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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Dear Rafael, i never thought i would need a specialist advice

Customer Question

Dear Rafael,

i never thought i would need a specialist advice but my current relationship situation seems to be un-resolvable and unbearably painful.

I was married for 10 years, have a 4 y.o child , but our family life got so extremely unhappy that we did not have any normal contact for the last 4 years, after our child was born. I met a man at my office and we started a very stormy, passionate relationship. I can't even call it an affair - it was more than that from the very beginning. i don't get attached to people easily or quickly - i usually need some time to form a connection. i did not have any meaningful long relationships in my life as i met my husband very early, when i was a teenager. i grew up since then and changed. The man from my office was married at the time, no children in that marriage. our relationship turned into a very serious one straight away. we decided we would move in together and get married in the first couple of months. i wanted this, but probably needed more time. i don't have much experience and i was taken right into the middle of events so quickly that i could not properly process many things. i made some attempts to slow it down because so many people and children involved, but i guess my boyfriend (don't know how can i refer to him for the purpose of this letter) always took it as my lack of desire to be together. just because we were not on the same level of determination to make live changing decisions he always applied some pressure, not in a very obvious way but i did not want to loose him. i simply could not say no just to avoid upsetting him. i agreed to many things without thinking. and it is not like me. i was getting extremely nervous when he did not see me, it was a true roller-coaster for me. our respective spouses were on business trips most of the time, so we could meet at work and after. i so wanted him to be happy that i tried to 'shelve' all the issues we had. i really tried to accommodate all his plans for us even if i felt it was the wrong timing. it all was like a huge storm that took me and carried away. i was uncomfortable with some things, but any discussion seemed to upset him and i did not know how to deal with this - so i kept on agreeing to everything.

we wanted a child and because of our age there was no point in waiting. we tried to conceive. but after some time, when i realized that i could not take all those changes at once i asked for some time off trying. and i fell pregnant the same month. My first reaction was a shock because it got to the point where i could not ask for any contemplation time. all changes in my life had to happen in a matter of months - divorce, leaving job, getting my child to school, a new baby. i got a depression. this was confirmed by my gp. i had it before at the university so i knew what i was dealing with. since then it was a matter of survival for me. i could not take any medicine because i was pregnant and i tried to cope on my own. after some time i realized that i can't take popper care of myself and my daughter, so i moved to my parents because i could not burden anyone else with this terrible illness. My boyfriend tried to reach out and help in every way but depression made me indifferent to many things - emotionally i was in a very dark place, nothing could make me happy. only because i knew i was ill i did not do anything to myself.

by the time of the first baby scan i found out that the pregnancy was not developing anymore. i wrote it to my boyfriend. i could not discuss this - it was so painful that i could not breath. the fact that i did not ask for his help offended him the most. i lost him at that moment.

now i am on medication and feel some improvements, i got all the feelings back and i miss him so much, so intensely that i choke on my tears. i wrote to him. he cannot forgive me for running away, for not taking his help, for the pain i had inflicted on him and his feelings. he says he forgave, but wants us to go different ways now. i can see his point, he wants to save himself, its a self-preservation thing. i have no right to ask him of anything as he already gave me all he could. I don't even see whether we would ever have a chance to be together, shall i try to get him back? or it will only cause more pain for him. i love him and miss him so much that it hurts.

sorry for scrambled thoughts , i hope it all makes some sense
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

hello

Customer:

sorry for a long letter

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello. I am sorry t know about this very painful situation,please let me reread it to better understand it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please hold on

Customer:

ok

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating.

Customer:

it is

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your story shows how much you risked because of this relationship, how much he pushed you n dhow much you allowed him to get you deeper and faster into so many changes.

Customer:

he only pushed me because it a part of his personality, to have a very definite plan

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most times it is never wise to get into a serious relationship wile still into another one, even less to rush things they way you did. But then you got pregnant, you both wanted it and you got very depressed, and that just overwhelmed you even more, and that could easily explain your poor coping and emotional reactions.

Customer:

i am exactly the opposite - i am scared of definite immediate plans

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But that is a deficiency when the person disregards XXXXX XXXXX all the other factors involved, and the requirements to actually build a healthy and fulfilling relationship, bypassing time and phases would never lead to a good place for sure.

Customer:

i have a very strong personality but i hate to upset anyone, so i tent to agree. i did not want to loose him so i allowed him to push me - although i knew he loved me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think yous tendency to agree, to please people could be a core issue, around codependency, which has led you to self-sabotage this much fueling this while painful situation

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Without setting good, healthy and clear boundaries and limits in a relationship, there is no way to make it evolve well, because mutual respect, understanding and support are essential, and by pushing one partner, or pleasing the other while betraying yourself, your core needs what you truly wanted, there's no way for it to evolve well.

Customer:

i knew that i needed more time and compressing all the dating, proposal, moving to a new place and having a baby into 6 months time was too much. i know that. but a hint at all those feeling only upset him, because he felt otherwise. he tried to be helpful and understanding. but he never properly trusted me and i have a tendency to keep things to myself - not on purpose, i was always this way. people did not talk in my family

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

When you got pregnant and then knew the baby was not well, you were already very depressed and out of it you were not able to cope, you did not willingly want to hurt him, you were suffering a lot

Customer:

i try to find a way to explain what happened to him - why i took some time off, why i did not allow him to take care of me and went to my parents

Customer:

i feel extremely guilty for the loss of this baby, i did not take propper care of myself at the time

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, then while he continued to push you more and more like a teenager, you were repressing more and more everything affecting you, and that's why you got depressed, then the trauma of your pregnancy just triggered everything else.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You were suffering and required that support, I do not think you did worn by looking for their support when feeling this overwhelmed, but he does not seem to have necessary insight to even understand it.

Customer:

i thought about that. i thought a divorce was a huge enough event to give it some time, because we have a child etc.. but for him things are more straight forward

Customer:

he wanted to be the person who would support me, not anyone else. that offended him most in his own words. and i wanted to recover and i hate to burden others with my problems

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would never call his personality and behavioral traits healthy nor assertive, but impulsive, pushy, and unrealistic, uncaring, since disregarding your feelings, your needs and expectations, and when those core aspects are missing , there is no way a person could play a healthy role in another person's life.

Customer:

i suffered a great deal. he did too. he mourns the loss of the baby. he thought i aborted it

Customer:

i know we are both very sore from the experence. i will never blame him because i love him. i just wanted for us to start again - slower, without any definite plans yet.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he does not even have the capacity, willingness and trust about you and your feelings, caring and actions, it is obvious his impulsivity and lack of insight have been undermining his role in the relationship from the very beginning.

Customer:

he is definitely impulsive - i am the opposite, i absorb everything and try not to be confrontational

Customer:

i know that he emmidiately offered me everything - marriage, love, his heart

Customer:

i was not ready to plunge into all these so soon - but i was scared to loose him, he insisted on a sooner time frame

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and that shows how much you care about him and your relationship, but it seems that it is not reciprocal. he did not listen nor respected your core needs and expectations from the beginning, and he has kept that pattern to the present, then I see that expecting something better from him seems hopeless, once he is not taking accountability for his own choices and actions, nor even recognize where he was wrong

Customer:

he does know that he was pushy, he is sorry for that. but i don't think he sees what i came through and he cannot forgive me my behaviour.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why I said he shows personality and behavioral traits of a very immature, impulsive person, who doe snot have very good insight about reality and from there appears unable to be empathic so to respect your feelings and needs, to become truly supportive and understanding.

Customer:

do you think truly supportive differs from the person who truly wants to help but does it in him own way?

Customer:

i know he wanted to help - he did everything he could to keep me and our baby

Customer:

i know he loves me - but he is not generous with his soul - he tries to show me what i have lost as if to punish me - it feels this way.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily reality is showing you through his actions much more about the quality of his feelings towards you. people could use words about love and promises many things, but it is through their concrete actions that you really know how real, healthy, mature and responsible are his feelings, commitment, caring about you and real willingness to work on himself to deserve you and a life together, and after this painful episode he is already showing so much , and it is not something easy to behold for anybody in your shoes, but it is consistent with his impulsiveness and poor maturity.

Customer:

i can be called secretive by nature and that offended him to the bottom of his heart - but i could not change myself overnight

Customer:

his impulsiveness is something that i could never deal with other than being calm

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That would be, if you want to call if love, very unhealthy and selfish love, love that does not respect you, your individuality, your needs, your reality, but one that pushes his ego over you no matter what.

Customer:

we never argues

Customer:

it did feel that he wanted to take me no matter what - baby felt to be one of the instruments to get us into a family

Customer:

but maybe i am wrong

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's why your communication never evolved enough, nor the mutual trust and intimacy, because you are so different, I would say even incompatible in the way you address life, and he's show unwillingness to even acknowledge his own faults here, how much they have shaped everything that happened.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you know for sure is that he is not there right now, that regardless of all the sacrifices, and pain you have faced, now he chooses not to be there, showing the nature of hos love and commitment

Customer:

i kknow he tried many things to remedy this situation - me slipping away, he was very pro-active. i am grateful for his love and attention but i need a shoulder to cry on and he seems to be trying to shield himself, protecting himself from further pain. i understand that. we both are single noe - we both separated from our spouses. i don't blame him for anything - just want to try to find words to explain that i need him and why i 'run' away

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Here you have been very clear, direct, honest and open, and as long as you happen to be the same while communicating with him, there would be no better approach for you to take, and everything else depends on him. If he chooses to continue disregarding your pain, and all your efforts for healing and growing together, because of his personal problems, then there would be nothing more for you to do about it, but to focus on your one healing, to learn from this very painful, even traumatic experience, for you not to expose to any form of manipulation , to being used in any way by anybody.

Customer:

what i felt was best described as cornered

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you do have to take good care of yourself,, be very objective and proactive, otherwise you would end self-sabotaging again undermining your own rehabilitation. While you take good care of yourself, you would be able to better assess relality and see with more clarity the nature and impact of this person in your life in the past an din the present too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please, remember that I am here to support you, and I am willing to assist you as possible. It is clear to em that you need professional counseling support yo work on your own healing, for effectively coping with this situation, to get stronger and wiser from it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I hope you could reflect on it and take consistent action getting the support you need and deserve from a good psychotherapist, and from your support system, those healthy and caring people from your family and close friends willing to support you.

Customer:

thank you

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach