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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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So this girl that I havent seen in five years texted me last

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So this girl that I haven't seen in five years texted me last night out of the blue. I've always thought about her, and tried looking for her facebook to reconnect, but she had figuratively fallen off the world. I had always kept her old number in my phone, but never dared trying to text her again. I had a huge crush on her in high school, and I always hung out with her and made it clear my infatuation with her (I sang her a love song to ask her to prom, etc.) but I was clearly in the friend zone (even though she gave me a quick kiss once in a moment of...I don't know what.)

But yes, out of the blue yesterday, she messages me.

Her 9:19PM: Ello
Her 9:20PM: How r u

I was at work and I didn't see the message until 30 minutes later. I was blown away! Two weeks before, I was in deep thought wondering how she was doing, googled her name, saw her Linked In profile and found out she had been working at a pharmaceutical company nearby. But at risk of being a creeper, I didn't try talking to her. But now, two weeks later, she contacted me right out of nowhere! Very weird.

Me 10:31pm: Hey (her name), long time. How are you?

No response from her for the remainder of the night. I figured she was sleeping (but I kept checking my phone constantly, lol!) Next morning, I was right, she messages me early (probably when she woke up or had gotten to work)

Her 7:03AM: I'm good how are you
Her 7:03AM: Yeah it's been forever
Her 7:03AM: Something like 5 years or so?

Luckily, I had errands that I had to do during the day, and I forced myself to not text back immediately at risk of seeming desperate. It would be super weird of me to just jump on every single message she sent. I have to play this cool hand.

Me 12:30PM: Yeah id say so, last time I saw you we went to Polar Club for ice cream. Ive been good! Living in Morristown, working at (Hospital) in the ER. Yourself?

A few minutes later I was kicking myself for bringing up the last time I saw her. 'That's weird Ben, shes going to think you're weird for remembering that!' Oh well. Damage done.

Her 2:22PM: Wow that's amazing!!!! I'm so proud of you

Ugh, I wish she'd give me some details about what her life is up to at this point. I don't want to keep asking her 'what are you doing with your life' since I had already asked, and I don't want the conversation to become dull and boring. I was thinking about being a little playful, saying something like "Proud? I could be a bedpan cleaner for all you know ;)" or even just not responding to her at all today. She was the one to initiate conversation, I could play a little hard to get. I know what you're probably going to say "Just be natural and message her as much as you want" but I had a failed experience last year with a girl I was smitten with. Initially I played it cool, and then when we went on a date I started being a little too clingy with my messages, and drove her away to another guy.

So I guess my question is, what should my next move be? Any ideas on how to frame the conversation? It's been about 3 hours since she last messaged me, she's probably getting off work now, it would be an alright time to respond. I really want to take her out for drinks tonight, but I feel as though that opportunity to ask hasn't presented herself. We're only a few lines of dialogue into talking after five years! So maybe I should play it cool for a week or something (but I don't want to waiiiittt but I probably should oh god i'm a mess) Plz help.
Hello. Regardless of her intentions, or your intentions, you should assume you are still in the friend zone until it is very clear you are something more. I think you are doing a great job right now at the conversation and you need to trust yourself with continuing to do so. I would wait a bit before asking her out on any kind of social occasion. I would also consider something a little less "date" such as maybe picking up lunch instead of drinks. Honestly, I think you need to keep going as you have been, you are doing a good job so far with keeping it cool with her. I might consider asking her what prompted her to contact you after such a long period of time to see what she says. Do this at a moment you feel comfortable with.
As far as being playful in the conversation, if your previous relationship was based on that kind of humor and lightness, then by all means, be yourself in that regard.
Keep the dialog going with her. Maybe not every second, but as I said, you are doing a great job at it so far just keep going as you are, as painful as it may seem to wait and not jump all over this, patience may pay off.
I think waiting a few days and then asking her to go to lunch or something so you can have an actual conversation rather than through text messages is completely appropriate. What have you got to lose?
Customer: replied 3 years ago.

I'm just unsure of what to say next. I've asked her what she's been doing with her life and she didn't respond to that question. I don't want to end up as 'boring questions guy', I want to get a little edgy and fun. What should be my goal tonight? Or, should I wait a few days?

See, to me, she initiated the conversation out of nowhere. This is bewildering. One would have to assume that something has happened in her life to have her think about someone she used to spend a lot of time with, but hasn't in so long.


A) She just got done with a nasty breakup and is thinking back to the guys that treated her like a 'princess'.




B) Something in her life reminded her of me


I get what you are saying about finding out why, all of a sudden, she just messages me out of nowhere. My intention of asking her what she's been up to would of potentially given me a better grasp on what's going on.


If you were to message someone you haven't seen or spoken to in 5 years, it could be as a result of a lot of things. She could have been reminded of me, or she could want something. How can I deduce this without further info, you know?


But the problem is, if I keep throwing questions her way, she's going to be turned off. So i'm in a predicament. I have a few options, as I see it.


A) Ask her again what she's doing in her life


B) Ignore her until I get a second text from her (RISKY)


C) Straight up ask her to meet up and catch up (not neccessarily say "Let's meet up and catch up" but "I'm free tonight if you want to grab a few drinks, I can pick you up".


'B' sounds like the best course of action, but it's super risky. 'A' makes me sound annoying. 'C' goes against your recommendation totally. Waiting is a good option, but I also don't want to play games. I want to be clear: "I think it would be best if we talk in person".


Relationships are hard.

Well, if she is on her way to work, I would say tonight might not be a priority, but you could say something like, "would you like to get together and talk in person sometime?" and just leave it at that. See her response.
As far as her motivation for contacting you, it could be a number of things, and trying to figure it out, while of course, human nature, is impossible to know for sure. Your mind will play all kinds of tricks on you and take up into all kinds of circles.
I would go ahead and ask her about getting together to talk in person. Not a date, nothing implied, just a "hey why are we just talking in text messages when we can talk face to face" kind of thing.
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