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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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I recently received answered questions about my GF and her

Customer Question

I recently received answered questions about my GF and her bipolar issue and all answers were very understandable......yes I am hurt by all her issues and actions and was recommended to give her time and space by which I am.....I told her she can still use the cell phone I got her which I pay for in my account and by which I don't mind and to not worry as I will not call her or text her (which I haven't in a week)....what I cannot understand is if she had told me week ago after writing her letter she no longer loves me and our relationship has no future why still use my cell and instead just return it and cut all ties with me? Is she using me or what?

Submitted: 10 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you are right, if she tells you that she does not love you and sees no future for your relationship, she should not keep using your phone, that would be the acceptable, responsible and mature thing to do. But she chooses not to do it, thus I believe you need to assess what you want to afford or not in this relationship, and from there set clear and consistent limits and boundaries, the same way you decided to give her time and space. But if you eel that there is no hope here because of her actions and choices, then you would need to decided if you want to continue to be this generous with her paying for her to use your cell phone or not.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer: I don't mind her using it.... could it be with her not clear thinking state she in she may want to use it as she knows it has ties to me still?
Customer: Why do you think she us still using.....especially after telling me in letter she would return it? You think she might have mix feelings?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It is not uncommon for people with bipolar disorder to present other mental health problems including personality disorders, and one common issue is about lack of accountability and tendency to manipulate, which would always require healthy limits and boundaries from people around them, otherwise you would end enabling similar behaviors, which could become more abusive.

Customer: She had text me earlier today wanting me to release the phone number so she can open her own account by which I hadvt
Customer: Told her nit too worry about it as I didn't mind..... few hours later out of the blue she text me telling me she's in the ER with dizziness, stomach pain and bloody stools and awaiting a catscan .... I text her back saying to please let me know ifvu needed anything and I wil be there if she needed help... I'm confused..... what's with the change of mood now? I thought she no longer cared fir me.... she sued she will let me know how it goes??? What you make of this?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I'm very sorry to know about this situation. Everything that you have described here is common behavior presented when serious mental illness affects the person's life.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

People with bipolar disorder do present mood changes, irritability, changes of mind, negativity, hostility, deep levels of frustration, push away people, develop dysfunctional attachments, and most times do have other mental health problems besides of the depression and anxiety described before. They use to suffer personality disorders and other conditions that deeply undermind their mood, functioning and relationships

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best you can do is to show empathy, understanding and support while keeping healthy boundaries, in that way you would be able to help her while take good care of yourself.

Customer: Hi there
Customer: Just got in
Customer: So her not being in love with me anymore was real or what?
Customer: If I dont respond right away it's because it's late here and getting sleepy
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for replying.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I would not say that her love was not real, but that love is something always affected by our personality, uniqueness, level of maturity, mood, mental health, experiences and life circumstances. it is not a static and immutable thing, but something we literally develop and improve, shaped by all these factors including values, beliefs, fears and more. This is why a person suffering of serious mental illness would present real difficulties in personal relationships, even more in romantic ones, and this is why necessary psychological treatment and support are so necessary.

Customer: We been together forv4 yrs now
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I see

Customer: So her writing the letter that she is no longer in love then was part of her panic attack she got this past week?
Customer: She's done this 2 other times before except this one it only took her a week to text me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It could have been, the only way to know is by better understanding how and when she experience these episodes for you to identify if she was really fully aware of her behaviors or if her actions were undermined by the bipolar symptoms fueled by the manic or depressive episode.

Customer: I was just surprise how our if the blue she text me letting me know she had gone to the ER and will let me know how it goes as if nothing had happened between her and me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is not uncommon behavior people with bipolar disorder present.

Customer: Not to mention her therapist tells her not to see me as well
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to hear that. Only she knows what she has told her about you. No way to know.

Customer: So her saying she isn't in live with me could have been what she was thinking at the time?
Customer: She said some of my negativity triggers her
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

What you need to be clear about is that she has this illness and possibly other problems, which will not disappear, but that she could rehabilitate from them, but it would only happen if she commits to her rehabilitation process with "effective" psychotherapy and hard work on herself, and that it is a long term process.

Customer: So are you in the US ?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Not right now. Why?

Customer: She has a picking issue on her arms and legs for anxiety
Customer: Just curious where some if people I talk to are from
Customer: Your answersc are great in helping me understand
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You see, anxiety could develop and worsen everything else, leading to other disorders making it tougher for the person to cope and fucntion without adequate treatment and support.

Customer: So chances are she'll seek me again?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust. This is not easy but tough situation, it requires you to be extra patient, understanding, gentle and compassionate with yourself since it is tough to cope with, and also towards her as long as you feel it is what you want and can afford.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so. Time will tell, by now please focus on what depends on you and not on what you cannot control, that way you would be taking good care of yourself and play an even healthier role in her life too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I have to leave not to reply to other customers. Please feel free to contact me for any further support, just include my name or direct your questions to me and I will reply.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

In case you want to consider professional counseling support to better work on coping with this tough situation, know that I am willing to support you with that too through https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Customer: Thank you so much Radael
Customer: Rafael
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network. You're very welcome.


Please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welocme.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Take gentle care.

Customer: I'm heading to sleep good night
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good night.

Customer: You take care as well
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(please do not forget to rate support, thanks, bye).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thanks.

Customer: I
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Hi Rafael how you been.......she text me back next morning letting me know that doctors found nothing wrong with her and for her to call her GI doctor.... I haven't heard from her since (3days) do you think I should just leave alone and you think I'll hear from her again?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Hi

I am glad to know she is physically fine, but concerned to know it was a mental health related issue

I think you would hear from her for sure. Burt only you know what you want to afford here as explained in previous messages. Her mental health would not significantly change, but only in the long run, and as long as she gets adequate treatment and commits to her rehabilitation. You choose what you want to afford here taking into account the whole reality, with its limitations, challenges, issues and positive aspects.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thanx for response ..... I noticed recently she's calling and talking to a male friend Greg.... could it be she just needs to talk to since she doesn't call me anymore or is she liking this guy? I know silly thinking and I might just be making something out of nothing.... I don't think after coming out of panic attack she's having interest in someonevlse...... Also shall I'll not text her and let her be ?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
You're welcome. There is no way to know if she just know this person, if they re friends or have something else, you could endlessly speculate and would never find out that way. person with bipolar disorder and possibly with personality problems can do this and many other things for sure, but it would not help speculating. Much better to focus on what you can, and should control, while letting her do the same as an adult.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Well she has told me in past it is a friend of hers and I just on phone records in lastvfewcdaysvshes been calling but not for long .... most of time appears he never returns her calls .... I know cause her cell phone is still in my acct and I can log online and see the calls that are made..... But you're right I may just be speculating ....I'm just not sure if I should just her be ..... but having issues she has you really think I may hear from her even though she stated she no longer loves me.... is it like this that bipolar people does?



Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Yes, I believe that she would contact you sooner or later based on your story,and because it is also a common behavioral pattern many people with these disorders present.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
So it would better if I just give her space then... Also why is it that people with BP does it and ends coming back?
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
It could be a good idea to give her space. she needs to work on herself for sure.

Bipolar means going from one extreme to the other, and if there is a personality disorder like borderline personality, such dysfunctional tendency gets even stronger.

Please post new questions not into the same original question. Thanks.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thanx Rafael for your help! I need to get some rest ...Thanx for clarifying all this for me....
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
You're very welcome. Have a god rest.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Hi Rafael! Hope you're having a great day! I need your help again..... I just received a text message from wanting me again to call my cell phone carrier to release the number as only I can... she then said it's not fair for her to have me pay and that I needed to move on and that I cannot be paying for things for her .... also stated her therapist told her to as well....I replied that I didn't mind helping out and she said she knows that but she needs for me to do this as she needs to be independent again and her therapist told her if I don't do this for her to just send the phone back to me.....I then asked if I can call her and she ask me not to call her! I responded saying I was sorry as I didn't know she hated me that much... she said she didn't that it was just too difficult to talk to me....I reminded her I wanted to be her friend whom wants to help out in case she needed something or someone to talk to.... she replied that she just needed some time for herself right now and appreciate my offer and may call on me in the future.... I then told her I will call my carrier so she can have her own acct....she then said she had a football party to go to ..... told her to have fun and she said thanx.....my question Rafael... is this the end of the end or is she merely just doing what her therapists telling her to do? Also why is it difficult for her to talk to me right now but yet said she just needed time to herself and may call upon me in future? Thanx Rafael!
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
Hello

I am sorry to know how this has evolved, but it seems very clear she has decided to set and keep this boundaries about you and do not want you to keep close to her during this process. Her real reasons are something only she knows and speculating about them could become endless. What we know is that she's being direct telling you what she needs and wants right now, and I think you are very assertive respecting her decision, letting her own this phone account and not taking any initiatives beyond what she has set. Could it be the need of it. Sure it could be, you would only know with time. Right now you can only take care for what depends on you, then let her do what she needs to do and you would see how much she truly works on herself and rehabilitation process, which would impact on her openness and willingness to reconsider a new chance or not for your relationship.

Please focus on healing from this frustrating and sad situation, ideally with counseling support, for you to learn and grow from it.
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thanx Rafael! Why is it difficult for her to talk to me right now like she said but yet said she just needed time for herself right and may call upon me in future? Would you say this is the end ? Once again Thanx!
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
She has a chronic serious mental illness, plus possibly other mental health disorders, and her personal issues mixed with the problems you experienced when dating. Expectations should be adjusted to reality and its limitations, other wise you would always get very frustrated.

I do not know if this is the end of it or not, only time will tell.
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 10 months ago.
Thanx for clarifying this Rafael....
Customer: replied 10 months ago.

Thanx for the info Rafael and understand your explanation......with what you just had told me I received a text from herearliervtoday saying that she had to pay $400 security deposit for her own cell acct as her credit is poor.... (which I knew she would have to) told her I will pay the termination fee so she can get her pre pay .... said that was not fair of her... told her I didn't mind etc ... then we got into a nice conversation telling me about her surgery and her car having brake troubles etc and said that I'm being kind to her..... told her I can help with the repairs as I really don't mind .... she said that was nice of me .... anyway we carried on a nice talk and told me she will let me know when she has her surgery..... so what's with the change of attitude now Rafael? And no she's not using me because of the 5 yrs I've known her she has never done that.....
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 10 months ago.
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