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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My deceased friends father is in love with me. I am 23

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My deceased friend's father is in love with me. I am 23 years old and growing up I had a very good friend. Him and I got along great and flirted on occasion because we were two attractive people. At that time I didn't know his father. It wasn't until my friend was murdered that I met his father (which at the time was to send my codolences to). Well over the years (my friend was killed in 2008) I always checked on him to see how he was doing, we shared memories of his son with each other and pretty much developed a great friendship. About a year ago I stopped by as I normally would from time to time and I noticed he was kind of distant from me. I also noticed that when he would hug me, his hugs would be tighter and longer than usual. One day, (still a year ago) he finally told me what was going on. He said he is in love with me and it was getting hard to hide his feelings which was why he was kind of distancing himself. He said he's been in love with me for the past 2 years (at that point his son had been dead for 3 years) and he felt connected to me on a spiritual level. He said he was afraid of telling me because he didn't want to run me away but that he could not die without telling me. I thought about how this could happen. Then again I was always there for him. Then I took into consideration our age difference. Me and his son were the same age. I'm 23 now so he's in his early 40's. Not to mention he has a daughter my age too whom I get along with. I also think about how my friend would feel about this if he were still alive because we werwe're friends but we did like each other. I told his dad that maybe it's not love it's lust that he feels and he assured me it wasn't. It's an emotional, spiritual thing, although he finds me very beautiful. I have friends who know him and they think he's pretty handsome and on occasion I've honestly found myself a little jealous when they tried to hook up with him (which he never showed interest towards them). I've never shared this with anyone but my sister and she said she was not surprised because she could see it on the way he looks at me. One thing I forgot to mention is that when I would feel jealousy I would always brush it off and say to myself what the heck is wrong with ne. I really care about him but I'm not too sure about having a relationship with him considering the circumstances. He's a very nice guy that everyone loves and he's very hip so everyone loves him even more. His son definitely had a lot of his personality. What should I do....please help me. Even now he still feels the same.

Dear XXXXX : Thank you for your question.
Dear XXXXX : He developed feeling for you over the years because he got to see the person you are and he fell in love with you. You both have the connection because you both suffered a loss in some you cared about. You have been there for him and he knows that you are the one he had strong feelings for. You can tell he has given this a lot of thought and he had to tell you how he felt.
Dear XXXXX : He was tired of not saying anything knowing how much he loved you. I think he felt that you should know in case you had the same feeling for him.
Dear XXXXX : I am sure this caught you off guard to know he had feelings for you for years and never said anything. He even tried to distance himself but his feelings for you are so strong that he could not help but express them.
Dear XXXXX : I would really think about how you feel about him. You mentioned you get jealous and that is because you care about him.
Dear XXXXX : It was good that he told you because I feel like you would have wondered why he was so distant.
Dear XXXXX : I would think about how you feel and discuss things with him so he understands how you feel.
Dear XXXXX : He has seen the person you are and all those qualities created this strong attraction. Telling you how he felt was such a huge step because most people will hold those feelings in because they are afraid of rejection.
Dear XXXXX : He took a chance and told you because he didn't want to regret not expressing himself.
Dear XXXXX : Now that you know you need to think about if your feelings have changed for him.
Dear XXXXX : Think about how you felt when he told you and think about if you can see a relationship with him.
Dear XXXXX : I am sure he feels a little uncomfortable after telling you because I am sure he was hoping that you felt the same way.
Dear XXXXX : Now it is your decision whether you want to have a relationship with him. You could both be friends and see how things go. Maybe go on a date together as friends to see how you feel about him.
Dear XXXXX : If you are interested in him just take things slow and get to know each other better. You will know if you are interested in a relationship by just spending a little time together.
Dear XXXXX : You also should explain too him how you felt when he told you he had feelings for you. I am sure he is wondering how you feel about him.
Dear XXXXX : You could even say too him that you have given this a lot if thought and you would like to tell him how you feel.
Dear XXXXX : I would think about your feelings for him and see if you want to be together. Thank you again for your question.

Thank you so much for your much needed thorough response. I have given it a lot of thought it's just so many things running through my head.


Yes I was blown away when he told me this. My mind began to twirl.


At this point he is asking if me and him can sit down and have a chat about it and it's funny u mention going out because he's offered to take me out bowling or something ans insisted that I could bring my sister if I felt uncomfortable


I don't think I know how I feel about it other than I care about him. I have to figure that out.


All in all yes that was a very huge step and a confession I didn't see coming


Thank you again for your response as it is the best I've ever received on this site.


Thanks again and take care.


I just texted him and told him I was ready to finally discuss it further. My stomach is in knots right now lol. Like I'll probably have to hurl before I leave lol. I'm joking I think...


Any tips on preparing or what to focus on?

Dear XXXXX : Thank you. You want to focus on how you feel. Think about your feelings when you are sitting across from him. You want to see if yo
Dear XXXXX : You get butterflies and nervous around him now that you know how he feels.
Dear XXXXX : You can ask him questions on when he felt these feelings toward you and why he waited so long to tell you.
Dear XXXXX : Feel free to ask him any question you would like the answers to.
Dear XXXXX : You want to be relaxed and just think about how you feel around him. See how you both interact now that you know how he feels.
Dear XXXXX : Things will be a little different and you may get nervous but that is normal when you are thinking about starting a relationship.
Dear XXXXX : It was nice of him to invite you on a date and also say your sister could come so you would feel more comfortable. That is someone that is thinking about how you feel. He is very considerate of your feelings.
Dear XXXXX : It is good that you have known him for awhile and things will change a little because you are considerations a relationship, but he fell in love with the person you are, so just be yourself.
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