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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1376
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, I have a relationship question which is rather complex.

Customer Question

Hi, I have a relationship question which is rather complex. About 2 years ago I fell for a lady I worked with. She is Catholic (strict). Well, she fell for me as well because her marriage wasn't working. My marriage ended because of it because my wife refused to accept me continuing to work with her. Anyway, 2 years later and her husband hasn't left and I am quite sure that is what she wanted as she told me that many times "If you could just figure out how to get rid of the other problem we would be fine" and many other ways. Now she is starting to tell me that she feels she needs to work on her marriage. I have since lost my job because of our relationship, lost my family and tried to leave twice. Once I tried to leave before I lost my job and the other about 8 months ago. Both times she cried and said I don't want to lose you. I sometimes wonder if the first time was because she couldn't do her job without me. Her husband has moved out and now she is begging me to please let go. I can't let go because I love her and she continually does things that make me wonder. Just last week she told me she wanted to kiss me, is curious but says she can't and won't. Catholic traits... Although we have done alot of other playing around which she has not told her husband about.

Now for the problem. I feel like if I let go that I am going to completely resent and hate her. She has used me since I was fired from my job to help her get through her job. Which I know if I was cruel I could get her fired for as well. I sometimes feel like I was totally used in order to get her husband to come around which he has not to this date. Just the other day she said give me 6 months to see if my marriage is even still there, then started talking about something else. I asked her "Honestly, if I walk away and you figure out in a month that you love me as much as you though would you do anything about it anyway?" Nope... Her mom told her 2 weeks ago, suck it up and make your marriage work.

What do you do when you love somebody like this so much that you would almost rather be dead than live without them? I have given her everything, the emotions, romance, openness and honesty, friendship, etc. that she wanted. Now she expects me to walk and be her friend. BTW, she is very co-dependent. Thus, quite self-centered and manipulative...

Any advice? I don't want to act on my resentment with her and get revengeful but it feels like the only way out of this. Would love to tell her husband everything he doesn't know about her and what we have done. That would make him walk in a hurry.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You are definitely in a bad position. You know that she is co dependent and you are probably right in that she has used you to an extent. She probably is confused and not sure of what she needs or wants in her own life. Once you are gone, it could completely change the dynamic yet again. You need to be certain that she is certain she wants you out of her life and then as hard as it is, you need to walk away. You have anger in you, which is evident by what you wrote and even if she did come to you, all of this damage has been done and will effect your relationship in the future. The fact that your entire life has been taken apart because of her and she has not acknowledged this in any way or met you half way with a relationship shows you how much you really mean to her. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. She had ample opportunity to choose you and she did not. This should tell you everything that you need to know. As far as acting on your revenge impulse, of course that is your call, but I would recommend just walking away as peacefully as you must. Your work environment is going to be tricky enough as it is, you don't need to complicate things any more than that. If you feel you need to tell her husband, that is also entirely up to you. If she is self centered and manipulative as you say, why would you put up with this from her ? While you feel you would rather be dead than be without her, the fact is, she has really caused a lot of pain in your life and the reality is, you can do just fine without her. You will be a lot better off than you realize. Do you want to be in a relationship with a self centered, manipulative person? What makes you think she won't continue with this behavior? You need to find the strength to walk away from her. She has made her choice.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi, thanks for the reply. I actually no longer work with her, I was fired from that job because of our relationship yet she got to stay there.

I don't know what she wants either and she has told me many times that she is confused. She insists that she wants me to still be her friend but how do you continue to be somebodies friend that has done this to you and that you will always want more from? Being friends is what got us in this spot, we are the best of friends which is what made our relationship so good, she can tell me anything and I listen and talk to her. I don't want to continue to be that person and fulfill that emotional void for the rest of her life while her husband enjoys all the other benefits as that is what has been happening for the past 2 years other than intimacy. She says that will never happen until she is happy. She keeps telling me "I don't even care about being happy, just don't want to be miserable anymore".

Her first husband committed suicide on her and from what I understand her current husband and her were doing the same thing she and I were doing when he did it.

How would you express to her how you feel? How much of a piece of trash you feel like? She gets so defensive and starts yelling because she knows she can talk however to me. Even if I quote exact words she will say I never said that or you are putting words in my mouth. I have done so much for this woman and she says I am so sweet and I am everything she ever wanted but can't and won't leave her husband whom gives her none of this stuff.

I was married to my wife for 18 years and have a 6 and 10 year old. Lots of remorse over that. Yesterday would have been our 20th anniversary. Another thing that bothers me, she has no remorse for what this has done to them either. Never even asks.

I will gladly pay more than the $15 or whatever for more advice. I just need some unbiased advice at this point.

Thanks.
Curtis

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Oh ok I wasn't understanding about her not working there anymore. Honestly, this woman sounds like a ton of trouble for you.
YOu asked how you be someone's friend when you want more and the answer is, you can't. Plain and simple. It is not fair for her to ask this of you. This is certainly the very definition of using someone.
She shouldn't be able to 'talk however' to you. You shouldn't allow her to push you around. You have to stand up for yourself. Don't tell her you feel like trash, tell her that she has abused your friendship and you don't appreciate it. Tell her that she ruined your life and you aren't going to stand for it anymore and you are out of her life for good. Tell her you can't deal with her indecisive nature and you refused to be used anymore.
The fact that she shows no remorse whatsoever about your ex wife and children should be an enormous red flag for you that this woman is extremely destructive to everyone around her. As I said before, even if she chose to be with you, she may very well find someone new eventually and start this whole pattern all over again.
For your own sanity, your future and your self worth, my advice would be to get as far away from her as possible. I understand your feelings for her and how that can make you blind to things, but at the same time, I hear the clarity in your question. I can hear the anger, the want to take revenge, the need to hurt her as she has hurt you. So this is your answer. You have to leave her. You just do. Walk far away and never look back. I do not see any scenario where this will turn out good for anyone involved. She will never let her husband go in favor of you. I just don't see that happening. She has everything she wants, your friendship and his whatever he gives her. Why on earth would she change? She knows she can get away with anything with you. You need to change that and change it now.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thank You.

You have been very helpful. I am not sure if I can say those things to her or not because I don't want to hurt her but I think it is what I need to do. Biggest problem is that I see her all the time, we live in a small town in Northern Minnesota. Hard to get away from her or her husband... I know him as well.

The last time I tried to leave I was moving to North Carolina and had the job of a lifetime making 6 figures. Turned in my resignation at my current job and told her that night after she told me "If you really want to figure out how I feel take the job and go". She immediately started in on how she didn't want me to go and saying "I know you can't leave, you could never leave. You love me to much". So, I stayed... Biggest mistake of my life.

The other thing is, she doesn't believe she ruined my life. She believes I ruined her life. 3 weeks ago she was angry and told me "You have destroyed my life and are out to destroy me." Then her husband moved out, now she waivers back and forth with the wind.

Anyway, thank you for the advice and I am very thankful. Let's see if I can put it into words and actions.


 


How do I rate this now? No buttons?

Curtis

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think you can say those things to her if you find the strength inside. You don't want o hurt her but look at what she has done to you. Would it be better for you to write down your feelings to give to her? That might be another option for you.
If she doesn't think she ruined your life, then she needs to see things without you in her life.
Please follow up with me or allow me to follow up with you to see how it goes and please let me know if you need help and support.
There should be a rating system where you rate the answers from poor to excellent service. I don't see what you do. Let me know if there is a technical issue and I can send to tech support.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1376
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Paige and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks. I gave you an excellent and I will definitely followup with you or you can follow up with me.


 


Curtis

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Hi Dr. Paige,


 


First, not sure if I should start a new question or not?

I had talked to you about 2 weeks ago about my situation with a married woman.

Well, last Friday I talked to her on the phone at 5PM and we talked for about 45 minutes. I told her I was going to let her go like she wanted so that she could work on her marriage and that we could still try and be friends if that is what she wanted. I could not find it in me to be mean to her or hurt her in any way. I was ready or as ready as I was going to get to do this. Anyway, her first question was "What are you going to do?" and I simply said "I don't know". She then told me "How do you work on your marriage when you have somebody that loves you more than you have ever been loved and would do anything for you?", I told her "Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about that person, if it were me and I loved that other person then I wouldn't but if I didn't and truely loved my spouse then I would. Only you can figure that out.". I then simply told her that I loved her. I also told her that based on what she was saying that I think she is doing this for all the wrong reasons, working on her marriage that is. And she said "My head is telling me that I should try". She also told me "You will find someone great and have the last laugh because I won't be happy".

First I must explain something, she knows when I get scared of losing her because I text her and call her and try to see her as much as possible.

Well, as soon as we got off the phone she text me "R u using reverse psychology on me?" so I asked her what she meant and she said "Doing the opposite of what u want to get the response ur looking for... in other words... the other way wasn't working... change it up and see if that does". I just said "I guess, the old saying if you love something set it free".

So, I left her alone and about 8:45 that night I txt her "How ru?" and she replied "Same... eyes hurt more than hip... need a way out of this world... you?" and I just told her I was ok.

Well, usually on the weekends I txt her early because we are both early risers and she won't respond until 9AM or so. So I waited Saturday morning and decided to txt her "Good morning. How ru?" at 7:58AM. Within 30 seconds she responded "The same... how ru?". This shocked me, I could sense that she missed me. She proceeded to chat away for a little while. Then at 10 I text her "Not very nice out. Ick" and she replied "Was ok for runnin... ha". She was rubbing in the fact that I didn't go see her while running is what I took it as. So I asked her how her hip was feeling because she has been struggling with a muscle issue. She responded "Gr8 just like everything else... dunno what in the he double toothpicks u have done to me." I knew right there what she was feeling.

Anyway, I stayed pretty quiet and she kept chatting. Took my kids to the waterpark at noon and when we came out at 2:15 I had a text that said "God granted u one of your wishes today" so I asked "What's that?" and she said "I can understand u and your crazy actions a little better". I asked which crazy actions and she said "The callin... texting... drvin out to find me..." I think she was experiencing what I experience when I got scared of losing her and at this point had pulled me back to her like a magnet.

About 4 I text her and said "I love you sweetheart and miss you" and she replied "Well, if it makes u feel any better i have barely stopped crying since yesterday".

Well, we went to church and I saw her there. She looked awful, bags under her eyes. After church she told me she had to take some stuff over to her husbands. Well, about 8:50 that night I get a txt "I'm a mess, heading home. Gn" so I called her. This got interesting.

First thing she said was "Say a prayer for me so that I don't wakeup in the morning" and I told her I was not doing that. She had been drinking and I could tell. Then she said "What in the he double toothpicks have you done to me?" so I said you want honesty and then told her that I thought she loved me as much as I love her and that she loves everything I am and what I do for her. She was crying and said "What do I do? I have tried to do the right thing but I am human and have needs and wants too.", I just told her that only she can figure that out. I then asked her if she was home yet and she said she had just pulled into the garage and then she started talking about finding a hose for her exhaust, etc. I told her that God does not want us to be puppets, robots or whatever and that is why we have freewill, it was actually the mass in church that night as well. And she said "I wish God would just tell me what he wants from me.". Anyway, I made her promise me she was going to bed and she did. We were on the phone for nearly 45 minutes again.

So, the next morning I drove out while she was running and she was happy to see me and we talked while she ran. Then chatted all day and then I went and saw her that night while out walking and she was very playful and frisky. Jumping in the front seat of my truck, etc. Kind of naughty but she had been drinking.

Well, then yesterday (Monday) we had a good conversation on the phone at 5 and she said "Ur not going to let go ru?" and I said "Nope, after trying I realize that I can't" and she said "Pain in my rearend" which for us is a term of endearment and she sounded happy. Well, this is where it got bad. I went out while she was running an hour later and she was frustrated. Said "I love Jim and I can't leave him and I don't think he will leave me". Then proceeded to say "I could love you with all my heart and soul and miss you but if I can't leave my husband what does it matter?"

I just wish if that were the case then why did she do what she did? Fear, control? She didn't need to make it known to me how much she missed me because that just makes it harder now. She text me afterwards as well and said "What part of i dunno how i feel about you cant u understand? and what part of i am so confused dont u understand? force the issue and u find out". Isn't that what I tried to do and I did find out?

Am I really this clueless? She likes to tell me that. Yes, I am a male but I don't think I am that clueless.

Thanks

Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
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