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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I have instituted a no contact sabbatical with both women.

Resolved Question:

I have instituted a no contact sabbatical with both women. Woman B (most recent relationship) is extremely distraught. She had built her life around me, and now feels exiled. She has very few of her own friends and has cultivated my friends as hers. Likewise, she has adapted my lifestyle, and is angry that I will have a social life during this sabbatical, while she has nothing. Likewise I am very unhappy with myself for causing her such pain. She has done nothing to deserve this. In fact she should be rewarded by me for being so loving to me. Instead I have caste her into limbo for an undisclosed time. I am experiencing grief (death of a relationship) very similar to when my wife died. I am feeling this, while knowing regardless of my decision between these two women, I will have a fabulous partner in either of them. Woman B has no one on the back burner and I feel terrible for her. I realize it is not my role to be her social and emotional director, but am trying to survive this emotional time so I can make a rational decision between the two. As with my wife's grief, I know this will pass, but want to be somewhat productive during this time about identifying my values, beliefs, personality, needs and expectations that match best. Can you suggest any exercises that I can do to help me identify these traits during this grieving time. I think if I can get productive I will feel better about the course I am on and will be better equipped to resist returning to soon to Woman B just to consul her.
Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 12 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see you have done what you planned about these two women.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I can see how tough it seems to be for woman B and for you to do this, but you have chosen this option and decided to afford the consequences, and that's what is important here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The ideal option for you would be, as I previously suggested, to consider individual counseling to work on yourself, at all these areas you clearly listed in your message, in order to make real and significant improvements, that could allow you to be and feel better about yourself, and play a healthy and positive role in the lives of those women who share part of their lives with you.

Customer:

Can say I hate these consequences, and would do almost anything to diminish her pain and consequently mine. However, I do know if I just run back to her without working through this I will either be right back where I was before (undecided) or ultimately resentfully (of not having the opportunity to move forward with Woman A). Want to get moving on identifying important values for me. Any direction on this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I suggest you to set a time every day for journaling. You would set a time when you do not have any concerns, distractions or responsibilities to take care of, where you could feel relaxed and focused, and you would reflect on your feelings and experiences, and write about them, like self-talking but writing your inner dialogue down in the paper or typing it in the computer.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You coudl do from venting process where you woudl just express your feeligns and emotions, positive and unhealthy, to explore what you truly value the most, your core values, beliefs, etc.

Customer:

Have thought of that (counseling). Guess it is time to look into that. Hoping to avoid a long drawn out time. At age 62, want to get on living life. Spent 12-15 years caring for an mentally il wife, and am ready to enjoy company of healthy women. Woman B also cared for her cancer laden husband for years. he died 2 years ago. She wants to get going also at age 58.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You could also work on developing list of priorities, another of goals to achieve around your self-development; core boundaries to set around women and relationships, based on what you learned from experience; explore how much neediness and sense of emptiness and non fulfillment push you to get into relationships without playing a healthy role, and more.

Customer:

The journalism might be a good direction. Just to organize my emotions. Seem to be repeating thought in a circle. Thought seem to just be random in my mind.. Writing them will help organize.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Regardless of time, as long as people do not work on themselves at the individual level, it would be unrealistic to expect and hard to experience really healthy and fulfilling relationships with others. One is a requirement of the other.

Customer:

By "working on themselve", are we trying to teach an "old dog new trips"? Or can we just find someone compatible with us as is?

Customer:

New tricks, not trips.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Your mind could easily fool you, perpetuating patterns, defenses, denial and avoidance, as well as many other defenses and pattern we create year after year, fortifying our ego, and that's why getting something concrete to actually see and monitor what we do, think and feel, could be very powerful and effective, from making obvious dysfunctional patterns and tendencies, to addressing issues and planning ways of action to make changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Compatibility is key, but if you only look for a partner fully compatible with you, including your ego deficiencies and distortions, then you would be getting a codependent partner to enable and empower what is already unhealthy in yourself. This is why I do never suggest people to refuse to consider change, their needs for improvement, for polishing from worldviews to attitudes and values, since from there they would actually be able to make concrete lief improvements. Obviously this is not the easy but the hard way, and that's why it si worthy and truly healthy and productive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember my offer for confidential counseling through https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Customer:

Journaling my thought, emotions and values would be a way of organizing them. Not sure i am capable of identifying my own ego deficiencies and distortions. Doesn't our egos defend us from doing just that?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

From there I could better support you without the limitations JustAnswers presents.

Customer:

OK, I see the address now, Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX it some real consideration. Till then, I'l journal. Thanks.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You bet they do, and that's why we cannot be very objective about our own issues and experiences, and that's why counseling and psychotherapy appear as ideal sources of support to work on that.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. You're very welcome. Take gentle care and consistent action. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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