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Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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Hi Eleanor, I need help figuring out my

Customer Question

Hi Eleanor, I need help figuring out my dance with my boyfriend are you familiar with that? If you are can you work with me on helping me figure out our dance and what new steps to make to help our dance flow better?


 


Decode Relationship Dance
My boyfriend and I have a pattern or Dance if you will that has some not so good steps. I would like to speak to someone that can help me figure out some new steps to make our dance more harmonious.
Here is an example of 2 weekends ago:
I have a hard time sharing my feelings. I feel as if he doesnt listen. I get nervous when I cant share. I get clingy when I see him distancing. He distances I get clingier and dont share with him my fears concerns etc. THen when I go to share Its such a stressful situation that he gets agrivated. He stonewalls. Then it builds until he wants to break up says he isnt attracted to me, its not ment to be... I get upset. I then share what I really mean. THen I go near him and touch him I become "soft". Then He responds in a softer way.Before you know it we are upstairs making love. 2 hours later....Then he shares what he likes. I feel calm am able to share my feelings and then we decide we need to be more open and feel comfortable.
Is there a way to make this less intense? Like no break up in between. This who thing is an example of 1 day. This may happen months apart. I am in therapy he is also doing self improvement. This was a break thought moment as we were able to share our needs finally. One of our issues is lack of intimacy. He wants me to Receive. Enjoy myself not be mechanical. He wants me to be more in my body. Can you help me disifer this?
I have a huge fear or rejection how can I stop this cycle that I am doing to make my life and my relationship more harmonious.

Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Angela--Mod replied 1 year ago.
Hello, I am a moderator for this topic. I sent your requested professional a message to follow up with you here, when they are back online. If I can help further, please let me know, otherwise, no need to reply. Thank you for your patience.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 1 year ago.
Hello, and thank you for requesting me and for your patience. The dance you are referring to is the Dance of the Pursuer/Distancer; your relationship is a classic example. The more clingy you get, the more your bf distances himself. Good that you are in therapy and are able to share more of your needs and feelings. The key to physical intimacy for most women is emotional intimacy. The more your are able to open up to one another, the more sexually open you can be. There is a communication model that will be of great help in sharing your feelings without a lot of drama. It is called the Assertiveness Communication Model. It has 3 Steps. Step 1) Tell the other person you understand how they feel, where they are coming from. Step 2) Tell the other person how you are feeling, where you are coming from. Step 3) Ask for what you want/need. For example Step 1) I understand that you want me to relax and be more open with my body during sex. 2) In order for me to do that, I need more emotional intimacy. 3) I have found this 3 step communication model that I believe will help us; will you practice it with me? The model can be used over and over again during a conversation. Your fear of rejection should not be triggered using this communication tool as each person's feelings are honored. I hope this helps you. Chat back if you have questions. Take care, Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience: Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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