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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Ive been seeing this man very casually for a year now. He

Resolved Question:

I've been seeing this man very casually for a year now.
He works as a PT at my gym and I just had this instant feeling about him, but I was too shy to even try and say Hi, it took me two months to do something about it. We started to hang out and it was very different, we could talk about every thing and revel really personal stuff that you usually never share with people, it was a great understanding and connection.
We are both shy and insecure, and I've been single for 6 years so I am scared and don't know how to act. After about a month I got the feeling that the interest wasn't mutual, so I asked him about it.
he told me how he wasn't emotional available because he got so hurt and had to go through with therapy after the last relationship, she was cheating and lying for about a year. (he is 42, I am 35). And that he was also worried that we were not sexual compatible, (now he sounds like a freak, but it was more about him being in control in bed)

He said he would like to continue hanging out with me though since he felt a great connection and I am one of those people he can be himself with without feeling like an "idiot" he is introverted. We continued and we also started to be intimate, sex, and it was working out just fine.

I told him after 6 months that I really like him, (didn't reveal that I really wanted to give us a try, I am super shy). He said he likes me back but, "you know where I stand and I am also an introvert i'm difficult, and ok you like me but I don't know what you want?"
I took it as a rejection and felt hurt and didn't explain further what I wanted, what was the point, he didn't want to be in a relationship..

We continued as before, always having a great time together, we can talk about everything and are really getting to know each other.
If we go for lunch or dinner he always treats me like we are on a real date, he orders for me, never lets me pay etc.
Since he is introverted he really choses his friends and who to hang out with, and now finally after a year, he accepted to come for a big dinner party that I'm throwing.

Its been such a long time that I don't know how to bring up the subject anymore, that I want to give us a try... His signals/body language tells me that he really likes me, but I know that he is super scared, he has been single for 3 years now.

I work extra hours next to his work, and every time he sees that I'm in there working he always comes in to chat, that's like twice a week.
I am so shy and insecure, he has low self esteem too, (we've been talking about that )
No one has been seeing anyone else during this whole year.
It sounds like we are two nerds, we are actually both very fit and very good looking, great social skills.

Is there any good way I can ask, what can I say? And it is hard for me to speak at all, I lose all my words and become awkward. Or is there even a point in bringing this up, maybe I should just leave it.

Would really appreciate some advice :)
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this issue.

The two of you seem so perfect for one another but neither of you has the courage to go further.

If you don't do something about it soon you will both let this moment go by. Each one of you is really enamored of the other but you keep missing opportunities.

Let me recopy the KEY sentence in your letter:

"I told him after 6 months that I really like him, (didn't reveal that I really wanted to give us a try, I am super shy). He said he likes me back but, "you know where I stand and I am also an introvert i'm difficult, and ok you like me but I don't know what you want?"
I took it as a rejection and felt hurt and didn't explain further what I wanted, what was the point, he didn't want to be in a relationship.."


What do I see here?

-you started to tell him by saying how much you liked him.

-you did NOT reveal, however, that you wanted to give it a try with him

-he told you he also really liked you but that he an introvert (meaning he couldn't make the move)

-He said that he didn't know what you want. He DID know but he wanted YOU to say it.

-Instead, you took it as a rejection and ran away.


You need to try it again.

I recommend this book for the both of you.

Product Details

Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness: A Self-Help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques by GillXXXXX XXXXX




Tell him that you want to try with him and promise him that you will not do him wrong like happened before and ask him to promise the same.

I believe that once you find your courage you will succeed with bells on, maybe wedding bells.

Seize the moment and don't let this slip away. It seems so right from my point of view.

I wish you courage and perseverance and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 1 year ago.


Yes the moment will pass us by.. and I will think, "what if"


But I'm just thinking that he is content with his situation...he doesn't have to worry about getting hurt, we hang out maybe once a week and there are no obligations.


An introvert don't have the same needs of relationships as others...


 


I just cant handle hearing him saying again that, yes he likes me but he still stands where he did a year ago.


 


And yes, at the same time I'm thinking, a year is a long, even though its not that often.


Maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on him because I really really care for him and want to develop our relationship...or can I be that wrong?


That time 6 months ago, that you refer to, he was pretty clear that he didn't want to have a relationship, even though he said he liked me.


 


Can you go from emotional unavailable to available?


 


 

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear XXXXXika,

An old friend of mine once said, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained"

Sometimes Providence drops something wonderful into our lap or delivers it into our hands.

Those moments are rare, indeed.

Fortunes, conquests, jobs, degrees, awards, mates, friends, lovers, spouses, are usually won by our taking action.

I hear you rationalizing already, and I am sorry to hear it. Maybe if I point it out you will stop and take action and be pro-active.

Introverts need relationships MORE than extroverts.

Even people who have avoidant personality disorder WILL become involved with someone if they are certain of being liked.

If you can show him this, and he can show you the same, then you can make it work and be very happy together, and cure each others feelings of inadequacy.

A person can go from emotionally unavailable to available in as long as it takes to change your feelings.

You have nothing to lose. Be courageous and give it a try.

My prayers are with you.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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