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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5741
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have been married for 17 years. My husband early this year

Customer Question

I have been married for 17 years. My husband early this year experienced a serious health issue. I have been by his side. I started to notice changes I really didn't pay attention but he used to always leave his cell phone out and all of a sudden it was never anywhere in sight. When we were out and I didn't have my phone, I would ask if I could look at the weather forecast. Recently he was in the hospital and he was texting with someone. He started to get dizzy so me and the nurse were by his bedside. His phone was about to drop and I grabbed it to keep it from hitting the floor. He violently jerked the phone away from me. I tried not to think of this and instead worry about his health. After he recovered it really started to bother me. I looked at our phone records and saw for months he has been speaking to one of our female friends who is married to one of ouf close friends. He states the reason they talked to much was because she told him her husband had been beating her and another man had recently made a pass to her. My husband says he was trying to help her. There were very long phone conversations between them for 4 months. During several of the phone conversations I had called and he did not accept my call. I don't know what to do, I love him soo much but I feel like I am being lied to. We have 3 wonderful children and I don't want our family to change.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your husband might be having an emotional affair. If he is hiding his phone from you, not being open about who he is talking to and becoming upset if you are near his phone, he is not being honest. He is your husband and his phone (and other property) should be available to you as yours is with him. But because he is putting so much energy into hiding what he is doing, it is a sign that he is not being faithful.

If he is helping this friend, there are many ways to do that other than hiding his conversations with her. He could have referred her to a therapist or included you in the situation since she is your friend as well. Having long conversations with her and hiding it from you only says that there is more going on that just him being a good friend to her.

At this point, your husband seems in denial about this affair. Because of his denial, you may want to consider confronting him with what you have found out about his conversations. He may get upset, but as his wife, you deserve to know. In any marriage, being open and honest is vital. But that is not what is happening in your marriage. So putting the situation on the table will help both of you confront it and deal with it.

Tell your husband that you want to see a therapist together. Tell him that it is vital that the two of you work this out to save your marriage and for the children. If he refuses to go, go on your own. You need the support and the chance to decide how you want to deal with this situation.

Also, if you attend church, talk with your pastor. Pastors are often very good counselors.

The main issue is to have him admit to the affair, work on what issues caused him to cheat and to rebuild trust in your marriage. It can take a while and a lot of work, but you can do it as long as he is willing.

Here are some books that may help you:

Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After
Infidelity by Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli.

You can find these both on Amazon.com or your local library may have them.


I hope this has helped you,

Kate

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 2 years ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate








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