How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been married for 37 yrs and for the past year my husband

Customer Question

I have been married for 37 yrs and for the past year my husband has been having an affair with a teenage sweetheart who lives in the states, they have had severel holidays together and have been having almost daily contact. We have been living apart for the last 6mths and are now talking about getting back together again. We both agree that we have worked hard to make our marriage last over the years and until this affair started we were relatively happy. My husband says that he has always had feelings for this women although he sees that for various reasons (mainly practical) it would not be possible to create a home with her. My dilemma is that he is unable to cut comunication with her completely and we are now (husband and myself) in a dialog to try to find a way of living together with her as a ghost as he calls her. My husband is having counceling with a psychiatrist who has suggested that in order for this to succeed we need to work together . I am rather confused and not sure how to go forward on this. I do wish us to succeed,but I am afraid that the other lady will pop up at any time.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am truly sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful reality you have been experiencing in your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I cannot imagine how you feel because of a situation like this, only you know that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily I do not see how any effort you could put on healing this reality could work in your marriage as long as he keeps his affair with his lover. Counseling would become useless as long as he does not take full responsibility for his choices and actions and starts respecting you and your marriage if he really cares and wants to have a new chance in your marriage, to deserve you back and to gain your trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe his current actions become very manipulative and could retraumatize you even more, since he expects you t stay with him, while he keeps his lover into his life.

Customer:

the thing is that his psychiatrist is telling him to be true to himself and to take the time he needs in order for him to find himself. If I understand you correctly you are saying that it would be useless for us to move back together until he can truely have closure?? I am not sure he will ever get that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very complex, and the way to address it totally depends on you, on your values, belief system, and the core expectations and needs you may have in your marriage. If you happen to feel comfortable with his behavior, with him keeping his affair while with you, and willing to afford the consequences of allowing him to do that, then you would keep this the way it is. But if you feel his ways do not match or are incompatible with who you are, with what you need and expect from your husband, and/or are not willing to take the consequences of having your husband living with you when keeping his lover, then you should set boundaries and limits and commit to them. he would have to choose what he wants and take full responsibility for his choices and actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he truly wants to work on healing your marriage and deserve you back, we would do everything in his power to make that real, taking full responsibility for his feelings,choices and actions, But if he does not feel that way, he would continue to be manipulative and try to keep you and his lover as much as possible. Obviously she does not have a problem with that at all, and who knows what they could expect or plan for the future, but are you truly willing to afford it right now and in the long run?

Customer:

He says he wants us to work, but I doubt he will ever be able to lose contact completely with her. Even if they never see each other again, he wishes to have a certain amount of contact just to know how she is doing. The easiest thing for me is to just let things sail on, but i cannot see me being happy with the situation in the the long term.

Customer:

I also feel a bit of a disadvantage as his therapist is telling him to be true to himself (he has also been very depressed)

Customer:

I see it is only me who can decide this, I am seeing him tomorrow and will try to be assertive enough to set my own boundries . thankyou for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency