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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue two weeks ago

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My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue two weeks ago after we dated for a happy seven months. For the first six months, things were great. We were committed. We went on vacation together. Hung out with each others' friends and family. I think he has a fear of intimacy and he pulled away and then abruptly ended things because he got overwhelmed and scared. Even the break up itself was confusing - we went on a whole date night and he was asking about my upcoming birthday and planning things for next month. Then when we got back to his apartment, we were cuddling and he said we should break up.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

I believe that I can help you.

I understand how devestated you are by this turn of events.

It seems that he does have a fear of intimacy. He wants to be with you, as indicated by the incident where he approached you in some way outside your office.

No contact may be his option but it should not be yours. Don't overwhelm him, but send him occasional (every day or two) brief notes that you are thinking of him or miss him.

You might purchase this book and have it sent to him:

Product Details

Daring to Trust: Opening Ourselves to Real Love and Intimacy by David Richo

 

This is his second book on the subject and he is very effective and persuasive.

 

Keep you contact up discretely and he may gain the confidence to come back to you.

 

I shall keep you in my prayers, to that end.

 

Warm regards,

 

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

What sort of things should I say? I don't want him to feel overwhelmed or like I'm some crazy girl who just can't let go.


 


And if he is confused, why wouldn't he text me or call me?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Rachel,

You are a loving woman who cares deeply for this man.

It is true that you don't want him to feel overwhelmed. That IS his problem, that he is easily overwhelmed and is afraid of loss. Perahps he was abandoned or neglected earlier in his life and that is expectation in relationships. He runs or sabotages the relationship before he can be abandoned.

Just send him little texts that are simple and make no demands.

"I have been thinking about you"

"I miss talking to you"

"I miss your company"

"I was thinking about our lovely vacation"

"I wish I could hold your hand"

"I hope [pray] that you will call me."

"You have been a bright light in my life"

and if you make any headway, i.e., get a response, then you might suggest that you meet at someplace you two went together (restuarant, park, etc.)

Or you might suggest that you are going to be somewhere that day and that you would love to run into him (park, festival, etc.).

He may not be confused, but just overwhelmed.

Stay in touch, in a low key manner and he may pull out of it. Make no demands and be only positive. Don't ask him why he is the way he is for he will not have an answer and he will only think you are being critical of him.

Just accept him the way he is and understand that he has great insecurity. If you can deal with it and get past it then he will gain confidence. If not, you may eventually want to give up.

As long as you still have hope and enthusiasm for him, then keep up your contact as I have suggested. He will either have a breakthrough or you may eventually tire of trying and move on.

Right now is the time to go for it.

I wish you great success.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

One thing I forgot to mention is that two days before we broke up, he staged an intervention for his alcoholic father. He's also been dealing with job stress. He's away for a month on a business trip right now so I'd want to wait to reach out and give him some space. Do you think he will get in touch with me when he gets back? Do people with these fears realize they made a mistake when given space?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Rachel,

People often realize that they have made a mistake when they are left alone to think. He may think that it is too late and will not get in touch with you when he gets back.

Send him a note. Just saying "thinking about you" will be enough to break the ice and have him call you if he cares.

I will pray with you that your prayers are answered.

Warm regards,

Elliott
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

But then why does everything I read online say to use No Contact after a break up to make your ex miss you?

Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Your ex will miss you but you are taking the chance that he will give up. Out of sight is out of mind. I do not agree that no contact is a long term solution. It is the same as no relationship after awhile.

You have to decide for yourself how long is too long, Rachel. After a certain amount of time he will move on.

He may have already moved on, but if he sees no more interest from you and he is stubborn, then this relationship will just fade away..

I wish you succes. Timing is everthing and you will have to figure that out for yourself for you know him and your situation better than anyone,

Warm regards,

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 1 year ago.
Dear Rachel,

Sometimes it is very difficult for me to understand why, after I have devoted so much time and caring effort, and answered follow-up questions, that they could slap me in the face for good professional work, and rather than having me credited for helping them, they put a bad mark on my permanent professional record.

Perhaps you didn't intend to do that.

If you did intend that then what is it that you object to and how can I make it better? My aim is to satisfy you and earn a postive rating.

Warm regards

Elliott, MAE, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7663
Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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