and disappointed in him. What to do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful and frustrating situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have to say that I do totally agree with you

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could be normal and acceptable as long as it does not become an unhealthy, compulsive, or dysfunctional behavior. The fact that he stares this much while aware of how much it hurts you and denies it, shows he is not being respectful, nor caring about your feelings and avoiding to take responsibility for his own actions. This is all unacceptable.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The period when these behaviors started were when he began to experience erectile dysfunction, what also happened when he bought all these fancy vehicles, which is not uncommon behavior present in people with self-esteem issues, poor assertiveness, and a distorted sense of self and relationships. I do not think he does not know what he is doing, unless he happens to have brain damage or such a serious mental disability not allowing him to be aware of these obvious situations. He attends and actively participates of your church activities, what could be easily used as a means to fuel this healthy-holy image, while shaping unhealthy reality by his disrespectful actions. This is very sad, but unhappily not an uncommon scenario.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: Yes, it does and I have thought all this. But he is destroying our marriage. I will be gone one day and he will say, " how did this all happen"! He is so deceitful in many other ways, but he justifies every one of them. He tells me that I should always think that he is a good man and he means well. Well, that is a bunch of crap. That is his way of telling me that he is a good guy and that I should just excuse he untruthful behavior, cause He means well! Ha! I do not want a divorce, but I cannot live with his lying! I think what else has he lied to me about that I do not know. I understand about him finding women attractive, cause men look at me and say that I am very attractive, but to stare at them in front of me and push me to side, that behavior is WRONG! I will give him a glance, but be done and if it is a longer look and another look and another look, the be honest and confess! But he gets mad and defiant and screams at me saying I was seeing things! But then. Weeks later confess that he was looking at he sunglasses after. He got mad and blame me for making it up! He has a if problem and he needs help. But what do I do!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are absolutely right, from your story it is obvious tome that your husband has serious personality problems, and mental health problems, and he has been very manipulative, disrespectful and even abusive. Only you know how painful it's been for you to experience this situation for all this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As frustrating as it sounds, as long as he does not even acknowledge his actions and takes full responsibility for them it would be hopeless to expect any significant improvement in your situation, it would only get worse with time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He needs professional psychological treatment, but it could only work if he happens to be fully honest and open about his personal issues creating the marital problems, and be willing to work on making real changes, He is far from doing this according to your story, and that's why I do not think there is much you can do about it but to reassess your priorities here, what you are willing or not to afford and based on that take consistent actions.

Customer: Praise The Lord, he just told me that he will get some help with this issue. I felt it was sincere! So we will see! Thank you for your words. I will keep this conversation on hand! This, I feel is a big step for him! 5 years ago we went to counseling together, but he did not want to go and he said hardly anything and the counselor told Harry, after weeks of counseling i just figured it out, you just don't get it! I think the counselor gave up on us! I told Harry this morning that I am done with his lying and I am making plans for my future without him and I think that must have gotten him thinking. Praise The Lord! Thank you..:). I hope he follows through with this!
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am glad to know about it. Now everything would be about consistent actions and work, and not about words. From his concrete actions, work and changes you would know how honest and truly caring he happens to be. Let's be hopeful and see what time and experience show you, from there you would know what to do, not allowing yourself to get into the same vicsious circle any more.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. I am glad to kow this has been helpful. Take gentle care and consistent action.

Customer: Thank you!..:)
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please feel free to contact me for any further support since I am willing to support you and follow up. (Please remember to rate support, thanks).

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