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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have been with my partner for 3 years. We were long time

Customer Question

I have been with my partner for 3 years. We were long time friends first, now we are engaged and living together. Our engagement has been an emotional roller coaster of turmoil and tragedy, with some really happy moments mixed in. We have been through so much that has either brought us closer together or torn us far apart. The trust and passion we had for each other has eroded for various reasons. Our self esteems are non existent. Our personalities clash more and more as the days go on. I feel trapped and he feels undesired. I feel that I cannot desire him if he keeps me from pursuing my goals. For example, if I want to work extra hours, take a class, or volunteer my time to a charity, he gives me so much grief! I understand I am not the submissive, homemaker type he was hoping that I would be, but am I wrong for feeling trapped and resentful? There is also a 20 year gap in our age, which may explain why we feel so different about a lot of issues. I am coming to terms with the fact that we just may not be compatible.

We have also found out that being married will bring a lot of burdens on us legally and financially. He is content with us having a common law arrangement, but I'm not sure if that is what I want out of a long term relationship. We rarely talk about getting married anymore. It is a sensitive topic that got pushed to the back burner long ago and seems to have fallen off completely. In that respect, I am thankful we didn't rush into marriage, like we had originally anticipated.

I am hesitant to leave him for fear of making the wrong decision and later having a change of heart, because I care so much for him. Also, at this time, it would be difficult for both of us to get past the financial obligations we have together and start a new life on our own. We are also caring for his son, who is grown, but has a severe mental illness that is putting a huge strain on our relationship as well. We are very unhappy most of the time, which may be due to our circumstances.

In your opinion, is there any hope in turning things around? Am I being too selfish by not bending to my partner's will? Is this all just madness? Please help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you with this complex issue.

You will never be happy in this relationship. He wants you to stifle your life when you want to live it. He has had 20 years more than you, thus far, to live his life and not have anyone tell me how he could live.

Your desires and goals are positive and noble: help in a charitable cause; increase your income by working longer hours; bettering yourself through education. He has no right to try to hold you down, especially when you do so much.

He wants you as his servant, content to be bent to his will.

If you leave him and start over, you will not have a change in heart. You will lift a terrible burden off of your back and will find someone more compatible in age and in interests.

You are such a thoughtful person, thinkng that you may be too selfish by not bending to your partner's will (giving up your hopes to be his property).

You will never turn this around. It is total madness if you stay with him.

Forget about the economic ties. Don't let that be part of your decision process - not for a second.

Let the creditors figure it out. Worry about SAVING your life. It you stay you will be entering a prison sentence.

The gate is still open.

Pick up your posessions and walk away and don't look behind.

There are no compromises there. You must do this for yourself. This is a crucial time in your life and there are two paths. Take the path to independence because the other one will destroy you.

I shall keep you in my prayers that God grant you strength, courage, and wisdom. Amen.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I sincerely thank you. I needed someone to tell me this. Now I have hope that I can change my life for the better.

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
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35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.