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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1475
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Me and My Girlfriend were good friends for 4 years we are co

Customer Question

Me and My Girlfriend were good friends for 4 years we are co workers. She was in a rough place at the time so i asked her to go on a vacation with me and she said yes but she also asked about my next trip. She got really excited and wanted to go on the next vacation i had planned by my self so she booked her ticket before I had a chance buy my own so then i also booked my ticket. We hooked up before we left for the vacation and we took off from there. We did move fast and at first i thought it was too fast and i new she liked me more then i liked her. We had our fights like every couple but nothing major we set boundaries and it was nice. For the first 10 months we took 3 trips totaling 2 months of traveling together. As time went on we really fell in love but when the vacations slowed down things started to change but had one planned for the holidays. I admit that I had little selfish ways but nothing i did ever questioned her trust for me. We did a lot of things together worked out and surfed and i helped her a lot with financial things not by giving her money but advice. She was a insecure girl at times telling me i should be with a girl who is prettier and things like that saying she's fat. Eventually she started losing weight and gaining confidence. One day she met a guy that showed her interest and she ran with that questioning our relationship. She said things that were red flags but i loved her so i put my all into making this work. She started hanging out with this guy without me knowing even in front my own friends. She called a break and we both decided not to see other people. Later on i found out through friends she wasn't being honest but she didn't want to break up when i asked her and she said she couldn't promise me she wouldn't see other people so i called it off. The day we broke up she goes to a concert with her new friend. Its been a week and Im devastated and heart broken. I know there is feelings there and she saying she needs to figure things out for her self and let her be free. My mind keeps changing from feeling betrayed and not wanting anything to do with her to deep down i lover her and would give it a 2nd chance. How do i handle this?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this painful and frustrating situation.

Customer :

I don't know what to do everyone is giving me advice some same and some different. We still have a vacation planned together to go to japan and she still wants to go

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You knew each other as good friends and coworkers for four years, thus you had enough time for sharing and getting a good idea about each other, as long as each of you happened to be honest and open in what you shared. You also said she pushed the romantic-sexual relationship and was more interested in getting closer to you than what you experienced at that time, but you decided to allow it and invested in the relationship, to the point of committing to it, helping her and getting more attached to your relationship.

Customer :

I want to be with her how do i get her back?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but her present behavior shows nor respect, maturity nor real caring about your feelings, since she is going against everything you were building together, as she pushed it and you allowed. She enjoyed all the vacations together and then suddenly changed her ways and started dating this other man, betraying you, and event then she pushes you to keep getting your unconditional affection, attention and benefits, and that's truly unacceptable and very abusive for most people in your shoes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see how you could make this person transform herself and do what she obviously does not want to do. The only way for you to stay with her as you have been already doing, is to continue to take this non-exclusive relationship, pleasing her as much as she wants. I would not recommend that, but depending on your value and belief system, and what you want and choose to afford, you could do that for sure. Just take full responsibility for your choices and feelings, in that way you would not get more frustrated with time, since such approach would only get stronger with time.

Customer :

Thats what i have been thinking i have been betrayed and not respected. When we did break up we had a good talk and were gonna remain friends until i found out she went out with this guy the same day. I know she never cheated in having sex but she had intentions of doing something wrong. What about the vacation we still have planned together? I still want her to come with me in hopes of getting back together but i don't know. The main advice i got is the no contact. She texts me goodnight and ask how im doing and i respond should i ignore?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your response depends on what you expect from it, your core values, and what you want or not to afford. As I said, if you are willing to share with a person who has other sexual-romantic relationships while spending vacations and this type of relationship with you, willing to pay that price, then you would go on, but if you feel it does not meet your core needs and expectations from a relationship, and that you do not want to afford all the challenges and potential and obvious issues this situation presents, then you would better end every communication with her and work on rehabilitating from this painful experience.

Customer :

It wasn't so much she was dating him. They hung out a few times with mutual friends and she went mountain biking with him once and had a lunch together once. She told me she needed to figure things out and she didn't know why she was feeling that way and it put our relationship in doubt in her mind. Her friend told me she loved me but wanted to hang out with this guy just as a friend and it making me uncomfortable made her feel guilty and she didn't like that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Didn't she lie to you about this situation, this other man and has pushed things for you to take it while still expecting you to spend time with her, more trips and vacations?

Customer :

She was honest when she first hanged out with this guy she said she knew it was wrong but she didn't care because she wanted to do something fun and was selfish. It was when she went out and saw this guy at the bar and my friends had to tell me 18 days later and she said she knew my friends would let me know so she didn't tell me and it would have made me mad

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel it is just a misunderstanding and feel fine with it, then no problem, just enjoy the time with her and continue trusting her, since you feel she has not disrespected, betrayed nor manipulated you, but please, take full responsibility for your choices and actions.

Customer :

Well she said this guy sparked an interest. But i know there is still feelings there with us. I just don't know what actions to take to get over her or for her to realize she was with someone that truly loved her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Each person is unique and couples are different, some feel only comfortable with totally exclusive relationships, while others do only want non exclusive dating. You have the right and power to choose what works for you, and nobody should tell you what to do nor judge you, as long as you take full responsibility since it is your life and you need and deserve to build and enjoy it.

Customer :

The trust is gone for now and i do feel betrayed we are broken up so i can't know what she is doing or ask her questions. But for some reason its how good we had it in the past and our friendship that makes me want to still be with her and also this is the first girl i ever fell in love with

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Healthy, mature exclusive relationships require total reciprocity around respect, honesty , affection, understanding, caring , support and more. If one person has these skills and approach, being consistent with his actions, but the other person does not do -feel the same, then it would never work as a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Again, people and couples are different and each set their own standards, thus they need to face the consequences of the rules they choose to shape their relationship.

Customer :

That is true. She had all those standards. Right now i look at it as if im the guy that got her on her 2 feet gave her great experiences and now she wants to go and see what happens when shes not with me. In the beginning she wanted the commitment and i gave it to her. What do i do to help my self in this situation by not being angry towards her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your good past friendship and the fact it's your first love could explain why you feel this overwhelmed by it, but please assess reality here, you need to come to terms with facts, and base your decisions from them. You need to be clear if for you she was honest or not, betrayed you or not, has been using and manipulating you or not. It all depends on how you approach it based on your mutual commitment, you personal values, beliefs and expectations.

Customer :

When it comes down to it I do want her back and if she comes back to me i know she will be honest with me because she knows she was wrong through it all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then first acknowledge reality the way it is, without denying, avoiding or justifying her behaviors, otherwise you would be self-sabotaging, enabling her manipulation. From there you would set clear limits and boundaries, starting by ending contact with her if she continue to keep such approach incompatible with you, your agreement and relationship. Then you would need to adjust your life to make it work for you without draining more energy and tranquility because of this person, since she has obviously chosen to do through a very different path. I would not say that anger is a negative feeling here at all, but a normal and necessary one, otherwise you would be denying reality, repressing your feelings, so enabling her manipulative ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it you truly believe that and feel confident about it, go on, and time will confirm how things are, showing you much clearer that really is going on here, then be mindful and open to learn.

Customer :

I have been self sabotaging myself even blaming my self at times. We still have to meet up to figure out our travel insurance on our trip. Should I just let her contact me about that and other then that ignore her texts like the simple ones like good night and good mourning. I know i will run into her at the gym and she says she still wants to surf and workout together to remain friends.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to choose what you want to believe and afford here, since depending on that your actions would follow. You cannot keep thinking she betrayed you, was not honest and more, knowing what she is feeling for this other man, and at the same time think and expect her to be like she was in the past, because she is not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then please take an approach of trusting her and believing she is just fine and loving you and more even when you broke up, and keep sharing with her, or acknowledge all the changes and situations that happened, and be consistent with yourself. Either way, take full responsibility for your choices and actions. You do not want to keep fueling more than one version of reality, you need to choose one and stick to it and see what happens.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only you know your feelings, what happened and only you know what you want to afford here or not, just be totally truthful with yourself and take consistent actions, being mindful to learn from the experience as it continue to develops by the way each of you shape it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer :

U still there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Su re I am here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Cant' you see my text?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :


Rafael M.T.Therapist says:

8:03 PM



You need to choose what you want to believe and afford here, since depending on that your actions would follow. You cannot keep thinking she betrayed you, was not honest and more, knowing what she is feeling for this other man, and at the same time think and expect her to be like she was in the past, because she is not.






8:05 PM



then please take an approach of trusting her and believing she is just fine and loving you and more even when you broke up, and keep sharing with her, or acknowledge all the changes and situations that happened, and be consistent with yourself. Either way, take full responsibility for your choices and actions. You do not want to keep fueling more than one version of reality, you need to choose one and stick to it and see what happens.






8:07 PM



Only you know your feelings, what happened and only you know what you want to afford here or not, just be totally truthful with yourself and take consistent actions, being mindful to learn from the experience as it continue to develops by the way each of you shape it.






8:08 PM



Does it make sense?






Customer says:

8:14 PM



U still there?






Rafael M.T.Therapist says:

8:15 PM



Su re I am here






8:15 PM



Cant' you see my text?



Customer :

I can now but if you answered my last question i didn't receive it

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Let me change from chat to postings, since the chat has technical issues.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Our chat has ended, but you can still continue to ask me questions here until you are satisfied with your answer. Come back to this page to view our conversation and any other new information.

What happens now?

If you haven’t already done so, please rate your answer above. Or, you can reply to me using the box below.
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Rafael M.T.Therapist says:8:03 PM

You need to choose what you want to believe and afford here, since depending on that your actions would follow. You cannot keep thinking she betrayed you, was not honest and more, knowing what she is feeling for this other man, and at the same time think and expect her to be like she was in the past, because she is not.

8:05 PM

then please take an approach of trusting her and believing she is just fine and loving you and more even when you broke up, and keep sharing with her, or acknowledge all the changes and situations that happened, and be consistent with yourself. Either way, take full responsibility for your choices and actions. You do not want to keep fueling more than one version of reality, you need to choose one and stick to it and see what happens.

8:07 PM

Only you know your feelings, what happened and only you know what you want to afford here or not, just be totally truthful with yourself and take consistent actions, being mindful to learn from the experience as it continue to develops by the way each of you shape it.

8:08 PM

Does it make sense?

Customer says:8:14 PM

U still there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist says:8:15 PM

Su re I am here

8:15 PM

Cant' you see my text?

Customer: replied 10 months ago.

I don't know how to handle this situation. Because i can't help that i want to be with her and i can't help feel that she betrayed me and was wrong to me

Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Honestly my thinking is changing i do feel she betrayed me and our friendship. But i can't help who i want to be with

Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Was not ready to end the chat
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
When reality shows you this conflicts, you have to come to terms with your need to take good care of yourself knowing that even when you want somebody to be with you, even your love-affection-passion are strong, if it is not reciprocal and healthy, then it would not lead you to be and feel better at all, but to self-sabotage, exposing to further disrespect, neglect, abuse and manipulation. Life implies these conflicts and learning to cope with them means becoming more assertive and mature.

It is tough and painful, but you need to work on it and develop these skills if you want to effectively cope, heal and grow from life experiences like this, which could be initially unavoidable, but afterward you would see right away who is and is not a good match for you, and who deserves your trust, love and presence.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Ok well the trip insurance that we need to settle how do i go about that and running to each other at the gym? I do feel she betrayed me but at the same time i can't help who i want to be with.

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
I did change from chat to postings because you were not replying since the chat was not allowing you to read my input, just as I explained. I hope you could understand this. I am sorry for the website's chat technical issues limiting communication. I just did not want you not to be able to read what I typed, otherwise it would not make sense to stay in the chat if it is not working.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

My internet went down but its running now so that chat would work

Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Please choose to either continue meeting and sharing with her under current circumstances and limitations or end every communication with her. Each presents its own pros and cons,choose the one that seems the healthiest and most consistent with what you want and expect from a relationship.

I am sorry I have no control of the interface, I cannot open a chat session.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

As far as handling how to meet up to settle the trip we have planned how would i go about that would i let her contact me? Even if i want her back should i be straight up and let her know she betrayed me and ruined the relationship to let her know i could be gone for good so she decides sooner?

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