How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I had relations with an associate of my current boyfriend,

Customer Question

I had sexual relations with an associate of my current boyfriend, after having relations with my boyfriend, but before we were officially dating. I know this is not right either way and I made a very bad life choice. My boyfriend knows that I shared a kiss with this guy, but I never said anything about the intimacy. I thought we put this issue behind us, but it has come up again. We are now getting much more serious and talking life long committment, and I'm afraid that he might eventually find out. My boyfriend has trust issues from a prior long term relationship where a girl cheated on him. I have not cheated on him and would not ever cheat on him. This was something that happened before we were actually and "item" and dating. Morally, I don't know if I should just bite the bullet and say good bye for ever, or keep pleading the fifth and two, I am afraid that this issue will never go away and that he just might pull the rug out from underneath me now or in the future because he can't get past this guy. Help, please
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very frustrating and unfortunate indeed. I am sorry to know you are facing this situation, but as you said, hiding it from him even longer, now that you are committing to a more formal relationship and life together, it seems necessary to be totally honest and tell him what happened, even when it could obviously risk the integrity of your relationship now and its possible future.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What would happen mostly depends on his level of maturity and coping skills, they would allow him to appreciate your honesty and real commitment, without anything inconsistency with your commitment; or to react in a destructive way and choose not to trust you any longer or even to end the relationship.

Customer:

Part of me feels that we weren't dating when it happened, and I haven't asked him or require him to tell me about any of his prior "hook ups" before we started dating, and I kinda feel it isn't any business and shouldn't having any bearing on our relationship. Obviously, I am having mixed emotions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said in your question that this happened when you were not dating, but now you are saying that "part of you feels you were not dating when that happened". Could you clarify what you mean?

Customer:

Because of his prior long term relationship and him being cheated on, he does have trust issues already. But he also has a relationship with his ex because of a dog that they "share" custody over (?), that is ok with him to have, but not ok with me to have with my ex. So he is kinda playing the one way street card.

Customer:

No, sorry, we were NOT officially dating when this happened with an associate of his.

Customer:

I meant to say "part of me feels, that because we weren't dating when it happened . . . . "

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if you truly believe this is the case and both of you have made this agreement that you do not need to share or talk about what happened before you started dating, then it should be fine, but in your message you show how confllcited you seem to be because of not telling him about it, right?

Customer:

Yes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if that's the case from where or why you think you feel this conflicted?

Customer:

I feel conflicted, because, even though all we had was one night together, and no actual committments, or suggestion of even dating one another, he thinks that I should have just assumed that we were gonna be dating. But about 3 weeks later when he asked me to be his girlfriend, we discussed that we were NOT gonna see any one else, that we were exclusive. So, contrary to everyone else that feels we were not bf/gf when it happened, that it is prior history that should stay prior.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then if that is consistent with what you committed to with your boyfriend and feel it would not become a serious issues damaging your relationship in the future, you could keep it. My concern is that you have shown you are fearful he would find out sooner or later, and then he could tell you why you chose not to tell him about it once you were already together is you were supposed to be honest with each other. Then you would have to justify your behavior, pointing at his trust issues and past negative experiences.

Customer:

I honestly feel that this associate would take this to his grave. I know that my bf has trust issues and that there are things that need to be straightened and discussed before we commit to marriage, but in your opinion, do you feel that this is a bad thing to keep to myself since it happened prior to him actually asking me to be his gf? (my bf honestly thinks that since we had sex that one time, that I should have just assumed that we were gonna end up dating)

Customer:

I know I made a bad choice, and didn't realize all the inter-connection between all these people. Even though it happened before we were an "item", I know that my bf would not have anything to do with me if I ever told him. I really don't want to lose him, I do want to marry him, but I am afraid that he won't ever trust me because of his past gf cheating. I did not cheat on him, and I wouldn't ever, before marriage or after.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In your boyfriend's mind it could not be about assumptions but what he felt and how hiding it from him would imply not being honest. He would think if you know how he felt about it,a nd even then you chose to hide it from him, even more once you committed to a more serious relationship, he would fel betrayed. But you are the only one who knows what you want and can afford in this scenario, just assess the pros and cons, the risks you would be taking and the consequences, and choose the one that for you seems to be the best one. According to your story, it is obvious you feel there was nothing wrong in your actions, but also you know that your boyfriend does not think the same way, and this is about his trust issues, and that's why it should be addressed taking into account the way it could impact his feelings and your relationship.

Customer:

ok, thank you Rafael.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency