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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1373
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I were in relationships which i didnt plan for marriage, so

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I were in relationships which i didnt plan for marriage, so it wasnt like love at first sight or attraction that i have made a move and took things further but went in for the fun and my 1 relationship actually went deep emotionally for 2 years. I had walked away due to the fact things were becoming serious and i didnt want commitment with her long term. years went by on a guilt trip and then i had to have closure etc so i was never mind stable to commit to anybody until she got married. thereafter though i was a bit broken down i got over it and moved on. i started looking for a soul mate or basically to settle down so looking at finding a marriage partner.

I have seen about 2 or 3 girls the Old fashioned Indian way, arranged marriage home visits but the problem is you cannot make a decision based on a 20 minute conversation.

But nevertheless i have liked 2 girls from there that i could have seen my self married for firstly the 2 most important things that any guy really wants is her looks and physical attraction yet being sweet and family orientated girl with no bad reputation. Conversation went well within the 20 minutes and thereafter after a few days of thought an answer was put forward but both the girls rejected as i think it was to do with the fact that i have told them they will have to live with me and my mom and they both wanted to stay on their own basically just them (one of them who ever accepted the proposal) and mysely.

I am 33 and waited a long time in life to find the 1 ( the girl that attracts me sexually and is pretty enough to make me happy so much that i would not have to look and think about other women) as i have attained what i wanted and obviously with good character.

I still havent found that and 2 months ago i was introduced to this girl at a wedding function. I thought she was sweet but dint think she was the 1 for me for a few reasons. ( 1. her breasts seemed small, she was kind short, skinny, and a lil wheatish in complextion). ( i always wanted a tall girl, with good sized breasts, a lil on the thick side/athletic, and a bit fair in complextion). and obviously good character.

Anyways i didnt chat much with her at the wedding but took her cell no. and tried callin her a few times and she didnt take my calls, so i left, i tried an sms a few days later and she replied to say okay i could call. so i tried callin again but she dint take the call. i actually gave up. the only reason i tried coz i was under pressure with family saying that she is a sweet girl and should just get to know her and take things from there. so i decided to do that.

a month later i purchased a cellphone/smartphone and added the wats app on the phone and out of curiosity i just wanted to see what happened if i wattsapped her.

she replied and we started chatting like real buddies this was strange but actually good. we agreed on meeting for coffee.

when we met we both (although not knowing about each other's intention) dressed up casually nothing fancy she did not put any make up etc..... basically co-incidently we both wanted this meeting to be different, to see each other as we were/ and if any interest it must be for who we were.

the first impression on her looks and physical attraction was negative for me but once we started chatting she seemed like an awesome girl to be with as a good friend and good company. she seemed quite sweet and we sat in one place chatting for 4 hours and no silence as such or shortness of words and we both had a good sense of humor and were laughing alot.

i thought there that this could be it and i'm not going in for the physical and looks i told my self it will grow. she only met me coz her friend told her to give me a chance from the way i called and smsd and wattsapped etc. My friends on the other hand after seeng her at a glance for a few seconds told me she is not my type and they know what i like (looks and physical) but i told them that i liked her her conversation was good. we met again a few days later and then we chatted on whatsapp and voice call everyday for a month we actually liked each other. but i was suddenly getting cold feet as now it felt like i was committing to her as to the contents of our conversations.

my family put pressure into proposing to her as they new i liked her. but when it came to the real thing i actuall was getting cold feet and wanted to bail out as i still felt i could get much better (looks and physical as to what i always wanted) and she didnt fit that profile but as a friend i she was the best her character was 500% and very sweet.

with the pressure i did put a proposal infact it was like an engagement kind of thing to say. but i was stressed and tensed at her house upto a few days later and herself and her family went for holidays overseas for 2 weeks.

in her absence i was still lookin alot at other women still trying to call contact old flames and thinking i need to cancel this engagment and wait til i find the rite 1.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Hello. You should definitely not marry this girl. If you have questions and doubts, they will only grow as time goes on. The issue you have with looks is a little concerning. Everyone has their preferences of course as to what people look like, men more so than women care about these things, but what if the woman you were with, had some sort of accident which something happened where she lost all of her physical attributes? Would you still be with this person or would you leave them because they lost their attractiveness? What about when you grow old together? You need to think about this and determine how important looks REALLY are to you.
Back to your question about marriage, as I said, if you are having doubts, then she isn't for you. Don't do it. Don't force anything you don't feel 100% about and don't give into the pressures of your family or friends. It will be worth the wait for you to find the one you want to be with.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi it is only the looks and sexual attraction more so the sexual attraction. I understand the accident example.... My thought is 1st impression is lasting impression. As I am a caring person by nature I just think if I got what I wanted then if something had to happen to her like an accident I would actually care for her if our love we shared apart from the attractiveness was great and her being my wife that i always wanted. Please give me ur heartful reply to this.Other then the looks and sexual attraction this girl does make me happy. Please re-view and re-answer. I just need to be 100% certain of the outcome before I do anything.Ps. I have googled the meaning of platonic relationship and physical relationship, according to my understanding ours currently is platonic, she is still a virgin and I haven't yet even kissed as I wanted this to be special if the I do move forward with marriage and will only do this once we are married. When I talk to her I do get aroused.... But it's just totally tha attraction part when I see her and also think what other people will say. Regards,Mohamed
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
Ok, I was just clarifying that there should be more to it than JUST the looks, as it seems that you really do genuinely like this girl and it is the looks factor which is turning you off of her. I was just trying to get you to re-evaluate your relationship with her and determine if you are certain that she is not the one for you. Are the doubts you are having about her ONLY because of her looks? In either case, I stand by my original statement that you have to be 100% sure of the woman you want to marry. You can't think that things will probably grow. Sometimes they will, but sometimes they grow apart.
My advice to you is to either continue to see this girl and determine if she really is the one, take your time and don't rush into things. Don't let your friends or family influence your feelings or decisions, as the ultimate decision is yours in the end.
If other than looks and attraction, she makes you happy, then figure out how important looks and attraction actually are to you. Can you be happier in a relationship than you are now? What if you meet an attractive woman that does not have the personality of this current one you are seeing? If you had to choose between an attractive woman with limited personality or a woman such as the one you are seeing with a great personality but not the best looks, which would you choose?
So, you do want to be 100% sure of the one you are with. If you aren't 100% sure with this one, then continue to look or continue to see her until you decide for certain whether she is or not. Don't marry someone you aren't certain of.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much. Indeed you have given good advise. I am just concerned....... I am already engaged, ok..... She is already planning the wedding to be either in December/January. I can continue to be with her and see the outcome over a period of time, whether I can be with her or not for the rest of my life. Indeed the personality rocks, if I can just find that physical attraction I am looking for in her my doubts will be cleared. I may across negative it's my life here and really need to be 100% certain of marriage commitment. Supposedly I don't find that physical attraction I am looking for and this is giving me the jitters/ cold feet what do I do then? If I have to bail out I don't know how to do it as families and friends already know that we are engaged and obviously it will turn out ugly breaking up and a lot of people will get hurt. But this is just the worst case scenario. In the moment currently what should I tell her so that maybe we do not arrange wedding dates at this point and so we can still spend more time to decide on the outcome. Also let me know if I should make it known to her of what my intentions are.

Thanks and regards,
Mohamed
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
I think postponing the wedding is your best course of action given your circumstance. If you let her know your intentions, she will be devastated and probably never trust you again. Your intentions should be to grow your love for her so that the physical attraction comes with the love, as physical attraction is about love and feelings as well.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Ok thanks a mil. I will pass rating to conclude..... Tell me I want to keep in contact with you as my therapist...... And every now and then keep u updated.... And to advise me further..... Would this be okay and possible?

Regards,
Mohamed
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.

Absolutely, please do ! You can come back here and request me by putting my name in the title of the question and I will get to you asap. I wish you luck. Keep me posted.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 1 year ago.
No problem.
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1373
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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