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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Relationship Fell Apart Due to Wanting Children

Resolved Question:

I am 29 year old professional, was previously in a long term relationship/marriage of 7 years and have been divorced for 3 years now. My ex boyfriend (who is 41 and has 2 children - twins 8 years of age - from a previous marriage that ended 6 years ago) and I recently broke up about 5 days ago due to the discussion of me wanting to have a family of my own. We dated for a little over a year, we have had this discussion before after 6 months into our relationship and broke up over the same topic (I want to have a child, he doesn't want any more children). We split up for a few weeks and then got back together when he said he needed more time to think about it and be open to it since it was our first discussion about this and I felt it was worth the time to give because I love him and I want that future with him. He is already a wonderful father and provider. We have a wonderful friendship and courtship. Its a sad situation, because we love each other so much. So 6 months goes by and he has had time to think about it, he told me he just doesn't have the desire to have any more children. He doesn't know if its fear due to his ex wife divorcing him and taking him to the cleaners with alimony and child support or if its due to his age and starting over 41.... He is one of the most honest and respectful people I know, and we have no problem communicating difficult situations/topics. He understands the desire I have and knows that is what I deserve if I want to be a mom/wife. I am very close to his boys and they see me as their step mother. We just aren't on the same page. I haven't had any communication with him since the break up, which tells me there is no way he is changing his mind. What are the odds of him changing his mind based on this circumstance? He is my best friend and I even considered giving up children altogether to be with him, and that may be his 2 boys will be enough for me, but I really want to experience parenthood, the experience of pregnancy, and I simply adore children. Its something I definitely knew I wanted to have all my life. I didn't have any children with my ex husband because he had an affair early on in our marriage and the trust and communication wasn't there.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Norman M. replied 1 year ago.
You have done a very brave, and very wise thing. If you two were not on the same page, as you put it, about your desire to have children, then this relationship was doomed before it even started.

Sorry, but I believe you are well out of it, and it is time to move on. There is no point, and indeed, it would be unnatural to repress the most primal urge a woman can have - to be a mother.

Even if he said he had changed his mind, I think it would be very risky to take that at face value, given your recent cirumstances. Can you imagine the shock and bitterness you would suffer if you found out later that he was lying?

Chin up, lady, move on, and find the man you want and deserve.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

It was a very hard decision especially because he and I were great partners. Both in successful, stable careers (which is hard to come by these days) but also I feel its very hard to find someone you are compatible with which we were. Every component for a successful relationship/marriage were there, communication, honesty, trust, friendship, love, respect, humor, stability (financially and emotionally). I am just in shock that because he has 2 beautiful and well behaved children I am surprised that he wouldn't be open to have 1 more child since we are such a wonderful fit.


 


I am a true believer in love comes first before the baby carriage, and I don't want to make the decision of having a child for the sake of just having one. I want to make sure its with the right partner, and I am taking a leap of faith that it will happen. I worry a lot that it won't happen and I gave up a wonderful and happy relationship for the chance to find that again with someone else.


 


My generation is so different, I feel like everyone is looking for the better or greatest thing. I didn't feel that with him, we both gave each other the security of a monogamous relationship. We did not want to break up, this is more of my decision than anything, I just don't want to be making a mistake. But I guess I will never know and time will only tell.


 


Its a hard concept to follow as we did live together and lived a very similar life as a marriage. We talked about marriage and spending together forever. I know every relationship is different, I know I need to move on and let myself heal.


 


I do think he is making the biggest mistake of his life letting fear and age get in the way. How do I cope with this breakup and should there be communication between us or should I cut all ties?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Relist: Other.
Generic Advise... need more of an understanding
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help.

Beyond your need for personal physical survival - food, water, warmth, shelter, safety - one of your strongest urges is your maternal instinct - something a man can only know intellectually.

A man with sufficient empathy could feel this need deep in your soul and he should not deny you this for an instant. Your desire will not cease and you will feel unfulfilled if you do not experience motherhood, and the bonding between you and your baby, which will be stronger than any you have ever had.

Indeed, it will be stronger than the one you could ever have with this man, and perhaps, at least on an unconscious level, does not want another being to come between you and him.

He gives you so much on an intellectual and physical plane, but he is unable to give you what you want the most in life, and therefore has failed you on the grandest scale.

If you had a baby you would sacrifice everything for that baby. I am sure you know that. That indicates how vitally essential a baby is to you and has more value to you than life itself.

Whatever you give up by leaving this relationship will be worth it in the long run.

Forgive me for saying this, but I believe that this man will be a fool if he lets you go, and I believe that you will regret staying with him without having a baby.

Having a baby together is the deepest possible commitment that you could make to each other, and if he is not willing to commit to that, then he is not really fully omitting to you, no matter what else he does or says.

You know this in your heart already, and that is why you broke up with him. You did the right thing and now you may have lost a great deal, but you have gained the freedom to be yourself and seek your heart's desire.

I wish you great success and happiness. I know that the instant you feel your child's heart beating inside of you that you will know in your heart that you have done the right thing. I shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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