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Wendy MFT
Wendy MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16
Experience:  15 years experience counseling couples, families, and individuals.
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i met this girl that was working at my work but lives in another

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i met this girl that was working at my work but lives in another state she was staying for a few weeks ive started talking to her a lot, i even met up with her, i had planned a date she asked me to cancel it as she was very exhausted so i did and we just hung out and she got me a large gift bag of things to say she was sorry, which i wasnt expecting, and i told her i really like her and she said it wouldnt work between us cause she lives so far away and she travels a lot for work, i asked her if she would be willing to make it work if we could have something and she said she would, i have had issues in the past with getting attached too quickly, but for the right girl i would risk everything to be with her, and she goes back to her home state next week, and im just a bit lost of what i can and should do.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Wendy MFT replied 11 months ago.

Wendy MFT : Hi there! That sounds like a really tough situation! It sounds like you're really smitten with this girl.
Wendy MFT : So, do you have the ability to just pick up and leave where you live right now? You have no obligations or commitments keeping you there?
Customer:

i would but i just need to know if she is serious about me

Customer:

if only i had another few weeks with her

Wendy MFT : So, how far away are we talking about? (In Miles, or kilometers). Also, do you mind if I ask how old you are?
Customer:

im 24 and shes 27, i live in adelaide south australia and she lives in sydney australia

Wendy MFT : Okay. So, the reason I ask is because, since you are young, you have the flexibility to be able to take risks like this. If you are able to, and you would like a change of pace or scenery anyways, then why not go for it?
Wendy MFT : However, I think it would be important for you going into it that you don't go solely for her. This may put an enormous amount of pressure on her, and on the relationship in general. Let's say that someday things get rough in the relationship, as they always do. (It's inevitable). You wouldn't want for her to feel like she needed to stay with you solely because you made such a large move to be with her and she felt obligated. Does that make sense? This is just something you will really need to think about, and the two of you will need to discuss extensively.
Customer:

it would be a massive change and what if it doesnt pay off

Customer:

ok, but is it normal to feel this way just after like 1-2 weeks of getting to know her cause shes different to any other girl (which is a good thing) ive been in a relationship with, and i just feel that it could work if we both make the effort

Wendy MFT : Okay. So as for whether its normal to feel that way, lets just say that it's common. And happens all the time.
Wendy MFT : Give me a few minutes. I need to step away but will be back and give you a more thorough response.
Customer:

ok thank you

Wendy MFT :

Ok. I'm back.

Wendy MFT :

So, you're right about the fact that it would be a massive change. And it kind of sounds like you're hoping for some guarantee that it WILL pay off. I guess that's why I'm suggesting that if you do this, there should also be OTHER reasons to make the leap, so that there will be a silver lining, or something to be gained, either way.

Wendy MFT :

I am trying to locate a resource I want to send you as well, regarding the intense feelings you have after such a short time.

Customer:

well i know my mum is moving to sydney next yr so ive been thinking about moving with her and cause i work for a company thats based in sydney it should be easy for me to get a transfer, i am ready for a change

Wendy MFT :

Those are a few web articles that describe a little bit about what is happening when we "fall in love." It may seem to take some of the "romance" out of love when you boil it down to a science, but I'm only offering this to you so that you understand that there are ACTUAL physiological things occurring in your body/brain that are making you feel the way you do.

Wendy MFT :

So, there are a few other reasons, it sounds like, that you may be considering a move like this anyways. That is great!

Wendy MFT :

AND - you say you're ready for a change.

Wendy MFT :

With all of that said, it sounds like moving and being closer to this girl would be a win-win -- all around.

Wendy MFT :

Even if things don't work out with you and her in the end, do you feel you will have lost anything by making the move? Do you think you'd have any regrets?

Customer:

i dont think i would cause i know everything happens for a reason even though sometimes its very hard to see the reason why. how do i tell her id risk everything to be with her cause i dont wanna freak her out

Wendy MFT :

That's great that you have that perspective - that everything happens for a reason. As for how do you tell her, perhaps it's not wise to tell her that you're willing to risk everything to be with her, even though it's how you feel. You're right, that it may freak her out, even though your heart is in the right place. This is a tough dilemma. On the one hand, you don't want to freak her out, but on the other, you don't want to be disingenuous about your reasons for moving.

Wendy MFT :

So....

Wendy MFT :

What if - instead of telling her you'd risk everything to be with her (because then she'd feel she's the ONLY reason you're moving), you tell her that you've been thinking of making a change anyways, and your mum is moving there next year, and you could get a transfer with your company, AND it would give the two of you a chance to get to know each other better as well. That way, you can continue to take it SLOW with her (even though your feelings are telling you to go FAST!). :-)

Customer:

ok thanks for your advice, ill think it through, ive got to head to work now thanks again

Wendy MFT :

Good luck!

Customer:

thanks

Wendy MFT :

I do hope this works out for you, and that I've been helpful. If I have been, please provide a positive rating so i can be credited for my answer. Thanks!

Wendy MFT, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 16
Experience: 15 years experience counseling couples, families, and individuals.
Wendy MFT and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Wendy MFT replied 11 months ago.
Hi Matt:

I am just wondering how you're doing and if you have come any closer to making a decision about possible moving.

Please let me know if I can help you any further as you struggle with this dilemma. I'm here!

~Wendy

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