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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I am getting married in 5 weeks to a man I have been with for

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I am getting married in 5 weeks to a man I have been with for over 4 years. We were "that couple"- the one that everyone knew would marry. We have had some stress in our relationship, particularly early on, but we weathered it all and each time chose to keep loving each other. I always felt that I could trust his commitment and loyalty, and whatever else you might say about my fiance, everyone knew that he really loved me and that we were so good for each other.
Except that now I have email proof that very recently he has started contacting women and couples from Craigslist to try to meet them for blowjobs, sex, and other "activities". I know that most of them have not responded to him, but that at least two have progressed to the point of exchanging numbers. I have no idea if he has actually met them after that, because the emails stop at that point in the conversation (and presumably they pick up via text or calls). He was in Vegas a few weeks ago for a friend's bachelor party and I know he had it all set up with another guy to fool around and sleep with a woman while her husband watched. It fell through (thank god!) but he still saw her in person.
In my anger, I automatically assumed that he must have fallen out of love and was too much of a coward to back out of the engagement. However, nothing had changed in his treatment of me. I have been watching his behavior and words extremely carefully in the last week and he genuinely still seems to love me. He doesn't act like a man faking it, or a man who acts loving to cover his tracks. If not for the emails, I could swear I was crazy and making it all up. I suppose that he really could want to be with me, and sees this as purely a sexual outlet, or maybe he is stressed about the upcoming wedding and isn't handling it properly (he isn't always good at recognizing and processing his emotions). This has been tearing me apart, and is obviously undermining my desire to marry him. I am TERRIFIED of telling him that I know, mainly because I don't know what to expect the outcome to be. What if this is his way of trying to get the relationship to blow up? If I knew he would never do this again and that he would work through whatever issues were leading him to this, I would still chose to be with him. The problem is that when he is first confronted with things that he doesn't want to deal with, he tends to completely retreat. I want this dealt with! I don't want 3 months of counseling to hash it out! And I kind of have a deadline coming! I just can't live my married life wondering whether or not he was being faithful, and having to spy on him.
The hardest thing for me is that knowing him as well as I do (and I am hardly a rose-tinted glasses kind of girl), I am still baffled by this. Something that may be a factor is that we decided a few months ago to stop having sex, mainly because I had been date-raped twice right before we met, and I wanted to deal with all that baggage and lay it to rest, so to speak, before we got married. Part of that, for me, was that meant I couldn't keep sleeping with him. We are still engaged in other sexual activities, he has been extremely supportive of our commitment to this, and I always had a higher sex drive, so I still don't think that is the reason.
I don't know what to do, I don't have a lot of time, and I don't know any unbiased parties who would be able to help us. What do I do, and what do I say to him?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 11 months ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help with your situation.

This has surely been very devestating news for you and must weigh very heavily on you.

Your fiance has more dimesnions than he ever told you about. Perhaps some of his preferences are new, and perhaps tied to the fact that you have stopped having sex with him, but perhaps because he has a strong drive and lots of sexual fantasies and needs something like this in his life.

He may have been this way after you were married, and if you hadn't discovered this other side then it might have continued into your marriage.

Of course it is udermining your desire to marry him, because he has betrayed you emotionally if not physically, and he is willing to take a risk of bring sexually transmitted diseases into your life.

You cannot continue to ignore this. It seems that you will have to contront this and probably should be prepared, before you say anything, to line up a good family therapist, or preferably, a sex therapist who is a licensed mental health professional with additional training and certification.

I know you don't want to deal with a therapist but the two of you must face one.

You should postpone your wedding until you sort this out.

Best place to find the most highly qualified sex therapists are at AASECT.

AASECT - Member Directory

You are not prepared to be married now and must sort this out first.

Set up an appointment. Confront your fiance and be prepared to go together, or if you can arrange it, confront him at the therapists.

You cannot marrry successfully until you work this out.

I wish you courage and shall keep you in my prayers.

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7662
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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