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Ask Dr. Paige Your Own Question
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My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years was showing me some pictures of
My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years was showing me some pictures of an old vacation on his phone and he opened a folder and I saw a picture of a woman's butt in a thong. I asked him who's it was and he replied "oh nobody" and quickly started to show me other pictures. I figured it was just an old girlfriend or something which is weird but not terrible. It kept bugging me so I did what something I'm not proud of, I began snooping his computer and looking at his pictures to see when it was taken. I found out by the time stamp that it was from a vacation we went on when we were just friends and hadn't begun dating. It still kind of irked me and I continued to snoop :/ I went through some old emails and found a conversation between him and his best friend. It took place a year into our relationship. Hewas discussing his recent vacation with our mutual friend to New York. He was telling him about one of the nights they went out. Our friend was approached by a hooker and brought her back to their hotel room. He goes on to say that our friend couldn't "finish" but he got his money's worth and finished. I really had hope that this was just a joke. I hate the fact that I went through his pictures and emails and now was faced with a dilemma of whether to ask him about it. Last night when he came home from work he could tell something was wrong and I tried to dismiss it, I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to know. I told him I was sorry for snooping and that was wrong but I asked him about the email. He admitted that he had slept with a hooker. He went to say that it meant absolutely nothing and that he was drunk and can barely remember it. He continue to say that even a year into our relationship he wasn't sure he wanted to settle down with one person. He has been married before for 7 years and he is older than me. He says things are very different now and that he has never felt like this for someone before. We have discussed married and kids and I thought we had the perfect relationship. It's been 2 1/2 years, we live together and before this couldn't be happier. We just got back last week from a Hawaii vacation that was amazing. I love him so much and can't imagine my life without him. I really want to forgive him. But I am having a hard time letting this go. Also I feel like if I let it go too easily I am just a pushover. I am also hurt that our friend would encourage him to do that. I'm not sure how to feel about him now. He is one of our closest friends. What should I do? He says it was a one time huge mistake and that he feels awful and hopes that I can believe that it would never happen again. He continues to say that things have really changed since then and that he would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. To be honest, at that point in our relationship when friends would ask me if I thought he was the "one" I was unsure. But I am sure now and I truly believe heis sure about us too. Please help!
3 years ago.
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replied 3 years ago.
Hello. If you truly are happy and love him and he was honest with you, then you need to learn how to move on from it. You don't have to let it go now and you shouldn't be mad at yourself for letting it upset you. It SHOULD upset you. It was a bad thing that he did and a nasty secret that he and your friend share. If you want to forgive him and stay with him, you believe that he is true in his feelings for you now, then you need to let time be on your side. You are expecting yourself to be able to just let it all go like that and everything is back to normal and it can't be. You can't undo seeing what you saw and knowing what you know. Everything is out there now and you need to decide how to proceed. Accept it or don't. You weren't sure about your relationship at a point in it and neither was he. He acted on it in an inappropriate way and you did not. It's like the old saying, you can't trip over what's behind you. What happened happened, so now what? I think that you need to take one day at a time and just handle things as you feel you need to. Don't pressure yourself into thinking you should feel this way or that way, let yourself feel how you do. With time, your love for each other will grow and this instance will grow more distant. I know it seems very painful and new right now because it is, but allow yourself to see the positives and the good in your relationship. As far as your friend goes, I'm not certain the best way to handle that and how close you really are, how often you see him, etc. I would guess that your boyfriend would tell him that you are aware of the events that happened that night and he might not know how to act around you either. You just need to be as calm and adult as you can be around him. I think you guys will be ok. Just give it some time and allow the emotions to come and go.
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