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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5220
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Ive been married and faithful for 35 years. Ive now found

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I've been married and faithful for 35 years. I've now found out that my husband is gay or bisexual. I feel so humiliated, cheated on, and angry. I questioned him about this before and he of course totally denied it. He's had lymphoma for 10 years and has now started being mean to me. What do I do??

Dr. Mark :

Hi, I'll be glad to help you with this.

Dr. Mark :

I can imagine how frustrating and humiliating and hurtful all of this is. Do you think it's time for you to move on from the marriage?

Dr. Mark :

I see you're typing. Go ahead and keep typing, I'll wait, okay?

Customer:

Yes, but that is scary after 35 yrs. Plus he has raped me 3 times so I'm scared of him.

Customer:

Do I just up and move to another state? I have 7 grandchildren that I want to continue seeing.

Dr. Mark :

Tell me why you would need to move to another state? Most people who don't leave the geographical location just because they left a relationship.

Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

Hi! The chat closed because it looks like you went offline. So let me continue in the question/answer format and help you with this.

I can how scary this situation must be for you. You are clearly a caring, normal person. You have a family that you love and want to be able to be close to. Your husband, though, has become scary and this is a situation you recognize you can't stay in.

And this is actually the key to my answer to you that you need to consider and think about. I don't know if your husband was always a scary person or if the medications that he's taking for lymphoma have affected his personality, moods, and behavior. If the scary meanness started since he's been taking medications for lymphoma, it would be very helpful--if possible--for you to talk to his doctor(s) and to relate to them that he has become aggressive. This may be the side effect of medications at least partially. And there are medications that are available to help against aggressive behavior and moods.

But even if this is not practical to talk to his doctor, I am concerned about you feeling so powerless. One of the worst things about scary bullying people is that they want you to feel powerless. I've worked with wives who've been in that situation in therapy. And it is so important not to feel powerless.

It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your family: children and grandchildren. You need to feel like you can make a home in the same locale as your family so that you can see them.

I sometimes have to help ex wives realize that the legal system is there to help them. It really is and it really works. Bullies are afraid of police. And getting a restraining order against your husband is not at all difficult. It only takes going to the police office and filling out a form. They will give you all the instructions on how to fill it out and then you go to the court room at some point and the judge signs the restraining order.

With that restraining order, if your husband comes within a certain number of feet (often 500 or 1000) of where you are living or your car, then you call 911 and tell them. The police do enforce restraining orders.

I can imagine this sounds so unreal and harsh to you after 35 years of marriage. And please, know that I'm writing it because I'm concerned for you. You are scared in your current situation and that's not a good way to live. So, I want you to know there are legal aid organizations for women as well. You can Google "women's legal help {name of your metro area}", for example.

So, those are two things I want you to keep in mind. One is that perhaps talking with his doctors may help in reducing his aggressiveness. And second, you have not only the right to live in safety from him, but there is help available to you.

Okay, I wish you the very best!

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Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark