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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now. We had 4

Resolved Question:

I have been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now. We had 4 dates and the last date we slept together. I felt as if we really connected and we both enjoyed it tremendously. I am disappointed that when I asked him how he felt about me and us, he said that "he was not quite sure yet" and he is not the one planning the dates. I seem to be the one always asking when he's free. So I am very confused and I don't know if I should keep on seeing him or not. I should add that he's 32 and I am 44. We both suffer from anxiety, he is an ex Marine. Is he just playing me or am I asking too much too soon? I am at a complete loss because I really do like him and he insists that this is not a casual thing for him. He told me he felt nervous around me sometimes.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation.

Customer:

Hello

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, thank you for joining the chat

Customer:

Thank you for your help.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Everything seemed to be going well during these few weeks that you have been dating, but...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's obvious you feel truly disappointed after your first time sleeping together, once for you it was this tremendously fulfilling, while he was not even sure about how it was for him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Most people in your shoes would feel very frustrated and even hurt with such a response. It is good that he was honest, that is something many people dismiss when dating, but at the same time what he shared about this experience was not something showing he had a good connection and whole experience as you did.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The other fact, concerning one for sure, is that you are the one taking all the initiatives int his young relationship. If he is truly taking it seriously, his passivity does show the opposite, and that's not only a simple red flag but a serious issue, specially this soon into your dating experience, when couples use to present their best side to promote their chances and enjoy the experience with a new person.

Customer:

I agree with all this but why does he want to keep seeing me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have started to date, then expecting him to take initiatives -as you do- in order to work on building this relationship, to see how well you could complement and fulfill each other, is not somethign unrealistic or pushy, but it is a basic expectation and need, a requirement for adult and healthy dating situations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's something we do not know, but what you know is that he wants to keep you playing this role, while he remains this passive, which seems to work well for him, but not for you at all. This is why this talk that you have agreed to have int he following days should be one to share in open, honest and direct ways what you think, feel, expect and what concerns you in this initial stage of your relationship, to find out if both feel it is working for you and if both want to keep sharing this way, and what changes or adjustments it would take for it to work. If both happen to agree with each other around meeting your core needs and expectations, and finding compatibility at hose levels, then happy and willing to work on it, then perfect. Otherwise it would be better for you to reassess if this is what you want or not.

Customer:

I agree with you. We don't have a date set up for that. Should I contact him or wait for him to contact me?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, since you suggested it and he agreed, it would be the chance for you to talk about it. After that talk,you would have to commit to do as you said and agreed, which should include not working on this relationship alone, it should be reciprocal.If he agrees with that, you would try and find out how well it works. If he isn' t willing to play a more mature, respectful-reciprocal role, then you would need to decide if it is worthy to sty.

Customer:

Thank you very much for your help. I truly appreciate it. It helps that your advice is coming from a guy!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome, thank you for trusting me.

Customer:

You've helped a lot.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very glad to know that. Thank you. Please keep in touch since I'd love to follow up.

Customer:

I will, and I so much hope he and I can work it out.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let's work on it and see what happens. You'll learn a lot addressing it wisely.

Customer:

Thank you and goodbye.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good bye!

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Well, the guy in question and myself never got to meet since our last texts (last sunday) because he said that he did not want to jump into a relationship and wanted to take it slow. When I asked what he meant by that, he never really explained. So I got impatient, which I should not have, but I did. Sunday morning I asked him if he wanted us to be friends only and when I got no reply after an hour, I flipped out, which I really regret too and texted: " I am not willing to wait for you to figure out how much you like me to see if you want to commit or not. I deserve better than that."


I have been missing him a lot ever since. We have been talking again about meeting up but It's usually me who initiates the contact. I am starting to think I should forget about him, no matter how much I like him.


I really hurts. What do you think?

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist
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3189 Satisfied Customers
MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach