Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about your daughter and your family situation because of her violent abuse.
Could you please tell me for how long has she been like that and how did these behaviors start? Does she have a disability?
She is 16.6 months old. She has always been difficult but her behaviour began to worsen when she was about 10. She doesnt have a disability. Her behaviours escalated at 10 after a fight at home. She claimed abuse from me .... not true.
I see, then it is a chronic serious situation for sure. Has there been any family history of mental illness and hasn't she been diagnosed with any specific mental disorder?
Has she used any illegal drugs, or alcohol?
At lease twice a year we have called or tried to access mental health support (and as recently at last week). Each time we access support I have received a follow up (have them in letters) which states that she is not a good fit for their service and it is believed that it is behavioral not mental health. CAHMs say no diagnosis until adult hood anyhow. She has tried depression/anxiety medication but has not had any success. I have evidence of marajuana use.
She at times self harms - but has ceased form some time. She tends to do this to manipulate us.
This is very sad and frustrating, and for anybody, even more a mental health professional to state that she has behavioral and not mental health problems does not make any sense and shows ignorace and total lack of competence and ethics. If they do not have the therapeutic means to support her, then hey should make necessary support to other clinics but not to just refuse providing any support stating that she has not mental problems, while it is obvious she has mental illness-es.
Then they are saying that children and teenager do not suffer of mental disorders not can be diagnosed and treated with psychotherapy and behavioral interventions? It's truly unacceptabeel and frustrating.
There is also an element of her not being willing to engage with support too. Our family has had prolonged counseling without her presence. She refuses to participate as it will require her to accept some responsibility for her actions.
I believe your daughter could present multiple and serious mental health disorders, no way to know for sure but through an effective and complete psychological assessment, but for sure she has mental disorders, personality disorders and what we known as dual -diagnosis, since she has been using at least cannabis, which causes mental disorders or worsens those already present.
Regardless of how excellent mental health services you may find, I have to tell you, agreeing with what you have just said, that those ideal services would be useless if she does not start by acknowledging all her disorders and destructive life, and taking full responsibility for her actions and rehabilitation process.
Since you have done this much without positive outcome, it is obvious to me that the biggest core issue here is the fact that you have not set good and solid boundaries and limits, allowing an doubt of caring and affection, enabled her abuse and destructive ways. I do not think she needs to "accept some responsibility for her actions". but to take "full" responsibility for her feelings, choices, actions and reactions, facing all the consequences from them.
I am concerned that after a 30 year old marriage my husband is at breaking point and is going to leave. He never imagined a life like this. He wants to be free from turmoil, despair, constant financial burden
Sorry accidentally pressed return.
As long as a person in her shoes happens to have anybody materially, financially emotionally or psychologically supporting not her but her destructive and abusive, violent ways, directly or indirectly, she woudl not have any hope for any significant improvement nor rehabilitation.
You are right ..... we always put up with it.... as we cant seem to allow her to suffer.
Do you think that when she is violent and abusive towards me I should call the police and have her out of the house for a week or so until she gets the message?
Your daughter is old enough to be held fully accountable for all of her actions,a nd if she even refuses to stop the violence and receive necessary support, then I do not see another healthy and acceptable option but for her to leave, since this domestic violence, and abuse at so multiple levels, exposing yourselves and other children to it should no continue, you should not perpetuate this victimization. If she chooses not to get support and change, you cannot continue to be her victims and suffer from it.
Absolutely, yo have to, there is no other assertive and responsible way to address it.
It feels like in doing so I am abandoning her though!
But if that does not work, then you cannot continue to expose yourself for this chronic violence and abuse, there is nothing healthy justifying it. Please do learn and work on rehabilitating from codependency, since it seems obvious to me that you have this condition deeply undermining and fueling this nightmare. You cannot control her, but you need to fully control and take good care of your own lives.
You would be abandoning her if she happened to be a 5 year old child, but she is old enough and very aware of everything, and I am afraid that out of love and caring, but through very unhealthy and codependent ways, you have been enabling this violence, abuse and dysfunction for too long.
I had sorta come to this conclusion ......
Thanks for your time