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llw26
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 55
Experience:  LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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PLEASE DO NOT CLOSE I would like a second opinion

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There's a girl who I first got to know in a course from my college, then we met frequently at work seminars because I worked in a department that collaborates with hers. Eventually we became friends but, to be honest, I ended up having a huge crush on her. Just to put in you into context, I've never had a girlfriend and I had never had so strong feelings like these, there is no comparison with my past crushes. However, the fact that she was in a 4-year relationship always kept me tied up, so I had to learn to cope with the frustration of not being able to do anything about these feelings for her, even though, I think that if I'd had a chance with her then I would have put my shyness aside and, for the first time, would take the lead. Bad news was that those feelings didn't stop growing. She was out of the country for 4-months due to an internship. Although I believed that with this I would be able to clear my heart and mind, from time to time I still tried to keep in touch with her by e-mail because, obviously, I missed her (never mentioned to her the latter phrase). When she came back, I realized that I was wrong, I was feeling exactly the same about her. We met again just to catch up but, to my surprise, one of the first things she told me was that she had returned for just a few weeks and then she would leave the country to study abroad for at least 3 years. One thing I could notice was that, as a side-effect of her new plans, she broke out with her boyfriend. During the time before she left, we met a few more times and I entered into a dilemma: was it sensible to play straight and tell her about my feelings? or should I just stay silent and close this chapter?. In the end I could't tell my feelings for her in person but I wrote a deep and long letter and sent it, along with some gifts, to her new home. In that letter I told her how wonderful was getting to know her, mentioned all the great things she left in my life and how grateful I felt in earning her trust (needless to say all that is true, don't forget she is my friend), but I also expressed, among other things, my real feelings for her, how much I liked her, why I never said or did anything about it, and how much I needed to at least tell her all that so as to release myself and stop suffering. A little more than 3 weeks past between the last time I met her and the time when she received my shipment (she's on the other side of the world). In the meantime I sent some e-mails to her, just as usual, to know how things were going as well as to tell her that I would sent "something" to her. I know that the letter is now in her hands because she had told me that she was notified about the shipment and then told me that she would pick it up on the next day, I have a delivery receipt. It's been almost four days since she picked it up and she hasn't written to me yet (I don't blame her) but now I don't know what to do and if I should write her... at first I thought this need of expressing all my feelings would take me to releasing myself and, as usual, to showing her how much I trust her... but now I'm feeling a twinge of remorse because I wonder if I'll have released a "bomb" on her by opening my heart in such a deep way. What should I be prepared for? How much should I wait before writing to her without seeming to pushy? I'm kind of nervous about her reaction.

Submitted: 12 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  llw26 replied 12 months ago.

llw26 :

Hello! I hope I can assist you -- it sounds like you have a lot of strong feelings for this woman and they were difficult to discuss with her face to face. I think that sending her a letter explaining everything is perfectly fine. You said it's been about 4 days since she received the letter and gifts, I would give her a week (so 3 more days) to process what you've said and take it all in. At which point in time I think it would be completely appropriate for you to send her an email just stating you know she received the package and you just wanted to figure out where she was at. Was there something you were hoping would become of telling her your feelings? Or had it been so long that you just wanted to get in out in the open?

Customer:

I wasn't really expecting something to happen by telling my feelings for her. The fact that maybe I would never see her again and the anxiety of always having in my mind the thought "what if I had told her...?" took me to get in out in the open. I feel relieved getting out all this to her, even I think it will help me to avoid becoming obsessed about this... but, as I said previously, now I feel kind of worried by her and her reaction. This is the first time I do this kind of stuff, so I didn't know what to expect and how much to wait before writing to her again.

llw26 :

What do you mean you feel worried by her and her reaction? Are you afraid that this may have damaged your relationship with her in some way? I think that waiting a week or so before contacting her again is appropriate (so I would contact her in the next couple of days since it's already been at least 5 days).

Customer:

That's exactly what I worry about. Anyhow, I will wait until the whole week has past.

llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 55
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
llw26 and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  llw26 replied 11 months ago.
How is it going? Were you able to contact her?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Thank you for asking.


In the end she contacted me first almost 5 days after she received my letter, so I didn't even have to write to her.


She had been busy and by the complex answer she gave to my letter I guess she required several days to think about it and finally write something.


In short, she was fascinated by the gifts that I sent to her and the emotional meaning of them, besides, my letter moved her to tears... however, she was honest with me and told me that although she is sure that I would be a perfect boyfriend, she doesn't see me in that way, in other words, what heart and mind want don't always match. Even so, she still wants to stay friends.


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 11 months ago.
You're very welcome!

I am glad to hear she contacted you and explained what was going on with her. I am sure it took her by surprise and she wanted to figure out the best way to discuss the situation with you.

How do you feel about what she said?
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

I'm still confused... sometimes I can understand her point.... but to next moment I just cannot... my thoughts are oscillating all day long.


I mean, if she's sure I could be the perfect boyfriend, then what's wrong with me that she can't see me as such? Maybe, there's something more deep inside and she may have thought a delicate way to simply stating that she's not into me. Anyway, she and her personality had inspired to bring out the best in me and even do things I hadn't thought I would do, and as friends we have trusted each other personal stuff... so, it's a fact that I must get rid off my romantic feelings for her (she's about to start a new life abroad), but I don't know how to leave intact those feelings as a friend.


She told me that although she wants stay friends, she doesn't want to hurt me, so she asked me to propose how would I like to handle things between us from now on... few days ago I told her I wanted to keep being her friend, but for now I needed time to digest all this.

Expert:  llw26 replied 11 months ago.
It is always hard to hear someone we think would be a perfect match for us, to tell us they don't see the same relationship potential that we do.

I think that while it may be difficult in the beginning, as your friendship continues to develop, you will figure out how to remain friends with her. It may be difficult dating for awhile, as you may compare each woman to her, but as time progresses...dating should become easier. I think it's good that you take a few days to digest and process a friendship with her, as you've stated, she brought out a side of you, you'd never seen before and that seems to be very important to you.
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

Totally agree with you, it's hard to hear something like that and maybe it would be even harder for me to date for a while.


I think what makes this situation difficult to me for now is the fact that if things had gone well, she would have been my first girlfriend ever (I'm a graduate student, so you could do the math and make a guess about my age...)


Anyway, I'll try to let my heart and mind cool off for some days (or even weeks) before talking to her again.


 

Expert:  llw26 replied 11 months ago.
I think that's a good idea to continue processing what this means for you and relationships. It sucks to be rejected, especially by someone we really like -- and even more if it's our first time going out on a limb. I totally understand how difficult it can be to date in graduate school (when to find time to date, how to date, and it is especially difficult to date someone when they aren't in graduate school). BUT! There is hope, it is possible to date, as many of my friends have found partners during school. So don't lose hope, give yourself a break and then get back into the dating scene slowly. I wish you the best of luck!
llw26, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 55
Experience: LPC - September 2011. Counseling skills.
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