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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hello, I need a dating advice. I met this man online. We clicked

Resolved Question:

Hello, I need a dating advice. I met this man online. We clicked rigth and had an amazing connection that we both were excited about. We met few times for lunch or coffee. After about two months of communication I left on my trip overseas for three weeks. The first two weeks we stayed in touch. The last week I was very busy and had a hard time to find internet connection. So after about a week of me not emailing I wrote him when I got back in town. He responded only in two days that he is excited I'm back. I emailed him back. He responded again only after couple of days. I then replied back that I have been seek and miss him. He joke back. I replied with some playful comment. And after that he never responded. I'm puzzled about it. I had been almost two weeks. Initially my ego was telling me not ti email him thinking if he wants to be with me he would contact me. I realized that his attitude changed after I didn't emailed him for about a week when on my trio. Did he get upset? I just don't understand. We are in our 30s- 40s, I know he was very attracted to me. We didn't have sex. I'm so confused. Should I just forget about him or should I email him asking if something happened? Please, any advice would help. Thank you.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'm sorry to know about your situation.

Customer:

Hello. Does it work as a chat? I never used this site before

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very sad and frustrating, since it shows that you have been totally honest towards him while he has not been sincere, opened and direct. Most people in your shoes would feel shocked by his behavior, since he appeared to be very caring, affectionate and excited about your relationship; but he suddenly change shows a person who is not even caring nor respectful about your feelings.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, this is a chat and we can talk here.

Customer:

So you don't think he maybe got upset because I didn't email him for a week? I know it is kind of silly. Plus we are both adults. But that when I noticed the shift.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behavior shows he's not mature. As you said this transformation happened once you were not able to be in touch for a week. I suspect he has issues around trust, commitment, accountability, and poor coping and communications skills. We do not know which negative experiences he had in the past, but we know that he may have been easily triggered by the lack of contact during that week.

Customer:

I also think we were not that much in a relationship to ask for explanation. It has been only three months. But the connection was sooo strong. I'm just thinking as a decent human being shouldn't I ask him if he is ok? I'm realy torn between letting go or at least check on him.

Customer:

He is definitely not shy and very charismatic with amazing sence of humor. But he would always make comments like I'm too good to be true.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People could get upset because of lack of communication and get frustrated, that would be a normal reaction; but his reaction is unacceptable because he has literally denied every form of communication and sharing between you, like his ending the relationship. This is an overreaction, it becomes unfair and abusive. Please do not feel guilty about it, you have done anything wrong here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you know during those 3 months you share together, he was one person, a good one for you but then he transform himself without a valid reason, that shows he's not very mature nor caring about you and what you were sharing during those months. You have kept in touch, being honest, respectful, nice and also telling him why you were not in touch during that week. Then I do not know what else you need to say about this, but for sure it would be acertive to let him know how you feel about he's silence, avoidance and radical change. Then you would just need to wait and see if he replies with an acceptable reason for this change.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If after sending that message he keeps avoiding you and not showing willingness to continue building something together, then it would be wiser to let him go, since whenever there is no reciprocity in what two people share, it would be impossible to create something healthy and fulfilling.

Customer:

That's the thing....I didn't tell him anything after that week regarding why I didn't write him. At the beginning of my trip I briefly mentioned that my access to the internet is very sporadic.

Customer:

I went thru the main pain and worry that if I write him asking he won't respond. And that's going to hurt. But at the same time I may always think about why I just didn't simply ask? I know if a man is interested he will chase after you no matter what. I'm kind of in between two desicions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see. Then for the very beginning you alerted him about how limited your internet access was going to be. Then he was aware of your situation. In this message that you could send asking him about his sudden change, there you could remind him how you alerted him about your internet limitation, and tell him about the total lack of internet during that week.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do understand what you say, but only you know how hard it feels; and because you need to take good care of yourself, I suggest you to send this message, because you need to find out what happened here whether it confirms your fears or not. If you choose not to send this message, you would be self sabotaging adding more pain into it.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

As you said, if he really cares about you and respects you, he will look for you, if not you will get confirmation that he doesn't deserve you nor even your friendship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very painful but necessary for you to take good care of yourself.

Customer:

I know at this point even if he responds we can't be together. Unless the reason is really valid which I doubt. It is obvious this relationship is going nowhere. In most cases I would move on in a couple of days and don't even look behind. But this time I felt it was so real and easy, no games, he was so sweet and romantic.

Customer:

I'm still not sure if I should email him. But at least I know now that it is a healthy thing to do.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sadly many people are very emotionally immature and could use feelings and words in very appealing ways when they want to get something, but it always concrete actions in time what shows the nature and worthiness of those words and feelings.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's right. I support you.

Customer:

You are absolutely rigth. I appreciate your help and input. Thank you so much

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for been this open here and for trusting me. Please feel free to contact me again, since I'm willing to support you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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