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Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question

Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hello, can anyone help me understand my girlfriend?

Resolved Question:

Hello, can anyone help me understand my girlfriend?
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.

Dr. Mark :

Hi, I'll be glad to help. Tell me a little about what's going on.

Customer:

Hello, She has been going all out with our relationship, both fallen very much in love. every now and then she leaves for a day or so

Dr. Mark :

What is bothersome about her behavior?

Customer:

she moved again a few days ago, didn't take all her things. When i talk with her she is some what cold

Dr. Mark :

Oh, I see. You were living together. When you mean she leaves, you mean not just taht she needs to be by herself and not be together but that she moves out. Is that right? Why does she do that?

Customer:

we spent last night chatting, laughing, drinking,, she even held my hand a few times and kissed me

Customer:

EVEN STARTED CALLING MY BY PET NAMES SHE HAS JUST FOR ME

Customer:

sorry about caps

Dr. Mark :

So, not only does she tend to walk out on the relationship, but she does it in unpredictable ways. Does she have unpredictable moods?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

but nothing to an extreme

Dr. Mark :

Yes, that's really rough. I'm sorry you're up against that. Is she aware that she is moody? Or does she blame you.

Customer:

she knows she is moody

Customer:

we talked the first time in 48 hours yesterday morning, she kept the meeting on the porch, could not look at me, especially when she started to tear up

Dr. Mark :

Do you think that her awareness of her moodiness is solid enough that she would be willing to get counseling help for it?

Customer:

then turn around to spend the afternoon and evening out having a great time together,,,, not sure if she would

Customer:

as more background we have discussed many long term plans, we are both around 50

Dr. Mark :

So, the key here might be that even though she's not ready most likely for you to suggest she get some counseling help, she doesn't blame you and say it's all your fault. If that's the case, that's big. Because then you can try to help her recognize she's "slipping" into a moody place. Would that work?

Customer:

it might if i get to talk to her, things went from great to don't touch me,,, her telling me she feels smothered

Customer:

also stated i say i love you to much

Dr. Mark :

I'm going to bring up something sensitive. Not to you, to her. Menopause. This type of behavior and these types of yo-yo statements (love/get away from me) are just so often occurrences in menopause.

Customer:

that is a factor

Dr. Mark :

Now, we have to wait for her to go to the other side of her moods.

Dr. Mark :

Only you know if contacting her while she's in this mood is useful or if you have to wait it out.

Customer:

that is something i am not sure of

Dr. Mark :

But when she does yo-yo back, don't bring up menopause. It almost always gets a woman angry

Customer:

do not want her to feel smothered or seem "needy"

Customer:

i would never say anything about that to her

Dr. Mark :

Instead, bring up how wonderful she is and that you recognize that she is going through a lot of moods right now. And that you'd like her to let you help her feel better before she feels so bad.

Dr. Mark :

The goal is for you two to strategize some early warning cues you can use. Now this is only when she's in a really good mood do you go to Starbucks and do this kind of strategizing. In other words, you want to talk about how she can deal with STARTING to feel upset, irritable, and moody.

Customer:

do i just wait for her to come to me,,,, she acts like she doesn't want to be bothered but yesterday at the club, she was there before me, i waited 20 minutes or so to go say hi, she was getting up to come see me

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

You approach it slowly but you show you want her to come back. Meaning, you don't overpower her with how much you want her back, but when you see she is making a sign, you smile and do something welcoming without being judgmental. Now, back to the strategy:

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

After a little while, I'd like you to "accidentally" read an article online about menopause. Maybe because you were looking for things for people your age to do, or something similar.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

Then ask her about it. Ask her what hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is all about. Ask her about bioidentical hormones (women who are hesitant about HRT often are much more comfortable with these).

Dr. Mark :

So you want the article to mention HRT. Let her be the one who is the "expert" and you're asking her. Ask her if her gynecologist has talked to her about them? The article should talk about moodiness, at least mention it so that you can bring it up.

Customer:

ok

Dr. Mark :

So, that is the long term idea, to get her to examine if she's having normal menopause mood swings. Really, it's normal for women to have them. And today, gynecologists can help so much with HRT. It's a shame if she doesn't take advantage of it.

Dr. Mark :

Short term, you need to ride out her confused, down moods. You are inviting but not pushy. Because that will just flame it up. It sounds like she's coming out already of this one slowly.

Customer:

so did i make a mistake giving the keys to my place back to her this morning

Customer:

shee left them on the porch thursday

Dr. Mark :

No, not at all. That was a good inviting move!

Customer:

asked her to do me a favor and hold on to them for the day and think about it

Dr. Mark :

You clearly love her. And this is a rough time in her life. I think you're doing it the right away: slowly and with positive gestures

Customer:

very much so love her4

Customer:

just do not want to do the wrong thing

Dr. Mark :

Good. You can't get her to counseling and/or to look at HRT. But you can get her perhaps to let you help her not get so down and depressed and need to leave.

Customer:

i need to get her to talk to me and not be so distant without upsetting her

Dr. Mark :

If you can get her to take some steps after she comes out of this bout of depressive mood, like you helping her to just take some time for herself, to maybe exercise, or go for a walk, or whatever, when the depressive mood begins, before it gets too strong,

Dr. Mark :

then that will help her to see that she can change this moodiness. And then that may get her to look at HRT and/or counseling. Do you think this will be a workable strategy for you?

Customer:

she does walk and exercise, i even tell her not to worry about the housework and go to the beach for the day,,,,,,,, does seem workable

Dr. Mark :

Good for you. And ask her if you would go to the beach with her and just listen if that would feel better or if she needs some "alone" time. And keep telling her that you love her and you aren't put off by her needs.

Customer:

said she didn't want me to tell her i love her

Dr. Mark :

Yes, I was wondering if that would be too overpowering. That's because it's an emotional affirmation and she's just unable to deal with emotions when she's in that mood. So, then just stop short of telling her how you feel.

Dr. Mark :

Okay, so where we've gotten to is that you're doing the only thing you can do in this situation: you're inviting her back, you're being positive, you're not being demanding, you're letting her lead.That's the best you can do.

Dr. Mark :

And when she gets over that mood, you have a strategy now, okay?

Customer:

yes

Customer:

really wish it was easier,, the communication part

Dr. Mark :

Good for you. You're clearly a loving and caring man. And I wish you the very best in this. I wish it was easier, but it takes two to communicate. So when she's ready to communicate, you are. And that's important. You're doing your part.

Customer:

ok, thanks! i will do my best to follow your advice

Customer:

just miss her very much

Dr. Mark :

I am truly impressed with your love for her. I wish you the very best!

Customer:

thank you

Dr. Mark :

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer:

you have a great day

Dr. Mark :

And you as well.

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5099
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 10 months ago.
Hi! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this. I appreciate your positive rating and thank you so much for the bonus as well. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark

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