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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Hi, I met this French guy on the Internet ... And after a month

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Hi, I met this French guy on the Internet ... And after a month of exchanging emails and calling each other.. We decided to meet in. Paris for a weekend. We slept together and after that the day flew back home he said he will stop using the dating site where we met.. And he did.
After I left Paris we started missing each other, we exchange message everyday like 4 to 5 times a day.. And few weeks later I told him that I'm falling into him.. And he like that .. He said he really really like me too and that he loves me. After two months we decided to meet again This first week of September .. But then 4 days Ago things changed he send me his schedule for hi meetings for September and it is not possible for us to meet he said.. I was really upset and things become really intense those days because of frustration of not seeing each other .. After that he sent me a message stating that he really really miss me and he love me but the situation is complicated and he want to stop our relationship now.. When I received that message I was shocked and really hurt I called him and explain what I feel.. But he said that's the only solution right now we can be friend first ... It's really hurt and I can't .. I don't know what to do. I want him back.. I need your advice please....
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Customer: Hi Rafael
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hi thank you for joining the chat

Customer: My pleasure .. I need your advice about what I wrote earlier
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am very sorry to know about this very sad and frustrating situation

Customer: I am really lost right now .. The truth is I have family and I told my husband that I'm willing to leave him for him
Customer: I choose him over my family and I can't believe what's happening now
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is very serious

Customer: I don't know what to do
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Now reality is showing you that this person does not deserve the trust, affection and hope you have invested, and it has happened too fast

Customer: I don't know if he really loves me but he told me so
Customer: He is busy man and he said right now he has to fucos on his carrier and he can't take any more pressure
Customer: This morning he still send me message saying have a nice day.. I don't know if he still care
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That's unacceptable once he was aware of your situation, and both as adults chose to engage in this relationship. Unhappily it happened to fast and now you know much more about him, his personality, feelings and ways, his intentions and decisions about you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry but this is truly unacceptable for him to do, very abusive and I'd say traumatizing, but you need to come to terms with the fact that it is happening and that it was a mistake to trust a person this much this fast and make serious decisions based on that.

Customer: I don't know anymore I lost my family and him I am left alone
Customer: I was crying for the whole night and I don't know really what to do.. And I don't know if I still need to stay in touch with him hoping to get him back.. I really have a strong feelings with him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Based on your story I do not see how this person could deserve your affection and trust at all, he is an adult and knew what he was doing, so he caused this serous situation and has not cared at all, but uses excuses to justify his actions, which are obviously unacceptable

Customer: I am really really lost I can't even talk to my family about my situation or anyone who is close to me
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe that exposing yourself to this person even more, once aware of his real feelings, choices and actions would not help you but hurt you even more

Customer: What is the best thing to do..
Customer: Today .. My husband will file a divorce .. And we have two kids
Customer: It really really hard
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Have you told him about your current situation?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I imagine you had a dysfunctional marriage where you felt unable to make it work, hopeless and helpless, and that's why you allowed yourself to leave even when aware of the multiple challenges that would create for you and your children, right?

Customer: I told him yesterday over the phone.. But I don't know if he understood.. I was talking and he was talking..and it was really hard to explaine things
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For a person to choose to leave a marriage it's obvious you did not feel good, happy and fulfilled in it, and regardless of having found another person in your life or not, I 'd never suggest anybody to perpetuate a marriage or relationship under such circumstances, but now it is tough for you since you are grieving the loss of the new person who was supposed to be the one to fulfil you.

Customer: Yeah you're right I wasn't happy with my marriage for 5 years now but I was trying to have perfect one there's no problem with my husband but I don't feel the love anymore that's why I started to see him
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then I think divorce would have happened sooner or later, and this situation triggered these events, but has become overwhelming for you since it did nto work as you expected and wanted,, because the other person was not truly honest towards you.

Customer: I want to write an email explaining my situation right now and what about to happen in my marriage but I don't know how
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The limitation I see happened here was about you trusting this person too soon and making life changes this fast, without truly knowing if he deserved you and was reliable, as well as the feelings he expressed towards you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You mean a message to send to this French person?

Customer: Yeah I trusted him so fast.. And the past two months my world is just him
Customer: Yes I would like to send him message explaining everything that happening to me now but I might need your help
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX see how that could help but expose you even more to suffer, to become more vulnerable to further neglect and abuse, since his actions shows he truly does not care about you, otherwise he would have never done what he did, leaving you alone this way, it shows he does not care and that the love he showed was not sincere.

Customer: What will I do now :'(
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I believe you need to focus on healing yourself from what you are grieving, to better cope with present challenges and to avoid exposing to further wounding, since that could never help but undermine your mental health and well-being even more.

Customer: Okay.. Thank you
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please look for professional individual counseling or psychotherapy which would be very important and necessary for you to get the support you need and deserve to heal and grow from this overwhelming experience, and to avoid developing serious depression or any other mental health disorder.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This site has created a new program that offers fully confidential professional counseling services. Remember, on justanswer.com, your information is NOT confidential, but is public. On pearl.etherapi.com, we can speak confidentially, over a secure network, and could use video and audio conference as needed.

Customer: I actually paid and I don't really know how this site work
Customer: Thank you for your advice.. I was actually also planning to seek ab advice from professional in person
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you would like consider this invitation, please use the following link: https://pearl.etherapi.com/connectme/164
B
ut if you prefer face-to-face support n o problem, what is important here is for you to get the help you need to heal and effectively cope with this overwhleming situation.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I support that. Thank you for your trust. Please take gentle care and consistent action getting the support you need.

Customer: Thank you very much...
Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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