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Dr. Bonnie
Dr. Bonnie, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 2177
Experience:  Experienced in counseling all age persons on relationship issues.
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My relationship is just about over b/c of my mental health

Customer Question

My relationship is just about over b/c of my mental health issues. I was in therapy but never officially diagnosed as borderline, though the definition reads like a bio. My depression has severely worsened over the last 3 months or so. Scarce employment and other personal issues are a few external pressures that are making things worse. I have barely been able to leave the house in this time and my savings have been eaten away.

 

My ability to trust has been damaged by my partner. He cheated. Our communication is poor: he ignores, I chase until it becomes unbearable. He has a tendency to lie. He says he is sick of trying. He does not believe it or I will ever get better. I just found out that he has been planning to move out for about a month now. I have been doing my best to get our relationship back on track. I sacrificed, as did he, to be together. I can't stand the thought of us being over.

What can I possibly say or do to make this right again?

 

I have done my best to listen to his concerns and to apologize for the things I have said. He felt he had to have the threat of moving out over my head to be on the same level as me. While I am glad that we are talking in a calm way, I feel abandoned yet again. He has ridiculed me for my depression before, calling it a "vacation."

 

Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Bonnie replied 11 months ago.
Hello and thank you for consulting JA,
I am so sorry that you are suffering these uncomfortable symptoms and that your relationship is affected. Borderline symptoms are difficult for the person who has them AND for the partner.

He may be willing to stay and work on things if he thought you were going to work on your issues and if he was helped to understand BPD. You may benefit from dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). While the borderline symptoms will never really go away, they can be effectively managed and research shows that DBT is best for this.
http://bpd.about.com/od/howtofindhel1/f/DBT-Therapists.htm

He can be informed about the condition and your relationship through this book:.
http://www.amazon.com/The-High-Conflict-Couple-Dialectical-Validation/dp/157224450X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1378425139&sr=8-2&keywords=borderline+marriages
The two of you can read this book together.

He may really want to stay in the relationship but he may be bewildered by the dynamics of your personality. Understanding will bring him a sense of clarity and peace. This can work if both of you are committed to working on it and the lines of communication are open.

The issue of his cheating and his judgment about your illness needs to be addressed as well...so....some couples counseling may be helpful.

I hope these ideas are helpful,
Warm regards

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