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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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We are two couples who have been away on holiday many times

Resolved Question:

We are two couples who have been away on holiday many times over the last few years with a third couple who have now broken up. We disliked intensely the male partner of this third couple. Last year we went away just the four of us and had the best holiday ever. Now we have booked the same holiday home on a wonderful Bahamas island, and our female friend wants to come with us, she is very self absorbed, and we would rather go away without her,but the three girls have been best friends for years, don't want to hurt her,but don't know how to tell her that this is at rip we want to take without her.
Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 10 months ago.
Hi,

I understand your frustrations and how you feel about this? May I ask you how do the others that are going feel about her and have you discussed with him your feelings at all?
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
We all feel the same way, our experience last year with just the four of us was so amazing, very relaxed and comfortable. Which it has not been before when the third couple came with us. The three girls are the best of friends, but the dynamic changed when she brought her partner, who was sixteen years younger and a leach into the mix,non of us could stand him and only put up with him because we love her so much. She has now become extremely self absorbed and we are just not as comfortable with her when our husbands are included in the mix. Our husbands have stressful jobs and this holiday is a much needed rest for them, so we feel more comfortable with just the four of us, but my girlfriend and I are riddled with guilt with the idea of hurting her, and damaging our friendship.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 10 months ago.
I completely understand your frustrations and it is very difficult when people change. Sometimes it is not that we do not love the person anymore, but it is best for our own health to remove ourselves from the one causing us stress. Your options pretty much at this point is to either go on the holiday with her and try to ignore the negativity. Have a good time while focusing on the positive without letting her negativity get to you. Rather going with a mindset of all the things she does that you all do not like try thinking of the good she has done in the past. Treat her positive and enjoy the trip in general without letting her ruin it. This route has pros and cons that come along with it. However, another option you have, which I think in the long run would be best for everyone. I believe you should sit down with your friend in private. It can be you or whomever is closest to her. It can even be all of you without your husbands and just let her know how much you like and care about her. Let her know you are going to tell her something that may hurt her, but you are doing it for her best interest and to save the relationships. Explain in the sweetest way possible how you feel she has changed and the pain it causes everyone while at the same time reminding her your care. When we love someone sometimes it is our job to talk about the bad and the good. Of course no one likes to hear it, but it is actually to help the person. The person on the receiving end may accept it as good critical advice in order to look within and see how she has changed and possibly have a " wake up call". She may also get defensive and angry. I just feel if you have this talk with her then you would have done your part. It is then up to her to either accept, realize and try to change or be angry. Whichever she chooses would be best for everyone. If she gets angry at first there will be a chance of her eventually realizing what she is loosing and come back. In the meantime you all will be able to enjoy yourselves and not need to put up with the stress she provides. If she does end up accepting then she may change and you all can have your friendship with her back. This will help her as a person and your relationship with her in the future. This is why I believe talking with her is best since you will be doing your part as a friend, being fair and true to yourself, and possibly saving your relationship and if it ends up not being saved then that means you probably did not lose much and ended up saving a lot of stress for you, your husband, and other friends anyway.

I hope this has helped and if I can be of further help please let me know. I wish you all the best!
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1124
Experience: I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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