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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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My fiancee/boyfriend broke up with me after 9 years. We met

Resolved Question:

My fiancee/boyfriend broke up with me after 9 years. We met at work and started seeing each other after about 4 months. Within 2 years, he had started talking about marriage but I put a break on it because I thought he was too young (and a gut feeling). 4 years into the relationship, already living together and we get engaged but never set a date. After getting engaged and for the rest of the relationship, he started the cycles of hot/cold which progressively got shorter. I tried to set a date for the wedding a few times but every time, he came up with an excuse. Nevertheless, probably because of my positive nature, we continued talking about a future and having a family. One drunken and merry night, we end up having unprotected sex, at which point he says I'd be a great mum. The following morning, when I bring up the subject of the previous night and ask for reassurance from him, he says he didn't remember much followed by 'I got carried away because I was drunk'!!! Needless to say, a few month down the line he broke up with me blaming me for pushing him away so much that he was 'made' to look for love elsewhere (he gave his number to another woman).

I was devastated. We were broken up for 3 months. One drunken evening, I texted him to say I missed him. He replied back to say he missed me too and slowly he re-kindled our romance. He had transformed from water to champagne! He was super attentive, sensitive, communicative and open. But once again he slowly started pulling away by withdrawing. I'd say that to him but with little effect. I have to say that during this time I was also afraid and slightly reluctant given our previous history. Once again he started talking about getting married and having children very soon. And once again I wanted to wait for a little longer. Finally, once I came round to the idea of marriage and kids, he withdrew again. This time he recognised our cycle but said it was my fault. The relationship lasted another 18 months and last week he broke up with me again. He said he cares deeply for me and that he loves me but not like before. That his love has changed and that I have been his best friend. Eventually he confessed to be having an emotional affair with another woman at work and that, if it was up to him, he would take that affair into the physical side of things! My heart broke once again. This time I felt things had changed between us and we had a chance. We seemed to be making progress.

He apologised for the mess and that he still thought of me as his best friend. But 'unfortunately' he had 'wasted the gifts' I'd given him over our years together.

I'M CONFUSED. WHAT HAPPENED?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer: Hi
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this sad and frustrating situation.

Customer: Indeed...I don't know why but I'm confused. Why do you make of the situation? his behaviour?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unhappily it seems from the very beginning how he was always reluctant to truly commit to the relationship, literally sabotaging it whenever he felt it was getting too close for him.

Customer: Yet he said that he could give this other woman intimacy. That he felt at ease talking to her but not me.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He was never fully honest nor open towards you, his inconsistencies led the relationship to fail, and no matter how hard a person may try, if the other one is not being real, honest and focused on building a healthy and fulfilling relationship, it would never work, and his behavior after all this years shows this inconsistent pattern leading to the frustrating and sad present situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry, but I think for him to state such a thing is very abusive and could become traumatic,since it shows lack of sensitivity, caring, even respect towards you, your feelings and what you have tried to build for so many years.

Customer: Sadly, I still fantasise getting back with him(!!!!!) Why?
Customer: I asked him why did he propose in the first place and he refused to answer. I'm starting to think that I was the problem. Is he capable of loving?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Perhaps because you have deeply attached to him, like having a dependency on him, after so many years together and longing for a real and fulfilling life together, I believe you could have attached even more to yor expectations and longings about having a happy and lasting relationship, and coming to terms with the fact it was not happening could have been too overwhelming for you, turning into fueling more hope about it, his changes.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Many times we could end enabling neglect or abuse out of fear, becoming too attached and not recognizing the serious issues when they happen. He may have felt empowered to keep this abusive pattern for this long since aware you were going to stay there for him, while he would not take full responsibility for his own choices, actions and the way the relationship evolved.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

His behavior shows lack of enough assertiveness, maturity and caring as an adult, very poor accountability, and it could easily lead a person in your shoes to fall into this dysfunctional cycle after so many years in the relationship.

Customer: I'd like to move on but am afraid of attracting the same type of guy again. Any tips to avoid that in the future? Any tips on how to help my healing?
Customer: Also, he wanted to remain friends! Was this out of guilt, trying to 'soften' the blow or to keep me in a string?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Codependency could be at the core of this very painful situation, fueling the pain, exposing yourself more and more to it, regardless the evidence you got about how poorly he deserved you and how neglectful and even abusive he could get disregarding your feelings and the commitment he created with you along the years.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know things have evolved this way, and that he could get this manipulative and expect to keep close to you regardless of how destructive and unhealthy he has become in your life. Please, seriously consider getting professional counseling support, for you to work on your healing process from this overwhelming pain, and to rehabilitate from it, to eradicate any codependency pattern and to grow stronger and wiser from it. Your support system, namely those members of your family and close friends who happen to be assertive and supportive, should play an active role helping you during this process.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are totally right about your fear, it could become a real addictive pattern, that's why I mentioned codependency; but there is hope for sure as long as you commit to work on yourself, to make necessary changes to take better care of yourself, so you would set healthy and clear boundaries in relationships, and never allow anybody to use, abuse or neglect you at all.

Customer: Is possible to 'cure' codependency?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's believe that as any other addiction, there is no cure, but rehabilitation is possible as long as we acknowledge reality and the core issues, and commit to work on ourselves, on making necessary changes, taking full responsibility for our own feelings, choices and actions with necessary support. Most times a combination of individual psychotherapy and group therapy or a group support do offer the best results, allowing the person to prevent ad effectively cope with relapses, to truly make changes and get stronger from it.

Customer: One final question, could this relationship have taken a different direction if I had set clear boundaries from the beginning?
Customer: Actually, every time I tried he would throw a tantrum.
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, things could never be the same if approached in more assertive ways, but speculating or spending too much time on what could have been would not help. It is necessary to understand what happened here for you to learn from it, but that's it, you would need to work on healing and growing from it in order not to expose to nor enable anything similar.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He manipulated you since he knew about your affection, fears and vulnerability, he used them against you, that's why codependency could be the very core fueling this chronic dysfunction.

Customer: Thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action getting the professional support you need and deserve to rehabilitate and grow from this painful reality.

Customer: Just thought of something else, he also said that sometimes he was afraid of me (and I believe him). How can he manipulate me and be afraid at the same time?
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you want to consider online professional counseling, I am also willign to support you that way through the new etherapy service offered here:


https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I belevee it could be possible, since his own personal issues and fears could play a big role in this situation, what would never justify his manipulation and unacceptable behaviors for this long.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Unless he tales responsibility for his choices and actions, including his feelings and everything he did about this relationship from the very beginning, he would not be able to learn from it, and would perpetuate similar pattern with other people.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

(please remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network).

Customer: Once again, thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Please tale gentle care and consistent action to work on your rehabilitation. It'd not be easy at all, but it is necessary and absolutely worthy. It would allow you to literally build the well-being and fulfillment you deserve.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Rafael M.T.Therapist
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MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach