Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).
I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and sad situation.
Hi Rafael, thank for contacting me about this.
Hi. You're very welcome. I am sorry to know you have been facing this situation.
It feels like I stepped into a soap opera, while I'm really not the drama hound. Oy!
Could you please describe what was what he recently admitted and what did lead him to tell you about it?
Get comfy, this will take a while then.
No problem, I am here to support you.
When we met, my BF was cheating on his then-GF and had been for years. When I finally realized he was 'attached', I gave him an ultimatum and he proceeded to break up with her. Thing is, she's been his dependent financially (and probably emotionally too) for 15+ years. Because he felt guilty, he provided her with an appartment for 1 year (deadline is sept 1 for his ending his support), even though the lawyers confirmed he didn't need to. Now I found out that she's been staying there 3-4 days per week (she allegedly suffers/ed from separation anxiety) and has been for months. By asking questions, I found out that she tried to seduce him back in March, but he refused her. (Can I trust that?) She called me up last week to tell me that she had been having sex with him for the last 18 months. I don't believe her, I think she's just trying to hurt us, but doubts remain.
I am very sorry to know this has happened. Is this person disable, physically or mentally?
You said he has justifies his actions by stating he felt guilty for leaving her and that's why he has been in touch with her, then financially and emotionally supporting her and now even having her at his place, did I get it right?
She had 2 bouts of cancer and is not strong. She's also 65. I'm not sure to what extent it is a matter of her not being able to do something or that she has a severe case of "do for me".
Yes. He is also going to a therapist for this. He recently discovered that he has a deep need to be liked. The issue is that he has to step away from needing her validation.
I see, but independently of these circumstances, it is a fact that he has been this dishonest with you for all this long while having this relationship with her at these multiple levels, even when you do not believe her statements about them being lovers, while you acknowledge you believe she has been living with him for several days a week?
Has your fiance any mental disability and how old is him?
He's 55, I'm 50. No mental disability at all. He's a very smart man (well, aside from this issue).
Then I cannot see how a person in his shoes could justify such pattern of behaviors, being this dishonest while perpetuating a relationship with this other woman for this long and this close.
Therein lies the rub, as they say.
I'd say he would be showing very poor maturity level, lack of accountability, honesty and to be very manipulative. obviously codependency could be a core addiction here, but his behaviors show much distortions apparently enabling him to stay in this committed relationship with you while perpetuating relationship with this other woman,
I've thought of the possibility of codependency.
Now I can better understand why you feel this concerned, most people in your shoes would feel very sad and overwhelmed by a situation like this, and I do not see how this could get to a resolution without hard work and real changes with professional support, as long as you still feel and believe it is worthy and that you could truly trust him.
When all this came to light, I immediately demanded that he ask her to leave, that very same night, which he did.
What I see here is serious codependency and very manipulative and dysfunctional behaviors,lack of accountability, dishonesty and poor insight too.
I think there is something worth salvaging, but obviously, I'm having trouble with the trust.
I'd never suggest anybody in a situation like this to trust back a person showing his behaviors.
Thank you for your perspective, it validates my unease.
Only time will show you if he truly happened to choose to be honest, change his way and work on rehabilitating from his codependency and other mental health problems and worked well enough to create a healthy reality for himself and for this relationship in case you stay together.
Meanwhile, we're getting the rings from the jeweller this weekend. My instinct is to leave them all in my jewellery box, and put the wedding on ice until I feel us more solid.
Please focus not on words but mostly on concrete actions in time, since they are much harder to be manipulated.
Right, good point.
Absolutely, I totally support your plan.
And he is so very good with words.
Thank you very much.
You do not want to afford being married and then finding put these dramatic changes and improvements did not truly take place. If he does work on it, it would take hard effort and time,changes like these do not happen in a couple of months for sure.
You're very welcome.
Take gentle care and consistent action. Thanks for your trust.
You're right, unfortunately.
Thank you for your input and support.
I guess I'd better get back to work! Thank you again.
No problem. Bye for now.