Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am Rafael. Would you like to continue exploring this situation here?
Sure, no problem.
Why would someone do this?
I did not know she keeps her dating profile active at that website, and clearly states there that she wants a a serious committed relationship, whil she ia already dating you and does exactly the opposite.
her behavior is VERY conflicting
The first obvious issue here is lack of honesty leading to a manipulative approach. The cause of it could be many things, no way to really know, but her behaviors do show it.
I just don't know what she wants from me. On Saturday, I began cursing at her, which is uncharacteristic of me, and I told her in very profane language that I am done with her. I thought that did the trick, but to my utter surprise, she says she does not want to quit. I just don't know what is going on here
They are for sure. and this is not about a teenager but a mature woman, who knows well what she's doing, how she uses dating profiles and who knows you know the inconsistencies in her behaviors, but still perpetuates the same pattern, and obviously see that you remain interested, since every time you tried to end the relationship, she was successful getting you to change your mind.
Why do you think she could be adoing this?
She is showing behaviors typical of people with personality disorders, where she manipulates and perpetuates behaviors that are obviously unhealthy and disrespectful, but is unwilling to be truly honest nor accountable for her actions.
These behaviors are not accidental, a =n adult person does it from serious chronic personality and mental health problems, rooted on dysfunctional past experience, as old as those from her childhood, to the sexual-romantic experiences she had before.
Many times there is abandonment, neglect and / or abuse issues from dysfunctional families literally shaping the individual's personality and behaviors these distorted ways, and time just reinforces them if they happen to address and interpret - perceive reality with those limited mental-emotional lensses
She was beaten up and cheated on in 2 of her marriages, and the third husband cheated on her. I think she is afraid of men, and she sees me as someone who is safe, and won't hurt her.
the third husband stole her money I meant
I am sorry to know that, and you can see how it makes sense what I just explained. Victims of abuse and neglect from childhood, use to lead themselves into abusive relationships, which deepen the distortions created before. She got several relationships, marriages and many of them were this dysfunctional, She was already an adult but chose and stayed into those destructive relationship until for some reason she finally left. There was physical, emotional, mental and verbal abuse, so this person must have developed an overwhelming fear of being used and abused, neglected and manipulated over again, and tat's why she may have turned herself this manipulative and uses to disregards XXXXX XXXXX avoiding getting controlled by you, but at the same time getting deeply attached and feeling overwhelmed if you want to end the relationship.
Are you still there?
Yes, I am here, sorry for delaying reply, I was typing.
She wants to hold on to me, for some weird reason, and I truly think it's because she sees me as being safe
I think she may been acting out in these dysfunctional ways trying to protect herself, when ignoring the fact that she is literally shaping a very dysfunctional relationship where she becomes the perpetrator> Sure it creates the illusion that playing such role would allow her not to be victimized, but she would be fooling herself, since makes herself the core source of the dysfunctions she fears to suffer.
That makes perfect sense. the problem is that she does not admit she is the perpetrator, the abusive person now, and unless she faces that and changes her ways, she would not be able to develop any healthy relationship no matter how much she may long to. Keeping her profile at dating website like she does , and presenting herself as somebody looking for serious commitment when doing the opposite shows a very distorted and manipulative personality, adjust as all the behaviors you have described here.
I believe this vicious circle could get deeper and deeper unless you do something about it. You would need to confront her behaviors in respectful but consistent ways, setting boundaries and making it clear that you are willing to stay in the relationship, only if she chooses to respect you and your agreement to act like responsible adults, making of it something reciprocal, really healthy and not chaotic or abusive.
I think the way to deal with a woman like that is to just not verbally tell her that I want to end it, but to just back off and give her lots of space. Women like her are best when there is some emotional distance. She can't handle closeness, at least not now. I', just gonna back off, give her lots of distance
Trying to figure her her is too emotionally exhausting. I'll just be her friend, but give her PLENT space
That's what she's been doing from the beginning, having you there next to her when she wants it and avoiding you other times, not allowing you to have the control, the one she may experience by acting this way.
exactly. Well no more
If you feel fine with that, it sounds perfect and I support you, since you would not be triggering her issues - go even more, and it would work for you as long as you adjust and keep your expectations in tune with her reality.
Thank you. You have been very helpful in getting me to see things more clearly. Thanks again
You're very welcome. Thank you for trusting me this much.