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Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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how soon in a new reltionshp can matters of intimacy be discussed

Resolved Question:

how soon in a new reltionshp can matters of intimacy be discussed openly
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It depends. if we are talking about adults already dating and willing to build a responsible, healthy and fulfilling relationship, while aware that only time and experience would show how well it works for both of them, it is necessary that both were willing and able to be honest and open from the very beginning.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This does not mean that everything and detail should be shared this early in the relationship, but that gradually, depending on the trust earned and deserved by each partner, you would be trusting more about yourself in areas that are very vulnerable and personal, since you already would need to explore and learn better about how well the other person deserves such level f trust and intimacy.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If for example, you already have sexual relationships, it´s obvious both would need to be open about what you feel, need and want, what bothers you and what just doesn´t work. Waiting too long to talk about it would not be wise but mislead your partner and create problems. If on the other hand, the person was victim of sexual abuse by a parent and is still in the early stages of dating, then it would be risky to trust a person you just now very superficially and share what happened in your past, once if such person is not mature, caring, respectful and assertive enough, he/she could even misuse such information and become abusive. This is why each case must be assessed individually depending on the concrete circumstances - issues.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you tell me more about the specific situation, we could further explore the best approach to consider. Does it make sense?

Customer:

have had one meeting which went well got hug no kiss

Customer:

want to know how she feels about oral sex both receiving and giving

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then you just started,then it would take some time to gradually know each other, understand what you think, feel, want, expect, to find out how compatible you are and more. Taking one step at a time uses to be the best approach, what means always honest but to share only as much as you feel comfortable with, and never to push the other, specially when it is about privacy and vulnerable matter.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if you are already dating and she shows herself willing to share at that level too this soon, then you should talk to her about it, once you were already being that sexually intimate.

Customer:

how to ask

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have only hugged each other and do not feel that close to her yet since just started dating, then you would have to take some time and explore how comfortable she feels talking about that, with indirect questions and commenting about the topic.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Assess, observe her reaction, take into account her feelings and words, her initiative, and based on that you would know better about her boundaries and what she is able and willing to explore and share or not this soon in the relationship.

Customer:

dont want her to think all i want is a "onenight stand"

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Right, that's why I said you need to take one step at a time and go gradually, depending on the level of trust and mutual knowledge-closeness you build through regular sharing, without pushing her at all.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes but would you suggest asking her flat out if!!!! she is comfortable discussing intimate questions??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If she has already shown that she feels comfortable talking with you about sex that way, then sure, I do not see any issues with that, but if that has not been the case, please take your time and gradually get to that point.

Customer:

Hmmmm hard to know when she is ready to discuss cause she stated inher bio she did not want someone looking for one night stand seems like a judgement call cause i am there on the firing line and you are not!!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then if she is already clearly and openly making it clear as a boundary what she is looking for, to push her to discuss these concerns while you just started to know her would never be wise nor help at all to promote trust, intimacy nor willingness to share more. I would never suggest you to push this topic now but to patiently wait to gain her trust and affection before trying to work on sexual intimate play.

Customer:

You see I have Erectal Disfunction and can only offer oral sex to satisfy lady in bed am working on some sort of male enhancement to get and maintain erection Can you recommend one??

Customer:

i am 81

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

if your erectil dysfunction is not caused by a medical problem but is a psychological issue, then you would waste time trying to resolve this problem using external or material means, since the problem origin would remain the same perpetuating the dysfunction, which is a disorder and not something to control with external "enhancers". My suggestion is for you to get adequate medical treatment in case you have a medical condition causing your sexual dysfunction, or on the other hand, psychotherapy to rehabilitate from this disorder, for you to be able to be and feel good, so to perform well during sexual intercourse and to have fulfilling and healthy relationships.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

have you already had a complete medical evaluation to identify the origin of your erectil disorder and received started treatment?

Customer:

no

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then that's the first step here.

Customer:

not medical prob just age related

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please do it ASAP, since the longer you wait to receive necessary treatment, the more difficult it could get for you to rehabilitate from this disorder.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you know from your doctor that you have no medical condition causing the erectil disorder, then it would be a psychological problem, which would require psychological treatment. Age does not necessarily mean the lack of sexual potency, but medical conditions and psychological problems like stress and anxiety or depression could cause them for sure.

Customer:

ok stress and anxiety and depression could be it i thought age alone was primary factor so plan to discuss with doctor thanks you have helped

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please be sure that age by itself without medical conditions affecting it, could not cause a sexual disorder like erectile dysfunction this pervasive, that's why getting necessary professional psychotherapeutic support seems very important, and worthy for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank for your trust.

Customer:

there are so many things out there can you recommend one??

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please clarify your question? You want a recommendation about?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If it is related to working on taking good care of your mental health in order to rehabilitate from the sexual dysfunction, I would say you would benefit a lot from learning relaxation techniques, anxiety and stress management and just to do activities that allow you to relax and enjoy life. But specially you would need professional psychological treatment in order to get the best expert support to learn or improve these skills and to be able to rehabilitate from these disorders. I would not suggest the use of psychiatric drugs to control or numb depression , anxiety or other psychological problems, but rather to focus on working on the sources of your problem and making changes at that level, without exposing yourself to extra issues created by such powerful drugs.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you again for your trust. Please feel free to contact me back since I would like to follow up and see if I can support you more. In case you want to consider online professional counseling, here is a link where you could get professional services online: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I will be able to help you there to not only replying to your questions like here but with consistent and confidential counseling support.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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