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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hello. I broke a guys heart 9 years ago when I told him he

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Hello. I broke a guy's heart 9 years ago when I told him he was nothing and had nothing going for himself. I was madly in love with him, I just let other ppl get in my head, I was just 14yrs old. He walked away and never spoke to me again. I've carried the guilt with me for years and recently (4 days ago) I tried to reach out to him via Facebook asking him to call me asap and sent him a request as well.I wanted to see how he was doing, catch up and let him know how sorry I am and that I didn't mean what Isaid I was just pressured bc I was a suburb girl and everyone thought he was no good including his mother who would always put him down, he was from the wrong side of the tracks.But when I got to know him I saw how intelligent he was and how much he wanted to become something in life he just wasn't in an motivating environment, nobody to motivate him. Our chemistry was so perfect. I was so in love, we were so in love, but everyone around me said, "oh you're 14 u don't know what love is and it's puppy love." Well I'm 23 now and I can honestly say it was love. I think about it and I feel it burning inside of me again. There have been very few men who've made me feel that deep gut burning love.But anyway bringing it back to my point. I reached out to him and he never responded but he received it. About 2 weeks later at 6:45am he tries to tag my profile pic to his page but I'm asked by fb to approve it. I say no because he hasn't responded to me nor has he accepted my request. Later that night he finally writes back but he's calling me out of my name and asking me if he even knows me.Of course he does as we have 17 mutual friends on there and I tell him who I am anyway and I add that he doesn't need to disrespect me. I then tell him that I wasn't trying to offend him or start anything so I'm gonna just leave him alone and I apologize. He reads it and he doesn't respond.I know I hurt him really badly but I didn't think after 9 years he would still have a vendetta against me. This tells me that he must still be hurt and is showing anger cuz that's how it comes out.So to me I'm thinking he must still cares.All I wanted was to tell him how sorry I am and that I really did love him. I would also tell him things that he didn't know like how after he walked away I sat down for a minute and felt like I made a huge mistake and I went to go after him but he was already gone and I didn't know where he went. I waited for months for him to come back. He wouldn't answer my calls and when I did see him a few months after the incident he would not listen to me, he literally ignored me and at the time I was just trying to make small talk, figuring I would wait until my aunt wasn't around to explain to him bc she was one of the ppl who told me I shouldn't be with him.I feel so awful and like I just gotta talk to him...I have to get this off of my chest bc all i do is think about it...idk what to do. Please give me some advice
Submitted: 3 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 3 years ago.

Dear Debra : Thank you for your question.
Dear Debra : What is happening is you need closure to this past relationship. You want to make all the wrongs right and it is never too late to do that so this is what you should do.
Dear Debra : I would explain too him who you are and describe your relationship together.
Dear Debra : Then tell him how you have felt all this time and you did not know how to approach the situation.
Dear Debra : Explain that you were young and people left impressions on you and you feel you made the wrong decision.
Dear Debra : It sounds like he might have some unresolved things he would like to say as well. I would not just forget about this because I feel you need to know what might have been and you never know things could start again.
Dear Debra : You both could be friends first get to know each other again. Then see where the relationship progresses.
Dear Debra : I feel the reason why he called you out was because he wanted to act like he was over what happened. He did not want to show you that he was hurt over what happened so he acted like he didn't know you.
Dear Debra : I would try again and explain things too him. Tell him exactly who you are so he knows.
Dear Debra : I am sure he was just surprised to hear from you and didn't even know how to respond. Now I think he would understand why you contacted him.
Dear Debra : You do not want to have no more regret.
JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Thank you for your thoughts. I can't believe how much of a help you've been.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

I would really, truly like to resolve this but I feel like if I contact him again it will read as if I'm desperate which truly I am but I don't want to convey that to him. I'm praying that one day he will call or even respond to my last message.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

It seems like it takes him a lot of time to respond even though he logs on periodically.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

I would like to contact him again and see if I can get him to call me so we can talk but I don't know if my pride can handle it because I don't want another confrontation.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

At the same time. I don't want him to feel as if I'm forcing him to communicate with me.

Dear Debra : Some times people log on check their site and log off because they might be busy and can't respond right away so they wait for the perfect time. He also might be thinking of what to say too you and he might be unsure how to answer.
Dear Debra : I would send him a message with your phone number asking him to call you to just talk and catch up on things.
Dear Debra : This gives him the option to contact you and he will know you are interested in speaking with him.
Dear Debra : I think one more time you should write. I do not feel you will come across as desperate. I think he will just be flattered that you are trying to communicate with him.
Dear Debra : You don't want to have anymore regrets so I would contact him again and then wait for his response.
Dear Debra : Even if you develop a friendship first that would be a gear start.
Dear Debra : *great start.
Dear Debra : i think he is surprised you contacted him and does not know how to react.
Dear Debra : Once he thinks about everything then he might decide to give this a chance.
Dear Debra : If he slow on responding I feel is because he really thinks about what to say too you.
Dear Debra : I want you to look at things this way the only thing he can do is not respond so it is worth messaging him again. Don't worry about what you think he will think if you. You never know what he is thinking he could be excited you contacted him. You just do not know how someone feels unless they express it. I would try again then after this last message wait for him to contact you.
JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Ok Thank you. I swallowed my pride and asked him to please call me. I am so nervous and can feel the knots forming in my stomach because for one I don't know how this could end and secondly I'm so out of my comfort zone. Having said that, I know that was the right thing to do was contact him again. Now if he doesn't then I can sleep at night knowing that I've tried.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

I'm hoping he will think about and call. Even if he calls to curse me out or to be combative, I will take it as at least he called. I'm going to be completely honest and be as kind as I possibly can, even thanking him for calling me.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

I will be sure to keep u updated.

Dear Debra : He might not call right away so give it some time. He might want to take his time and think about what he wants to say. He also might not want to call right away because he might want to keep you waiting figuring he becomes more of a challenge. But now you have given him that opportunity to contact him. Now you will no longer have that regret because you will know you gave this relationship a chance again. Now it is just a matter of waiting to see how he feels.
JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Hello. Just a quick update. He received my message on Facebook asking him to contact me however I think it's safe to say that he's decided not to. I really hoped he would but it's not looking like he will. I'm thinking at this point it might not be that he's still hurt but rather he just chooses not to have any type of interaction with me.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

I am a little hurt I have to admit but...I really tried and I hate that I have to try to forget about it all over again. Just taking it as a learning experience.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Thank you for your time and effort. It really meant a great deal to me.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Oh and in case u were wondering, he received my last message almost about a week ago.

Dear Debra :

It's been about a week and I know that is a little bit of a long time, he might wait two weeks to contact you. He also might be a little nervous to call. so he might respond in an e-mail. He is not going to call you right away because he is seeing what your intentions are and how much you are interested. He doesn't want to get hurt again, so he might be a lithe stand offish. This is very normal. He also has to get to know you again and might be hesitate because he doesn't know what to say, I think you are going to have to do most of the talking with him, until he gets more comfortable with you both interacting.

Dear Debra :

He might be seeing if you are still going to continue to contact him and that is because he wants to see if you are really interested in him.

Dear Debra :

I would wait a little longer and see if he contacts you.

Dear Debra :

Thank you for your question.

JACUSTOMER-jwymkp2v- :

Hi Debra!

Quick update. After waiting nearly 3 weeks I gave up and decided to move on because I grew tired of the anxiety. I sent him one final message and I told him that I was assuming he was not gonna call and that if he ever changed his mind I would love to hear from him. I sent him that message and I was officially done with it, moving on.

Today, 5 days after I sent him that he writes me back on Facebook asking me what my number was. I thought that was odd considering I had given him that information already but I was so happy he had responded without calling me out my name that I immediately replied giving it to him. Here's where things become confusing...

I gave him my number...again...and he immediately responds saying, "What am I calling for though?" After telling him to hold on a second because I was driving, he says, "You must want some more." So I'm freaking out like omg he's gonna call me out of my name again. So I say, "Want some more what?" And he's like, "Attention." I'm thinking to myself what?! I then tried to turn it into a positive saying I wanted to see how he was doing and things of that nature and clear up some things which is really why I kept bugging you so..yeah attention but nothing bad. He then says, "I've been good but what's up? I can't call right now because there's too many people around." Then out of nowhere he says, "You know that wasn't even suppose to happen."

ME: "What wasn't suppose to happen?" (->Now I'm thinking hmmm why is he making a point mentioning this! Of course I was going to bring this up down the line but he went there first)

Him: All that. But what are you trying to clear up babe

Me: Just call me when you are alone and you have some time because I don't wanna talk about it on Facebook

Him: Well you've been messaging me now when I'm responding you're playing. What's up girl? I'm just trying to see what you could want from me.

You're playing, I thought you actually wanted something, you just want some attention like I thought. Beat it!

Me: I'm not playing I'm actually very serious. I don't want anything from you but just a moment of your time. I didn't wanna talk about it on the book which is why I asked you to call me.

I wanted you to call me because I wanted to apologize to you for anything that's caused us not to be cool or friends

Him: You playing because I keep asking you what's up. What do you need my time for? I mean we weren't nothing for real.

Me: I've always wanted to tell you that but I never had the opportunityandafter a while i did not know how to approach the situation.

Well then why are we not friends???

Him: It isn't a issue but I have a woman and you know that, and you just be doing too much.

Are you still here in the city?

So what are you apologizing for?

Me: That's great that you have somebody, I would expect you to, it's been forever. I just wanna be cool with you, like I said I don'twant anything from you. How do I do too much? I will be there next month. Inever lived there just visited a lot.

Him: Oh ok, well you just have a nice life, thanks for checking on me.

Me: I guess it was just something to me then.

You're welcome...I guess??? <-----I said I guess because it read as he was being sarcastic maybe?

The last thing I said was "Thank you for at least responding" to which he saw and never responded. This all happened at like 8am today. My feelings towards this is that I'm confused and I'm not sure what this achieved, especially apologizing on such a public forum. I thought he was going to call because he started out asking for my number again. Anywho, I am grateful that he did respond and if it was nothing to him then I really hope it was because then that would mean I shouldn't feel guilty...I don't even feel stupid about it really and I don't feel like it wasn't suppose to happen. As far as himhaving a girlfriend idk why he would say I know he does when Ihaven't spoken to him in 9 years. Anyways, just wanted to thank you again and ask for your thoughts on how this conversation went. Part of me just wanted to say look I apologize if you can't accept it, two words for you and it ain't "Happy Birthday" lol. But I'm trying to treat this delicately and remain respectful at all times. And as far as me just wanting attention...what?! LOL

Can't wait to hear your thoughts! You've been a huge help!



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