How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hi, my fiancé recently admitted to me that he had been lying

Resolved Question:

Hi, my fiancé recently admitted to me that he had been lying to me for months about something important. How can I go on to plan a wedding and marry him, when I now have doubts about what he says and does? How do I get to where I can trust him again. We're not living together yet and getting him to give me his minute-by-minute agenda is just no way to live. Asking him for his phone so I could check all his text messages and for his email accounts and passwords so I can do the same there is futile, since he could sanitize them all first (if there are things in there, obviously), or show me only the clean accounts. I can't stand this!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very frustrating and sad situation.

Customer:

Hi Rafael, thank for contacting me about this.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi. You're very welcome. I am sorry to know you have been facing this situation.

Customer:

It feels like I stepped into a soap opera, while I'm really not the drama hound. Oy!

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Could you please describe what was what he recently admitted and what did lead him to tell you about it?

Customer:

Get comfy, this will take a while then.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem, I am here to support you.

Customer:

When we met, my BF was cheating on his then-GF and had been for years. When I finally realized he was 'attached', I gave him an ultimatum and he proceeded to break up with her. Thing is, she's been his dependent financially (and probably emotionally too) for 15+ years. Because he felt guilty, he provided her with an appartment for 1 year (deadline is sept 1 for his ending his support), even though the lawyers confirmed he didn't need to. Now I found out that she's been staying there 3-4 days per week (she allegedly suffers/ed from separation anxiety) and has been for months. By asking questions, I found out that she tried to seduce him back in March, but he refused her. (Can I trust that?) She called me up last week to tell me that she had been having sex with him for the last 18 months. I don't believe her, I think she's just trying to hurt us, but doubts remain.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know this has happened. Is this person disable, physically or mentally?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said he has justifies his actions by stating he felt guilty for leaving her and that's why he has been in touch with her, then financially and emotionally supporting her and now even having her at his place, did I get it right?

Customer:

She had 2 bouts of cancer and is not strong. She's also 65. I'm not sure to what extent it is a matter of her not being able to do something or that she has a severe case of "do for me".

Customer:

Yes. He is also going to a therapist for this. He recently discovered that he has a deep need to be liked. The issue is that he has to step away from needing her validation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see, but independently of these circumstances, it is a fact that he has been this dishonest with you for all this long while having this relationship with her at these multiple levels, even when you do not believe her statements about them being lovers, while you acknowledge you believe she has been living with him for several days a week?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Has your fiance any mental disability and how old is him?

Customer:

Yes, exactly.

Customer:

He's 55, I'm 50. No mental disability at all. He's a very smart man (well, aside from this issue).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I cannot see how a person in his shoes could justify such pattern of behaviors, being this dishonest while perpetuating a relationship with this other woman for this long and this close.

Customer:

Therein lies the rub, as they say.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'd say he would be showing very poor maturity level, lack of accountability, honesty and to be very manipulative. obviously codependency could be a core addiction here, but his behaviors show much distortions apparently enabling him to stay in this committed relationship with you while perpetuating relationship with this other woman,

Customer:

I've thought of the possibility of codependency.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now I can better understand why you feel this concerned, most people in your shoes would feel very sad and overwhelmed by a situation like this, and I do not see how this could get to a resolution without hard work and real changes with professional support, as long as you still feel and believe it is worthy and that you could truly trust him.

Customer:

When all this came to light, I immediately demanded that he ask her to leave, that very same night, which he did.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What I see here is serious codependency and very manipulative and dysfunctional behaviors,lack of accountability, dishonesty and poor insight too.

Customer:

I think there is something worth salvaging, but obviously, I'm having trouble with the trust.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'd never suggest anybody in a situation like this to trust back a person showing his behaviors.

Customer:

Thank you for your perspective, it validates my unease.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Only time will show you if he truly happened to choose to be honest, change his way and work on rehabilitating from his codependency and other mental health problems and worked well enough to create a healthy reality for himself and for this relationship in case you stay together.

Customer:

Meanwhile, we're getting the rings from the jeweller this weekend. My instinct is to leave them all in my jewellery box, and put the wedding on ice until I feel us more solid.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please focus not on words but mostly on concrete actions in time, since they are much harder to be manipulated.

Customer:

Right, good point.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, I totally support your plan.

Customer:

And he is so very good with words.

Customer:

Thank you very much.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You do not want to afford being married and then finding put these dramatic changes and improvements did not truly take place. If he does work on it, it would take hard effort and time,changes like these do not happen in a couple of months for sure.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care and consistent action. Thanks for your trust.

Customer:

You're right, unfortunately.

Customer:

Thank you for your input and support.

Customer:

I guess I'd better get back to work! Thank you again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions