Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am truly sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful reality you have been experiencing in your marriage.
I cannot imagine how you feel because of a situation like this, only you know that.
Unhappily I do not see how any effort you could put on healing this reality could work in your marriage as long as he keeps his affair with his lover. Counseling would become useless as long as he does not take full responsibility for his choices and actions and starts respecting you and your marriage if he really cares and wants to have a new chance in your marriage, to deserve you back and to gain your trust.
I believe his current actions become very manipulative and could retraumatize you even more, since he expects you t stay with him, while he keeps his lover into his life.
the thing is that his psychiatrist is telling him to be true to himself and to take the time he needs in order for him to find himself. If I understand you correctly you are saying that it would be useless for us to move back together until he can truely have closure?? I am not sure he will ever get that.
This is very complex, and the way to address it totally depends on you, on your values, belief system, and the core expectations and needs you may have in your marriage. If you happen to feel comfortable with his behavior, with him keeping his affair while with you, and willing to afford the consequences of allowing him to do that, then you would keep this the way it is. But if you feel his ways do not match or are incompatible with who you are, with what you need and expect from your husband, and/or are not willing to take the consequences of having your husband living with you when keeping his lover, then you should set boundaries and limits and commit to them. he would have to choose what he wants and take full responsibility for his choices and actions.
If he truly wants to work on healing your marriage and deserve you back, we would do everything in his power to make that real, taking full responsibility for his feelings,choices and actions, But if he does not feel that way, he would continue to be manipulative and try to keep you and his lover as much as possible. Obviously she does not have a problem with that at all, and who knows what they could expect or plan for the future, but are you truly willing to afford it right now and in the long run?
He says he wants us to work, but I doubt he will ever be able to lose contact completely with her. Even if they never see each other again, he wishes to have a certain amount of contact just to know how she is doing. The easiest thing for me is to just let things sail on, but i cannot see me being happy with the situation in the the long term.
I also feel a bit of a disadvantage as his therapist is telling him to be true to himself (he has also been very depressed)
I see it is only me who can decide this, I am seeing him tomorrow and will try to be assertive enough to set my own boundries . thankyou for your help.