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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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my exboyfriend and I have been chatting again and in my heart

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my exboyfriend and I have been chatting again and in my heart I really want him back full time in my life, we were getting close and are planning to see each other in 2 months time after me being away for 6 months, but last night after a long illness of Cancer his Mothger passed away and I have no idea what to do or say and even more I am scared that he will bury himself in his grief and we will be no longer. Please advice
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know abut this challenging situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the best approach in a situation like this is to show empathy, compassion, understanding and emotional support like any good and mature friend or partner-girlfriend would do when facing a similar scenario.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Grief is unavoidable specially when it is about a parent, and this is when people need extra understanding and support, what would not necessarily mean it's something going against your plans and relationship; it could be the opposite, it could be an ideal chance for you to show in assertive ways how well and much you care about him, respect his feelings, his pain and boundaries, and are willing to be there for him as much as he feels comfortable with. you would not push him, nor withdraw, but be assertive, patient, flexible and specially supportive while respecting his boundaries. Everything else depends on him, not on you, thus worrying about that would not help but could only undermine your mental health and your communication, as well as the chances for a refreshed relationship.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You know him from the past, from what you shared together. You know about his personality, his fears and vulnerabilities, his wounds and preferences, strengths and sensitivity. Us such knowledge and experience now to be understanding, empathic and supportive. That would be the best way to help him and to promote your chances for a reconciliation, for a new chance romantically.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Good Morning. Yes it does thank-you. It has been avery intense relationship from word go because he has been through so much, divorce, parents divorce, ex wife constantly at him, he leaving his kids behind in the UK with his ex wife and now this, all he wants to do is try have a normal life and a good one, after 9 years I am trying to show that I can be the one, but I am also facing challenges from friends and family to tell me to step away from this man, but my heart and spiritual belief keeps me holding on. I just want to make sure he does not forget all that we shared over the past few months. Thank-you again!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see from your words how much you care about him and a new chance for you. You are already doing your best. If he happens to feel the same, chooses to work on it , deserves you and has what it takes to build a healthy and fulfilling reality together, then both of you'd make it happen. Please focus on what you can and should control, nothing else, that way you'd betaking good care of yourself while allowing him to do the same, while being supportive as much as he allows you too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His life seems to have been out of control and with a lot of pain and instability, then if you play a healthy role, bringing consistent and reliable support, affection, patience and understanding, that would be the best for him and very appealing to him too. I think that's the best anybody in your shoes could do about it. Always be open to get feedback and support from people close to you who truly care about your happiness and well-being, that way you would be more aware of reality, it's challenges, and of what you are truly willing to afford.

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Thank-you Rafael will take your advice and hopefully we can catch up another time to review the sitaution in this case I need to talk to somebody outside of the situation and also keep following my heart, I know he can change and that I can support hime and give him what he needs, but also be careful in the process, I have kept a light shining for him for 9 years now and it is only now that we really getting to spend time together and yes he has got a lot on his plate, but I am not one to just walk away we all have issues, just got to find peace with this, know what to say and leave it to work its way out. Just one more thing, guess I should not say or do anything for the next week or so because he probably has got so much to deal with or shoyuld I just send a small note??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see anything wrong about you showing you care about his loss and pain right now, through a brief empathic message. I would say it would be good and necessary or expected from somebody in your position, even more after reconnecting and sharing this much, to show you care, instead of just avoiding or dismissing the situation out of fear. Painful situations happen and will continue to happen in every relationship, and need to be addressed, acknowledged with assertiveness, with compassion.

I am here to support you, and will be happy to follow up for sure.

Customer:

Thank-you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Take gentle care.

Customer:

Hi Rafael. I am trying to take in everything you have adviced me but finding it so hard getting through the day. I sent a sympathy message via FB to him today and left a voice mail to say I am sorry, he has seen the FB but know it has only been 24 hours so need to try find the strenth to think about me and try focus on my health. The past few months we really were working (well maybe it was one sided now) towards connecting again but I feel so helpless now and afraid he is going to withdraw completly, everytbody is telling me to let go, BUT JUST CAN"T, NOT NOW!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi. I am sorry to see how tough it's been for you. You have already done your best in this situation, now it's up to him.

Customer:

How do I move from here forward without letting go? I got so much on my own plate as it is and just want to believe that we can be together in time to come, once he sees me as the positive persin he needs in his life

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times people end pushing away those they love, that's why it's better to focus on what you can control. Nobody know what's going to happen about it, but you can do your best by not pushing him, nor yourself even more. Do not stop your life while you hope for this expectation to become reality, that way, regardless of what could happen you would continue taking good care of yourself.

Customer:

His Mother once told me that she was so happy that I was in his life and how happy I made him, I always told her I would never give up. But it is time to really be strong and hand this situation over, she will be there in spirit because she knows what is best for him and knows my heart. Tonight I will sit and write her a letter and say a prayer that in time we will be there for each other, he is all I know after 9 years and I don't give up I am a fighter. Thank-you for your time!!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support you, and feel that writing her a letter is a wonderful plan, it's something I use to suggest my clients when grieving, it surely helps when you allow yourself to vent, to share not only an an emotional, but also at a spiritual level your experience. Its very empowering for sure. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach