Hi, thanks for the reply. I actually no longer work with her, I was fired from that job because of our relationship yet she got to stay there.I don't know what she wants either and she has told me many times that she is confused. She insists that she wants me to still be her friend but how do you continue to be somebodies friend that has done this to you and that you will always want more from? Being friends is what got us in this spot, we are the best of friends which is what made our relationship so good, she can tell me anything and I listen and talk to her. I don't want to continue to be that person and fulfill that emotional void for the rest of her life while her husband enjoys all the other benefits as that is what has been happening for the past 2 years other than intimacy. She says that will never happen until she is happy. She keeps telling me "I don't even care about being happy, just don't want to be miserable anymore".Her first husband committed suicide on her and from what I understand her current husband and her were doing the same thing she and I were doing when he did it.How would you express to her how you feel? How much of a piece of trash you feel like? She gets so defensive and starts yelling because she knows she can talk however to me. Even if I quote exact words she will say I never said that or you are putting words in my mouth. I have done so much for this woman and she says I am so sweet and I am everything she ever wanted but can't and won't leave her husband whom gives her none of this stuff.I was married to my wife for 18 years and have a 6 and 10 year old. Lots of remorse over that. Yesterday would have been our 20th anniversary. Another thing that bothers me, she has no remorse for what this has done to them either. Never even asks.I will gladly pay more than the $15 or whatever for more advice. I just need some unbiased advice at this point.Thanks.Curtis
Thank You.You have been very helpful. I am not sure if I can say those things to her or not because I don't want to hurt her but I think it is what I need to do. Biggest problem is that I see her all the time, we live in a small town in Northern Minnesota. Hard to get away from her or her husband... I know him as well.The last time I tried to leave I was moving to North Carolina and had the job of a lifetime making 6 figures. Turned in my resignation at my current job and told her that night after she told me "If you really want to figure out how I feel take the job and go". She immediately started in on how she didn't want me to go and saying "I know you can't leave, you could never leave. You love me to much". So, I stayed... Biggest mistake of my life.The other thing is, she doesn't believe she ruined my life. She believes I ruined her life. 3 weeks ago she was angry and told me "You have destroyed my life and are out to destroy me." Then her husband moved out, now she waivers back and forth with the wind.Anyway, thank you for the advice and I am very thankful. Let's see if I can put it into words and actions.
How do I rate this now? No buttons?Curtis
Thanks. I gave you an excellent and I will definitely followup with you or you can follow up with me.
Hi Dr. Paige,
First, not sure if I should start a new question or not?I had talked to you about 2 weeks ago about my situation with a married woman.Well, last Friday I talked to her on the phone at 5PM and we talked for about 45 minutes. I told her I was going to let her go like she wanted so that she could work on her marriage and that we could still try and be friends if that is what she wanted. I could not find it in me to be mean to her or hurt her in any way. I was ready or as ready as I was going to get to do this. Anyway, her first question was "What are you going to do?" and I simply said "I don't know". She then told me "How do you work on your marriage when you have somebody that loves you more than you have ever been loved and would do anything for you?", I told her "Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about that person, if it were me and I loved that other person then I wouldn't but if I didn't and truely loved my spouse then I would. Only you can figure that out.". I then simply told her that I loved her. I also told her that based on what she was saying that I think she is doing this for all the wrong reasons, working on her marriage that is. And she said "My head is telling me that I should try". She also told me "You will find someone great and have the last laugh because I won't be happy".First I must explain something, she knows when I get scared of losing her because I text her and call her and try to see her as much as possible.Well, as soon as we got off the phone she text me "R u using reverse psychology on me?" so I asked her what she meant and she said "Doing the opposite of what u want to get the response ur looking for... in other words... the other way wasn't working... change it up and see if that does". I just said "I guess, the old saying if you love something set it free".So, I left her alone and about 8:45 that night I txt her "How ru?" and she replied "Same... eyes hurt more than hip... need a way out of this world... you?" and I just told her I was ok.Well, usually on the weekends I txt her early because we are both early risers and she won't respond until 9AM or so. So I waited Saturday morning and decided to txt her "Good morning. How ru?" at 7:58AM. Within 30 seconds she responded "The same... how ru?". This shocked me, I could sense that she missed me. She proceeded to chat away for a little while. Then at 10 I text her "Not very nice out. Ick" and she replied "Was ok for runnin... ha". She was rubbing in the fact that I didn't go see her while running is what I took it as. So I asked her how her hip was feeling because she has been struggling with a muscle issue. She responded "Gr8 just like everything else... dunno what in the he double toothpicks u have done to me." I knew right there what she was feeling.Anyway, I stayed pretty quiet and she kept chatting. Took my kids to the waterpark at noon and when we came out at 2:15 I had a text that said "God granted u one of your wishes today" so I asked "What's that?" and she said "I can understand u and your crazy actions a little better". I asked which crazy actions and she said "The callin... texting... drvin out to find me..." I think she was experiencing what I experience when I got scared of losing her and at this point had pulled me back to her like a magnet.About 4 I text her and said "I love you sweetheart and miss you" and she replied "Well, if it makes u feel any better i have barely stopped crying since yesterday".Well, we went to church and I saw her there. She looked awful, bags under her eyes. After church she told me she had to take some stuff over to her husbands. Well, about 8:50 that night I get a txt "I'm a mess, heading home. Gn" so I called her. This got interesting.First thing she said was "Say a prayer for me so that I don't wakeup in the morning" and I told her I was not doing that. She had been drinking and I could tell. Then she said "What in the he double toothpicks have you done to me?" so I said you want honesty and then told her that I thought she loved me as much as I love her and that she loves everything I am and what I do for her. She was crying and said "What do I do? I have tried to do the right thing but I am human and have needs and wants too.", I just told her that only she can figure that out. I then asked her if she was home yet and she said she had just pulled into the garage and then she started talking about finding a hose for her exhaust, etc. I told her that God does not want us to be puppets, robots or whatever and that is why we have freewill, it was actually the mass in church that night as well. And she said "I wish God would just tell me what he wants from me.". Anyway, I made her promise me she was going to bed and she did. We were on the phone for nearly 45 minutes again.So, the next morning I drove out while she was running and she was happy to see me and we talked while she ran. Then chatted all day and then I went and saw her that night while out walking and she was very playful and frisky. Jumping in the front seat of my truck, etc. Kind of naughty but she had been drinking.Well, then yesterday (Monday) we had a good conversation on the phone at 5 and she said "Ur not going to let go ru?" and I said "Nope, after trying I realize that I can't" and she said "Pain in my rearend" which for us is a term of endearment and she sounded happy. Well, this is where it got bad. I went out while she was running an hour later and she was frustrated. Said "I love Jim and I can't leave him and I don't think he will leave me". Then proceeded to say "I could love you with all my heart and soul and miss you but if I can't leave my husband what does it matter?"I just wish if that were the case then why did she do what she did? Fear, control? She didn't need to make it known to me how much she missed me because that just makes it harder now. She text me afterwards as well and said "What part of i dunno how i feel about you cant u understand? and what part of i am so confused dont u understand? force the issue and u find out". Isn't that what I tried to do and I did find out?Am I really this clueless? She likes to tell me that. Yes, I am a male but I don't think I am that clueless.Thanks