Hi! I'll be glad to help you with this issue.
I can imagine how distressing this situation must be for you. You are certainly a caring and loving person. Having hurt someone that much that long ago would have most people just vaguely remembering it--even though it was a very deep hurt inflicted on him. That is a real testament to who you are that you still feel so badly about having done that.
He has clearly moved on, though. We don't know if he feels the hurt still as actively as you do. We only know that you awakened the incident for him. It very well may have receded into the past for him and then you may have awakened it. And that might very well account for his behavior on FB, etc.
And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. It is very honorable and very beautiful of you to seek to apologize and to share why you did what you did and that you wish you hadn't done it back then. But it is not appropriate for you to write/speak about it in terms of your love for him. For two reasons: it may be too strong a connection for him now after 9 years; and he may have changed and you may not want to commit yourself to using such a connecting word between you until you know him better.
You just don't know enough about his character today and what he's like and if you, as a 23 year old with all the experiences you've had over the last 9 years, will even like who he is now after these 9 years, let alone use the word love. I am therefore concerned for you to leave that part out of your further communications.
And he may very well be shocked and overwhelmed by such expressions, just as the memories may have been shocking and overwhelming for him. It would be considerate for him to just approach him as someone from his past who wishes to catch up. Only that your catching up is more than just saying hi. You want the opportunity to let him know what happened 9 years ago.
That's fair and I would encourage you to keep making efforts. It will make you feel better and is a very nice thing to do.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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Thank you for your prompt and professional answer. I also thank you for your wonderful compliments:))I absolutely understand your response. I did not mean to awaken old feelings or maybe I did in a way I'm not sure. I've found myself really reviewing things I've done in life and all of life's many lessons and there were errors I made. I see this as an error that can be corrected because I'm still alive and so is he. I heard his brother had passed a couple of months ago and that really propelled me to just go for it but I thought about it for days.
I think after a few years of the incident I blocked it out of my head. I
forgot, I moved on, lived life and so forth. And then one day I was talking with my mother and we were discussing our first loves and I mentioned him and I began to tell her everything from top to bottom and Dr. Mark I awakened those feelings within myself. All of the memories, the feelings, the burning inside, the guilt, the look in his eyes when I said such awful things to me, I will never forget that look, everything just hit me again and I said to myself I've gotta make this right.I write poetry so I tried to bury myself and those thoughts into my writings but it only made me starve to communicate with him.You mentioned that much time has passed and I don't really know who he is now and if I would like that and vice versa. I thought about that which is why I feel like it's too late for us to be an "US" especially since I feel he hates my guts and still carries that vendetta against me. Like He might not think about it anymore but if someone were to mention my name or he'd see me he would probably get a bad taste in his mouth.Also you expressed concern regarding using the love expressing words. It's funny that you mention that because when I came to my mom, who is my best friend, and I told her that I wanted to find him and personally explain everything to him she expressed the same concern saying that might bring up old things and that I should just say sorry without going into those details. The way she put it was to simply let him know that i know there was some issues in the past and im sorry and leave it at
At that. It's just a hard pill to swallow:( :)
Thank you and your time was truly appreciated.
I apologize for the format of my last message. I am communicating with you from my mobile device and it doesn't seem too compatible with my device.
Yes his brother was a victim to gun violence and he was 25 or 26 years old.
Thank you for your kind words. I like the term "romantic" but I would consider myself...hmmm...a dreamer. That is not always good either lol.
I would like to reach out to him again I just don't want any bickering to be done. I would like to talk like adults. But I fear writing him again will come across as desperation and I don't want it to read as that so I'm just hoping and praying that maybe I will run into him somewhere as I stated we have mutual friends. I'm hoping that he will be willing at that point to at least listen to what I have to say and he won't really be able to walk away.