Hi, I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened. Is your hope that you can get this relationship back? Or is it time for you to move on and be sad?
Yes, it is very hurtful. I know that you wish you could take back what you said, but we can't in life. It feels bad to know that you wish you hadn't said them. But I also want you to know that relationship breakups like this one are not a one-way street.
You did say things that hurt him deeply. But you were also hurt deeply. And relationships to be strong must be able to withstand both sides acting out from frustration and hurt. In reality, both of you were responsible. That is not an excusing of you feeling bad about what you said, but it is a recognition that you are a good person. And that you were a good partner. But that there was too much stress on the relationship and it couldn't withstand the pressures.
So, you're right. We have to focus on moving on. There will be a need to grieve for the relationship, that's true. And I don't want you to try to skip that step. There was real love there, so there is real grief for the relationship being lost.
There really is no definite timeline to this. It's not like after one month you're supposed to be done. It's really more a question of your timeline. How long you need to feel sad about him is what you need to grant yourself. But emotionally we need to prepare you for moving on emotionally. Because even as you grieve you will soon need to switch focus from exclusively grieving (looking back at what was lost) to where you wish to head toward. And that will be to look for Mr. Right. Part of your grief will be that you thought he was Mr. Right and now you see he was someone on the way toward finding Mr. Right. So let's have this in hand for when you might need it:
Now for your life. Why do I say your life? Because you are not going to find Mr. Right by just looking for "a guy". You've got to treat finding Mr. Right as part of living YOUR life. You are clearly a woman with values. You are not looking simply for sexual gratification. You are looking for a human being who wants to share his life with you and who values who you are.
That's why we're going to focus on goals, strategies, and plans. I want you to take a sheet of paper or on the computer if you prefer and on that paper write your Healthy Relationship Goals. Examples: make 3 close friends in the next 3 months; or go on dates with interesting men at least 4 times in the next 3 months, etc. So you see they don't need to even be goals for just relationships with men, but can be social relationships. Because the more social you are, the more you build your ability to express yourself socially instead of just career wise, the more you will feel comfortable expressing yourself to Mr. Right on a date. You need to feel comfortable sharing your inner self with other people on lots of different levels: acquaintances, friends, confidantes, and dates.
Next, I need you to take another sheet or underneath the goals in the same sheet write Strategies for my Healthy Relationship Goals. For each of the Goals, I want you to write strategies. For example, if your goal is to go out 4 times in 3 months, strategies might be: I want to identify the type of interests men you'd be interested in would have. Then I want to ask yourself where would they go to fulfill those interests. For example, if an interesting man needs to be someone who is into fitness, then he would be a member of a fitness club. If he needs to like art, then he would be a member of the Art Museum and go to gallery openings. If he needs to be spiritually oriented, then he might need to be attending church or a meditation class.
Then, you need to write on a separate piece of paper or underneath each Goal and Strategy: Plans for how to succeed with your strategies. So to continue the example above, you might write: my plan is to go to the 6 most popular fitness studios and check them out to see what their membership looks like and what kind of activities are there. Or for art, I plan to join the Art Museum and to go to an art opening at a gallery at least twice per month and maybe 3 times. Or if you are interested in religion, checking out 3 congregations for active ones that have social events.
These are examples of strategies and plans. I'm trying to focus you on your life interests. What do you want to do to further your having a meaningful life? Remember, Mr. Right needs to fit into what's meaningful to you, so look for him in activities that bring out what's meaningful in your life.
Clearly, all of this is not for now. You still have to clarify what's going on with him. And we're still hopeful that he's disoriented and doesn't realize that he needs to include you in his grieving. But we don't know if this is really the case. So that is why I included the rest of the answer above.
Okay, I wish you the very best!
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