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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Discovered boyfriend and I can have AMAZING long love making

Customer Question

Discovered boyfriend and I can have AMAZING long love making sessions. However the before and after our sessions it seems we have a hard time connecting and disconnecting afterwards. Not sure if Im describing this correctly. Its like we want to make love but we have a hard time expressing it, and doing things that lead up to making love. Then after we make love we lay together and embrace however afterwards It seems I may get a little emotionally affraid or I disconnect a little and so does he. Any books or tips that can help us have a smother DANCE?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 10 months ago.

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : It sounds like you both are unsure whether each other wants to be intimate at certain times.
Dear XXXXX : You both have this deep connection but each are you are not comfortable in expressing yourself I feel is the fear of rejection.
Dear XXXXX : You both array thinking if each other and needs and I feel you both have a good solid relationship.
Dear XXXXX : But you both need to communicate more.
Dear XXXXX : Both of you are afraid of losing each other. You both when intimate are caught up in the moment. But once the intimacy is over I feel you both wish you could continue to be close and each person does not know what to do.
Dear XXXXX : What is happening is you have this build up of being intimate and when you both are together you both are anxious to have that special time together. Its the anticipation of waiting to be near each other. Then once you both are not intimate you still want to be near each other but do not know how to continue that connection.
Dear XXXXX : I would do things like holding hands to keep that intimate connection afterwards. You also can talk about your intimate moments.
Dear XXXXX : there a little signals that you can do to let him know when you are ready to be intimate. You can grab his hand, rub his back, kiss his cheek. Once he knows your signs he will know when the time is right.
Dear XXXXX : It sounds like he wants to make sure you are comfortable. I feel he does not want to pressure you.
Dear XXXXX : SSo it would help if he had little signs to know when it is time to be intimate.
Dear XXXXX : You want to suggest things after intimacy as well.
Dear XXXXX : You can suggest going for a walk, getting something to eat, watch a movie.
Customer:

this sounds good. Yeah we have been together for 5 years and it has been rocky....we finally are ln a place were we are learning to be open and communicate. you are right communication is important. I have fear of rejection. real bad.

Dear XXXXX : You need to look at you have been together five years and it is very normal to have rocky times in a relationship. I want you to focus on each other and try not to think about rejection. I want you to do what comes natural.
Dear XXXXX : If you want to reach over and grab his hand do think about it just do it.
Dear XXXXX : Let your emotions be your guide and slowly you will feel more comfortable and not even think about rejection.
Customer:

makes sense, for me its hard to tell the difference between what im doing that I want to do and respecting his time and space

Customer:

its like for example- hes working at the computer. I want to grab him sit on his lap and kiss him. If I try he gets annoyed becuase he is working so I feel rejected.

Customer:

Would you say being open about our boundries? Like if he says he doesnt want to be disturbed while working then I need to respect that but afterwards do what I want? It sounds so socially awkward but I feel like that because I am so fearful .......

Customer:

an example- last weekend we went through a cycle were we were trying to discuss stuff, then it turned to a break up then make up. I was massaging him I put a blind fold on him. He said to me What does your body want, pretend im not me, im just a body you do what you want. Its safe. It was 2 hours long of pure extasy. It was amazing. I cant describe what is going on. I guess maybe its the doing what I want to do

Dear XXXXX : You both do not have any problems with intamacy so that means you have a strong connection. You want to be close to each other. You both after five years are very much in love and attracted to each other. When you do sit on his lap and kiss him and he gets annoyed you want to say too him something like I just can't help myself I love you. I know your busy but I just live being near you. You also could ask him if it is ok for you to sit with him while he works. He might have trouble concentrating with you being in the room while he works because he is so attracted too you. He also wants to get his work done so he can be with you.
Dear XXXXX : I feel he gets very distracted by you and that is why he has trouble working.
Dear XXXXX : it sounds like he would be annoyed because he just doesn't want to do his work he wants to be intimate with you.
Dear XXXXX : Him working makes him frustrated because he wants to give you his full attention.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 10 months ago.
I noticed you gave me an ok service rating and I still wanted to further assist you. I did not answer all your questions. I wanted you to take a look at this site this is about how to help fear of rejection. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201109/quieting-fears-personal-rejection
You asked me also to recommend some books for you. This book is called "Vaporize Your Fear of Rejection" by Tom Stone. Also the book called "The Dance of Fear" by Harriet Lerner
This site is 9 way to better communicate http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/04/14/9-steps-to-better-communication-today/. Here is also another book about communication. "The Dance of Connection" by Harriet Lerner. If you need anymore help I am here to answer all your questions. Thank you again for your question.You asked me about boundaries and him not wanting to be disturbed while he is working. I think once he is finished then you will be able to do what you want to do. You want to explain too him how you feel so he also understands your feelings. Then once you express yourself he will also share how he feels. In relationship each person has a certain type of personality. Often times how people are raised influences who they are as an adult. Not everyone is raised the same so people often need to learn why the other person reacts. If you only know and was taught one way then you would not know any different. So when a relationship starts people have to adjust to how the other person thinks. This is why communication is important in knowing how the person lives their life. When you first enter a relationship you so not know the persons likes and dislikes. You do not know if they are a person that needs a lot of space of if they are someone that don't like being alone. You begin to learn as the relationship progresses. But in relationships it is a continuing learning process. People can change and certain things that happen in life can change how people feel. This is why relationships are constantly about learning about each other.
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1813
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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