How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Im seeing a woman who says she DOES NOT want a commitment,

Resolved Question:

I'm seeing a woman who says she DOES NOT want a commitment, yet her dating profile says she WANTS a serious commitment ( She is still on it) . We are intimate, and she takes me to meet her family and friends, but she hardly ever calls me at all, sometimes for days, and when I call , no answer. She went ballistic when I told her I was still talking to my ex, which was shocking, because she acts like she does not care. I have tried to break up with her so many times, but then she pleads that she does not want to quit or lose my friendship.. There are so many mixed messages here. Why is she taking me to meet her folks and friends and sleeping with me, but yet says she doesn't want a commitment and hardly talks to me at all?. It's the most confusing thing I have ever experienced. She says the attentiveness I show her is new to her, and she has never experienced that before. It's like when I push, she pulls, and when I pull, she pushes. I am 52, have been married 1x, and she is 62, married 3x. She is just emotionally distant, but won't let me go. What is going on here?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Would you like to continue exploring this situation here?

Customer:

yes please

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, no problem.

Customer:

Why would someone do this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I did not know she keeps her dating profile active at that website, and clearly states there that she wants a a serious committed relationship, whil she ia already dating you and does exactly the opposite.

Customer:

her behavior is VERY conflicting

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The first obvious issue here is lack of honesty leading to a manipulative approach. The cause of it could be many things, no way to really know, but her behaviors do show it.

Customer:

I just don't know what she wants from me. On Saturday, I began cursing at her, which is uncharacteristic of me, and I told her in very profane language that I am done with her. I thought that did the trick, but to my utter surprise, she says she does not want to quit. I just don't know what is going on here

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

They are for sure. and this is not about a teenager but a mature woman, who knows well what she's doing, how she uses dating profiles and who knows you know the inconsistencies in her behaviors, but still perpetuates the same pattern, and obviously see that you remain interested, since every time you tried to end the relationship, she was successful getting you to change your mind.

Customer:

Why do you think she could be adoing this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She is showing behaviors typical of people with personality disorders, where she manipulates and perpetuates behaviors that are obviously unhealthy and disrespectful, but is unwilling to be truly honest nor accountable for her actions.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

These behaviors are not accidental, a =n adult person does it from serious chronic personality and mental health problems, rooted on dysfunctional past experience, as old as those from her childhood, to the sexual-romantic experiences she had before.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times there is abandonment, neglect and / or abuse issues from dysfunctional families literally shaping the individual's personality and behaviors these distorted ways, and time just reinforces them if they happen to address and interpret - perceive reality with those limited mental-emotional lensses

Customer:

She was beaten up and cheated on in 2 of her marriages, and the third husband cheated on her. I think she is afraid of men, and she sees me as someone who is safe, and won't hurt her.

Customer:

the third husband stole her money I meant

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know that, and you can see how it makes sense what I just explained. Victims of abuse and neglect from childhood, use to lead themselves into abusive relationships, which deepen the distortions created before. She got several relationships, marriages and many of them were this dysfunctional, She was already an adult but chose and stayed into those destructive relationship until for some reason she finally left. There was physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse, so this person must have developed an overwhelming fear of being used and abused, neglected and manipulated over again, and tat's why she may have turned herself this manipulative and uses to disregards XXXXX XXXXX avoiding getting controlled by you, but at the same time getting deeply attached and feeling overwhelmed if you want to end the relationship.

Customer:

Are you still there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, I am here, sorry for delaying reply, I was typing.

Customer:

She wants to hold on to me, for some weird reason, and I truly think it's because she sees me as being safe

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think she may been acting out in these dysfunctional ways trying to protect herself, when ignoring the fact that she is literally shaping a very dysfunctional relationship where she becomes the perpetrator> Sure it creates the illusion that playing such role would allow her not to be victimized, but she would be fooling herself, since makes herself the core source of the dysfunctions she fears to suffer.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That makes perfect sense. the problem is that she does not admit she is the perpetrator, the abusive person now, and unless she faces that and changes her ways, she would not be able to develop any healthy relationship no matter how much she may long to. Keeping her profile at dating website like she does , and presenting herself as somebody looking for serious commitment when doing the opposite shows a very distorted and manipulative personality, adjust as all the behaviors you have described here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe this vicious circle could get deeper and deeper unless you do something about it. You would need to confront her behaviors in respectful but consistent ways, setting boundaries and making it clear that you are willing to stay in the relationship, only if she chooses to respect you and your agreement to act like responsible adults, making of it something reciprocal, really healthy and not chaotic or abusive.

Customer:

I think the way to deal with a woman like that is to just not verbally tell her that I want to end it, but to just back off and give her lots of space. Women like her are best when there is some emotional distance. She can't handle closeness, at least not now. I', just gonna back off, give her lots of distance

Customer:

Trying to figure her her is too emotionally exhausting. I'll just be her friend, but give her PLENT space

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's what she's been doing from the beginning, having you there next to her when she wants it and avoiding you other times, not allowing you to have the control, the one she may experience by acting this way.

Customer:

exactly. Well no more

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you feel fine with that, it sounds perfect and I support you, since you would not be triggering her issues - go even more, and it would work for you as long as you adjust and keep your expectations in tune with her reality.

Customer:

Thank you. You have been very helpful in getting me to see things more clearly. Thanks again

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for trusting me this much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 3 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency