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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Me and my husband have two indoor cats. They have clawed our

Resolved Question:

Me and my husband have two indoor cats. They have clawed our new sofa(we can't afford to get them declawed) peed on the carpet and thrown-up in the kitchen. I have tried to discuss this with him but he won't hear of it!. He says...We have discussed this and they're(the cats) aren't going anywhere. He says that he made a commitment to the cats when they got them and he won't break that commitment. The cats are destroying our home and our marriage! Please help! We have only been married for 4 months.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 11 months ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very concerning and frustrating situation.

Customer:

What do you suggest that I do?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Even when it is not about a serious life issue but about pets, the way he has been handling it is obviously very concerning since it creates a serious issue in your marriage, since it shows his "commitment| to have two cats is like sacred and a priority before your material property and before the very integrity of your marriage.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there is not an easy solution hare, since this little huge problem makes evident there are big differences in the way you value and approach things, and specially in the way you treat each other and care about your marriage and life together.

Customer:

I know! I thought his commitment to our marriage would be more important than his commitment to the cats

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You said he is unwilling to even listen to you, nor discuss about it, and you have only been married for four months but already showing serious communication and compatibility issues.

Customer:

He says that he gives into me on most issues....but not about the cats

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

It's very concerning that you only find out about these big differences now after this incident happened. Didn't you talk about it before, and about every important thing affecting your relationship, the way you were going to take care of it, cope with problems, set priorities, boundaries and more?

Customer:

I guess not enough

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That seems to be the case in most scenarios like this, what makes it shocking for anybody in your shoes to find out about it this way.

Customer:

I thought about having us go to our priest about this problem but I don't know if he will go

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe this is a much more serious issue than a simple decision making around pets, but it is pointing at your real need to work on developing the very core skills and around you need to make your relationship - marriage work, grow and become a healthy and truly fulfilling one.

Customer:

Where do I start?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think you would need a professional marriage psychotherapist to support you, since his behaviors is very concerning, but if he happens to be unwilling to even talk about it, then I am afraid you would be in a much more serious situation here.

Customer:

Great....:(

Customer:

Can you give me a little something to try?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You can and should only take full responsibility for your own feelings, choices and actions, including all those involving your commitment to him as your spouse, but it should not be confused with being codependently passive, tolerating what is abusive or dysfunctional, even less to enable further unhealthy situations but dismissing the problem. He would need to do the same, and that would be the only way for this issue to get a solution and for your marriage to mature and grow healthy, otherwise, no matter how hard and good you try, it would not work, since it is not about you , but about how both were able to work as a real and harmonious team.

Customer:

How should I go about opening a discussion about all this?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I do suggest you to focus on what depends on you, on what you can control, be clear about your core needs and expectations for this marriage, then talk to him about it, and stick to play your role in consistency with what you believe and value, hoping he would join you and do the same. If after you trying your best this way, you see he remains the same not caring about the way you feel, the issues limiting and undermining your marriage and unwilling to change for better, then please look for individual counseling support, to reassess your situation and see what else could be viable for you to try. Setting clear boundaries and limits would have to be a core part of it. But it is him who would choose to respect them or not. Having pets does not have to be an issue, but to allow them to literally destroy your home is just unacceptable, and it's a matter of common sense...

Customer:

I totally agree! They are cats....not children.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

He would need to be open to make adjustments in order to take good care of your property while also respecting you and taking good care of your marriage. If he feels it does not matter how much damage they could cause to your property, then he should take full responsibility and fix the consequences, since they arise from his choices against common sense and your attempts to make things work.

Customer:

Is there a way to print this page out of our discussion? I would like for him to see it. That might help us to start a discussion.

Customer:

By the way.... we rent our apartment.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely, and you are his wife, not a coworker, friend or neighbor, and it's obvious to me that you expect to be treated with respect and be a priority in his life, so to be able to work together as a team, as responsible adults on finding solutions, but never to become neglectful or abusive with each other, in subtle or obvious ways.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure, you can copy and paste it into a document for you to print or email. It will remain here posted for public access: then you could just use the link too http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/7yn8s-husband-two-indoor-cats-clawed.html?src=dn

Customer:

I can just go to that link and see everything?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then there is even more responsibility since you do not own the property. But I think the most serious core issue here is about lack of assertive prioritizing things, mutual respect, caring and support, being fully accountable as mature adults. You have just started your life together and need to address all these core issues, and work on developing necessary skills and improvements, otherwise you would have to face reality with further pain and consequences at multiple levels, and not only around choosing what to do with your bets.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Yes, you can just use the link an dit will take you to the chat record

Customer:

Okay. Thanks for your time.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me.

Customer:

If I need further advice...Can I talk to you again? and how would I get you again?

Customer:

Are you still there?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Absolutely. You can receive my support through the same service here just requesting me to answer your questions, directing them to me (Rafael) and I will reply ASAP. In case you consider getting professional counseling support, I am willing to assist you with that through https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network, and with no limitations.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am willing to support you either way.

Customer:

Great. Thank you again.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No problem. Take good care.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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