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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi there, My story is pretty serious... I am not gonna make

Resolved Question:

Hi there,

My story is pretty serious... I am not gonna make it too long. I really want your opinion.

I met him 6 months ago, fell head over heals. Both of us. Two weeks into the relationship he asked me to go on a 10 day trip to Thailand. After that I moved in with him. It was amazing.

When we met I was in a bad stage in life, no job, no flat, did not speak to my best friends etc. So, in a way he saved me. He gave me a roof over my head, got me job (a great one I love), helped me reconcile with my best friends and spoiled me with holidays, dinners and presents.

I was in heaven, he was the best man I met. I am Mediterranean, I say what I think, I get impulsive, I cool off. What would be a discussion, finding a solution would be for him a fight he needs three days to get over. He would tell me how it hurt him...

Last week we broke up in the most traumatic way. On Wednesday night I came home, he was not home, we did not speak much during the day. I call him, he does not respond but sends me a message immediately saying: "hi baby, how are you? missed your call. give me a kiss". I start freaking out because he did not pick or call back. All turns into a huge mess of shouting, not picking up the phone, me hanging up. Me locking the door, sending him a picture of it and telling him not to come home. By 200% this was the worst fight we had...

He stayed at a hotel, I told him not to at the end and that he is risking us but he did not listen.

The next morning he rushed into the flat, put £500 into an envelope, put it in my luggage and told me he is kicking me out and I have until 12pm to leave his flat. That he has done everything for me and I am a selfish bitch. That he has no feelings for me and wants me out of his life.

He leaves and I am crashed and can't move from the floor. The next day we were supposed to go to Spain for the weekend. The day before he woke up saying he can't wait to spend the weekend with me at the beach and a day later he never wants to see me again.

It does not stop there. I took 65 painkillers and told him that. He came home with the police, calling an ambulance. He cried so much that he could not breath, speak, he was shaking. I could not look him in the eyes and he did not come to the hospital. He said he couldn't, his best friend from high school killed himself.

I was fine. My friends were there. The next day I packed my things, left my keys on the table with a letter apologizing. A day later he texted me saying he does not want to speak for a couple of weeks until all is settled and needs time and space for himself. If he needed 3 days to recover after a little fight, how long was this one gonna be?!

Two days later I could not resist and told him how I miss him and how I don't understand. He basically said it was all my fault, he made his decision even it is hard, it is his choice.

Another two days later I asked him if he wants to say a proper goodbye. He said yes, but not now, in a couple of weeks. I am not even sure he means it.

He always told me he wants me to be independent. Now, I am getting my own flat and my job is going well and keeping me busy. I want to see if we have another chance but he would not speak to me.... I wish I could turn back time but I can't.

I need your advice.

Thank you.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this overwhelmingly painful and sad situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This story was a real blessing for you happening when you needed it the most, no doubt, but what happened after living together for a few months led to this very sad end. You were very insightful when making it clear how aware you are about your ways of expressing your emotions and opinions, and how this was at the core of your crisis, because of how different he happens to be, feel and cope with emotions and feelings.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do not see any of you willingly pushing this sad ending at all, but the significant differences in your ways of communicating, showing emotions and coping with stressors, at the very core of this crisis.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now you have a good job you enjoy, and have been able to reconnect with your close friends, which is excellent, since they are core part of your support system, so necessary in tough times like this. The best approach you could take is not to push him at all, but to respect his boundaries and need for cooling down, and with a clearer mind reassess what happened, his feeling and what he is willing to share and afford from now on. What happened was not an accident but the result of so different approaches to around different things, which obviously triggered these reactions in both of you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be patient and focus on taking good care of yourself with the adequate support, while hoping for him to do the same. there is no way to know if eh would feel ready and willing to give yourselves another chance or not, and that's something you cannot control, but you can control how well you take care of yourself, and how well you promote a healthier and more harmonious communication with him, specially now that you are not together. Does it make sense?

Customer:

How do you think he feels? When can I contact him? What can I say? I wanted to contact him when I move in to my new flat as he wanted me to be independent.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best time for you to contact him is when he thinks it'd be a good time for him to be ready to communicate with you and not before. As long as you respect his boundaries, there should not be new issues created nor old ones worsened. I think he felt very frustrated and unset because of feeling you were not respecting his rules and boundaries while together, thus if you want to promote a healthy communication in the near future, please start by fully respecting his boundaries. If he told you it would be fine for you to contact him after 15 days for example, then do not contact him before that period of time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think the best approach is always to hold full accountability for your own feelings, words, choices, actions and reactions as an adult, in that way the other person would not feel the need to become defensive or offensive, since he would feel respected, understood and supported too just by you being that assertive and proactive.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If he does the same, then you would be able to communicate and work on things, otherwise it would not work.

Customer:

I asked him if we could meet for a proper goodbye meeting. Of course, I did not mean it. He answered "Yes, not now. In a couple of weeks"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

then he is telling you when he would be willing to meet you. On the other hand you did not mean what you said, then you need to be very careful, since if you expect to have even a chance to have a healthy friendship with him, it would be necessary for you to always mean what you say, in that way he would trust you and respect what you say.

Customer:

I was scared to say again I want another chance because last time he texted me saying that it was my fault, I have to live with it and he has made his decision and even if it is hard, he does not regret it

Customer:

How do I know if he still has feelings for me and how do I ask him for another chance? Will I contact him in two weeks time again?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then it seems obvious to me that there is no better approach but to come to terms with that painful reality, focus on continue taking good care of yourself, respecting his boundaries and hoping that he could give yourselves a new chance once he feels less reactive about what happened and see your improvements.

Customer:

I cannot believe he would stop loving me or would prefer being without me. The truth that I hurt him so much haunts me and all I want is to see him and apologize

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do believe you, that you truly care and want to heal things, then please start by respecting his boundaries, not pushing him at all and focusing on making improvements in yourself and life, that way you would get the best chances for him to believe you truly care, feel sorry about what happened and are willing to continue doing your best.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

We all make mistakes, and we get wiser if we learn from them and work on real changes for better, then please be gentle, patient, understanding and supportive with yourself, specially when facing painful times, and you would find yourself healing and growing, creating and promoting more fulfillment and stability in your life.

Customer:

he does not want to see or hear from me. i am not sure how to take that...

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I thought you said he was fine with you contacting him two weeks from them just to have a healthy ending, wasn't him?

Customer:

yes, that is what he said. he said couple of weeks. but who knows how he might feel in two weeks and maybe he said it to show me i should stop hoping

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then after two weeks time, you could send him a brief message asking him if it is fine for you to meet or if he still needs more time or has changed his mind about it. Then depending on his response you would respond in consistency with his boundaries.

Customer:

i hurt him very badly and it is just a natural reaction not wanting to speak to me

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that's why not pushing him is the first thing to consider here, then everything you may do, as long as you respect his boundaries it would be fine. He needs time to heal too, and then he could better assess what happened and choose what he wants to do about it, but he will continue to be the only one with the power to set that, and that'w why it would be unhealthy for you to hurt yourself even more about what happened, much better to focus on what you can do now to take good care of your present and the future you are shaping right now.

Customer:

can i email him a sorry email at least?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. I would suggest you to wait a little more, respecting the no communication boundary he set,and then send the message and ask him to confirm if it was fine with him for you to meet as he said after such period of time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Be brief, direct, proactive, take responsibility for your feelings and actions and show you care and respect his boundaries and decisions. Then your consistent actions would show him how honest and consistent you are about it.

Customer:

ok, so he said to me two days ago, he can see me in a couple of weeks. so, i can send him a sorry email within the two weeks? BUT contact him to meet after that time period has passed?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so. In your message you would tell him you would be contacting him after the two week period as agreed to see if you could talk. Brief and clear. then just wait and be consistent with everything you say and want to work on.

Customer:

emailing him now would not be unrespectful?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do suggest you to wait at least a week or 10 days to do that not before.; or to send one message apologizing and confirming his willingness to meet you after the two weeks period he set.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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