There is no use in me giving you false hope. The facts suggest that this relationship is beyond repair, sadly, but nothing is impossible. The very best you can do is to look at what you have contributed to the situation becoming what it is, identifying where you might have gone wrong (and being very honest with yourself) so that you never repeat the same mistakes again. In the meantime, give her plenty of space, stay away from her, and although it may be hard, limit your time with the kids exactly as to where and when you are permitted to see them. Forget the advice given by your friends to he hard on her. They obviously do not have a clue as to how relationships work. Explain to her by letter what you are doing and tell her that you would like to give this a second try, but are not going to push her. Don’t repeat old patterns of behavior that have not worked for you in the past. Also, I think you are finding it hard to sort out the situation in your own mind, and for that reason, I’m going to suggest that you would benefit from some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is not because I think you have a mental health problem, but because you would benefit from some sound, unbiased advice and support.
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also causes the behaviour and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted,
the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
If you cannot afford to see a therapist, there are good free CBT based self-help resources here:
Also, there is a book called ”Feeling good - the new mood therapy” by Dr. David Burns. It has a hand book which gives you practical exercises to work through and further instructions on how to better use CBT. I really do recommend it.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy Workbook for Dummies By Rhena Branch, Rob Willson is also pretty good.
Best wishes, NormanM
I appreciate the idea of therapy. After too many years of therapy I won't be doing so any longer. But I really do appreciate it. I have a degree in psychology. It's unfortunate at the ways in which the discipline has hurt so many and continues to do so. I'll be placing my faith in God and simply following that path. I recommend it for those who can grasp such a thing. It's a better pattern of behavior and doesn't keep one or everyone else around that one focused on problems that were best walked away from years ago...
I'd be happy to give you a rating. However, you did not answer my question. What can I do about the relationship?
The primary need above everything is to establish communication with her in any way you can perhaps even through a third party. That is the prime essential, so that you can begin to (a) find out the reasons behind her actions (b)plan to deal with her doubts and fears and (c )begin to reassure her that you believe you have a possible future together. Without that communication, nothing is going to happen. Consider any means of communication possible - by email, letter, via her solicitor or yours. Perhaps you may be able to use her parents as a conduit. In any case, make sure that they know how you feel and what you intend, because inevitably it will come up as a major topic of conversation when they are in touch with their daughter. Don’t when in contact with her try to assign blame for past events. They are water under the bridge and cannot be blamed, so in a sense, who is to blame is irrelevant. If you believe there is fault in the situation, be prepared to acknowledge yours to her, but don’t, mention what you perceive to be hers. If you feel that YOU have to make changes in yourself, acknowledge that to her and tell her what you are doing to achieve that. That, in addition to what I suggested earlier (excepting the therapy) is your best, XXXXX XXXXX only way forward. I hope it all works out for you.
According to this fraudulent court document I received I can't contact her directly or through 3rd party. So I've told that to people I've discussed with. Seemingly, I can only explain how I feel and what's going on with me to 3rd parties and then they can do whatever they feel like doing with that information.... Strange considering the amount of 3rd party tampering with my life that my wife seemingly did. But who really knows.
I agree that that the past is the past in this case... Forget about it...
What would you suggest I communicate to these third parties about myself given the fact that I can't ask them to communicate with her?