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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I do not trust my husband. I have been with my husband for

Resolved Question:

I do not trust my husband. I have been with my husband for 20 years married for 15 of those and we have one child. We did not fall in love in a passionate love affair, but rather a fun, caring, friendship, our sex life has been good. Two years I found out that my husband was involved in going to transgender clubs and even went out on a few dates. He said there was nothing sexual, but he liked the thrill. When we really talked about this he had been looking at pornography (this type and others) on and off for about 5 years. He promised that he would stop the activity of dates, going to clubs, etc. Things were rocky, but we worked through it. On my part, i travel a lot for work often being gone 4 -5 days a month. His job is very social - he works lots of conventions and has meetings late. Lately, I have felt a disconnect. When we spoke he told me he doesn't think he is happy - not unhappy, just not happy. I have recently found out that he has been spending time with a co-worker outside of work. I have seen pictures and in my opinion the two seem too cozy. I have even discovered that he has spent time with her to avoid spending time with me. I asked him about her and he said there is nothing going on and that it is just easy to spend time with her. Looking back now I see a pattern in the behavior - when things are calm (or probably just boring life) he appears to go out and seek others attention. I am here a fun person and would love to have some adventure. When I tell him this he just says I know and is guilty. Where I am now is that I can't trust him. He has lied about going to one place and being some place else. He has lied about who he is spending time with. He told me he loves me, but is not sure if he is in love with me, but wants to work on our marriage. I want to but I don't want to get hurt by trusting again.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 1 year ago.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you for your question.

Dear XXXXX :

When two people start dating it is exciting it's new, it's fun.

Dear XXXXX :

You are getting to know the person ad you are trying to impress the person.

Dear XXXXX :

Once things progress and you begin to get into that comfortable phase you become more of yourself. You get relaxed in the relationship. Then life gets in the way of having full focus on the relationship. Things come up that you have to do and life just becomes busy. You have obligations and relationships then get into a routine.

Dear XXXXX :

Before you know it you end up doing the same things everyday. You go to work and come home and the relationship is no longer the same.

Dear XXXXX :

People some times find it easier to step away from the problems in the relationship and hang to with friends or they may even find an activity that they enjoy.

Dear XXXXX :

The reason for this is because they do not want to face the problems so they avoid them.

Dear XXXXX :

It is time for both of you to sit down and discuss making time for each other.

Dear XXXXX :

He wants to fix the marriage so hanging out with a co-worker is not the answer. He needs to spend time with you.

Dear XXXXX :

The co-worker is easy to talk with because he has no connection. He cares about you and wants to be with you and is willing to find that happiness again.

Dear XXXXX :

I know it is hard to trust and give him another chance. But you both have been together so long and been through many things in life and one thing I want you to look at is you both love each other and want to be together.

Dear XXXXX :

He does seem to have a pattern of when he gets into that routine that he steps away from the problem.

Dear XXXXX :

What he is doing is not focusing on the problem he is ignoring it and taking his mind off it with other things. He needs to face the problems and understand that things can be fixed with communication.

Dear XXXXX :

If he wants to go out and be adventurous, then have him plan something together for you both to do. Tell him forget the guilt and do something about it.

Dear XXXXX :

Explain that you want to be a part of his life. You want to share your lives together.

Dear XXXXX :

You both love each other and it seems too me that he could not live without you in his life. He wants to try to work at this marriage. But it is up too you if you want to fully commit to fixing this marriage.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that you both have worked so much out in the past and you trusted him again. But you need to tell him how you feel and what you feel needs to be done in this marriage for you to feel like you can trust him again.

Dear XXXXX :

Even if you have to write it down in a letter on the things you feel he needs to work on and what you both need to work on.

Dear XXXXX :

It helps if the other person knows what they need to work on. Then they can begin to make those changes.

Dear XXXXX :

You both want to explain your wants and needs in the marriage so that each person fully understands what needs to change.

Dear XXXXX :

Thank you again for your question.

Customer: I have explained my needs and wants. When I asked him, he has not told me what he wants or needs
Dear XXXXX :

I want you to tell him to write it down.

Dear XXXXX :

He might have trouble expressing what his wants and needs are, if he writes them down he will be able to think about his thoughts

Dear XXXXX :

You could also write down how you feel and ask him to respond in a letter as well.

Dear XXXXX :

I want you both to plan your first date that you had.

Dear XXXXX :

This often helps in reminding people of the memories they once shared and why they fell in love.

Dear XXXXX :

It is nice to have a nice dinner and pull out old pictures and reminisce about the memories you both created over the years.

Customer: Thank you. I will try this. Unfortunately our conversation the other night did not go well and now I feel like I am walking on eggshells. We have a date planned for tonight so I will work to keep it light, reminisce and if that goes well ask him tomorrow to write down his needs.
Dear XXXXX :

That is a great start that you have a date tonight. I want you to focus on memories tonight.

Dear XXXXX :

I feel that conversations about the relationship right now should be put on hold because you both need to establish a new connection with each other.

Dear XXXXX :

Think of it as meeting each other for the first time.

Dear XXXXX :

You both want to start over together building an even stronger marriage.

Dear XXXXX :

Tonight is the perfect night to start over together.

Customer: Thank you. I will
Dear XXXXX :

You welcome and if you have anymore questions you can address your questions to Deardebra. Thank you again.

Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1825
Experience: I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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