How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question

Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
15718554
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Paige is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have a question. My wife and I have been together for 5 years

Resolved Question:

I have a question. My wife and I have been together for 5 years married for 3/5. Last month I happened to find a bunch of highly inappropriate text messages between her and another man as well as group messages with women in her office and that other man. I questioned her about it and she told me all of those messages came from a joke between all of the parties involved. I also confronted the other man involved in those messages and he also stated that it came from a nome between all 4 of the parties. I have then asked the male involved to no longer text my wife unless it has something to do with work and is in a professional manner. He had apologized for what had taken place and stated that he never had any other intentions other than doing this in a joking manner. I also confronted my wife about my feelings and stated that I was worried about this and stated that I had nothing to worry about and also stated that she would no engage in those conversations with the male as well as the other women anymore. Since then I have asked my wife about random numbers that she has had in her phone or text messages....no inappropriate content was in any of those messages. She has opened up her social media account, email accounts as well as her cell phone. The first last 2 years of our marriage I have not been the best of husband during that time. She stated that she had no intentions of cheating on me at all and stated that she loved me to much to do so. We also have a 2 year old child together. Obviously I'm still heartbroken over the text messages I seen...there were not pics being sent back and forth. The issue that I am having is that even though I trust and believe my wife I still find myself going through her email, social media and our phone usage to see who she is sending and receiving txt messages/phone calls from and I have asked about a unfamiliar number she always tells me who it is and will show me the text message if applicable. But I feel like i have my guard up and that she still has to rebuild the trust that was lost. I feel that I'm just watching her way to much. Is this normal? Our relationship/marriage has taken a complete 180 for the better. I told her that I can forgive her but it will take time to forget. Is there Anything i can do to speed that up?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You and your wife both have handled this situation in the best way possible. It is normal for you to be on your guard but I think maybe you are going a bit too far with continuing to look at all of her things. I do agree that she does need to rebuild the trust and by allowing you to see everything, she is doing exactly that. The problem you will face is that she will feel TOO intruded upon and while you can most likely trust her and she probably would never consider cheating on you, by over reacting and continuing to act this way, you might drive her further away eventually, when she feels that enough is enough. It has only been a month. You need to give this some time. I know you said you want to speed this up, but you honestly can't. You just need to let it play out emotionally. A month is not that long and your goal should be to start backing off of the privacy things. You might want to set a goal of not checking emails after a certain time, and then maybe her social networking and finally stop checking her texts. Or you might want to set a goal where you only ask her about it once a month, then once every 3 months, etc.. whatever you think works for you. Give both of you some time with this. I know you don't want to wait through it, but unfortunately, you are going to have to. Be patient. Be patient with her and yourself. Be happy you have a loving, caring wife and child and try to rebuild a day at a time.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ok, you have made me feel much better about all of this. I understand that I need to back off and that's why I reached out. Along those lines, both us work in medicine. My full time job is 80 miles away from our home. I usually work anywhere from 5-6 days straight without seeing my family. I think that makes it much harder especially when I am trying to rebuild our bond together. Then my mind gets all of these crazy ideas in it, and I know it shouldn't but I swear I think about the issues that we have had at least once/day. And yes, my wife has done a great job with helping me recover from this. In my previous message when I stated that I wasn't the best husband for the last 2 years I should have specified on what I had meant. Basically I have not been there for her emotionally or physically. I think I had pushed her away a bit. I didn't want to be touched, I would get snappy with her when she would talk to me or basically ignore her..I now know that I shouldn't have done any of those things. I've asked her about this and she states that she felt that I was distant during that time and she was trying to adjust to how I had become. Now I am the one who wants to spend every minute together and show my emotions and be touched. She now on the other hand is still in the adjustment mode and states that it is now going to take time for her to get back to the way she was before I basically had blocked her out. I just wished I would have realized what I had before it got to this point.

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
You are both dealing with very common marriage issues. The fact that you can discuss these things and both admit where your strengths and weaknesses are as individuals and as a couple is vital and I'm glad to hear that. I know that to be in your shoes and seeing it from your point of view, these things can seem devastating, but in my experience, you are way ahead of the game. Overall, I would say you have a very strong marriage and you both need to build on this foundation by not looking at the past, but only the future. I know that is easier said than done, but it's something you both need to work on. You have some insecurities with yourself, probably based on the first few years of your marriage. You need to learn to let that go. Let the past go. You admit you weren't the best husband in the past, but you can be in the future, starting now. While it isn't realistic to "start over" in a relationship, because of course there are always memories and experiences, you can both do your best to act on the concept of from now on, lets do our best to be the best for each other. Try not to let the past dictate your present or future. Keep showing your emotions and keep wanting to be touched. She will adjust and she should meet you half way. Have some patience with each other. You both sound like you have a good marriage. Be confident and go from there.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1369
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank you!!!

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions