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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3191
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Im in a relationship with a widower (less than a year since

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I'm in a relationship with a widower (less than a year since his wife passed after a 7 year battle with cancer), he has 3 children, the 15 yr old daughter's behaviors resulted in a drastic move and the family (3 children total) now live with his parents. He works out of the country, so is away for 2 weeks/month...and when here he is usually stressed with all that's going on in their lives (hopefully having family around will help now). The children don't know about our relationship and some days I really wonder if he's ready to be in one (though ours is not demanding of time, like all relationships, this does require some effort)... How does one know when it's better to just walk away. My heart says to stay.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer:

Hello,

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see why you feel this concerned about this situation. There are multiple challenges involved and even when there are not that many demands in your relationship as you said, his personal and family life seems already overwhelming with different issues-stressors.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

His personal life is definitely 'full', with the recent move his daughters are still quite upset, so it's one more aspect to deal with

Customer:

The girls are 13 and 15, and the 13 yr old has stated clearly to his that she doesn't wish for him to date anyone...and thus I think there's also some guilt on his part.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What concerns me the most is that even when you say that your relationship does not demand much from you, there is already a loot happening in his life, and the fact that it's been less than a year since they have been grieving the loss of their mother, and having problems with the 15 year old daughter, I imagine that once they know about your relationship, it would add new challenges to your lives too; and you wonder if you should stay or leave, which shows how worried and insecure you feel about it.

Customer:

I suppose I am ready for more time together, which is not likely to happen for quite some time, and I wonder if it is unrealistic to think it ever will in the next several months (where's that crystal ball we all want~ or think we do). Or perhaps I just stop worrying about what's around the corner and live for what is right now. Sounds easy enough, but...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The situation gets more complicated by the fact that he is actually not there for long periods of time, then these issues appear to become more chronic and unresolved, the children do not have their mother any longer and he is absent a lot of the time, now the common scenario would be for them not to react well to a commitment this early after their mother's death.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No way to know what would happen in the future, but it is wise and necessary to be realistic and assess the concrete situation the way it is now, since from there we could get a reliable image of how things would evolve with time.

Customer:

I'm not in a rush for them to know about us...waiting many months is rather preferable to me in fact. I knew their mother well, ironically I had only met their dad once prior to their mothers passing.

Customer:

How does one objectively 'assess the concrete situation"?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Depending on what you have already seen in his behaviors, from the way he sets you as a priority or not in his life, how much time and quality time you spend together,and his concrete efforts to make your relationship work, such pattern would continue to shape the possibilities and quality of your relationship in the future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Taking pen and paper and listing the concrete issues and limitations affecting your personal life, other about his personal life, the ones already present in your relatiosnhip, and what you are doing in order to work on creating solutions and making your relationship work taking into account core areas in your lives, from time you spend together, his children, and more.

Customer:

well if looking at it in those terms, I think I would be foolish to consider walking away. He has been very thoughtful, considerate, caring, makes/takes time when ever he actually has time to 'himself'. He know lives 40" away, so that will add another layer, but that doesn't concern me.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there you ave it, it is the way you value what you have, and what you are willing to afford in the future, as long as the pros are more and better than the cons, you would commit to work on it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(there you have it...)

Customer:

thanks...something to think about

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Worthy to work on it. Thank you for your trust.

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