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Jean
Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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HI Jean, I think things are going in the right direction.

Resolved Question:

HI Jean,
I think things are going in the right direction. I talked to both my husband's brother and sister. His sister is embarrassed for him and prefers he not know I spoke to her. He met his brother Saturday and said that it's going to be good for him to have his brother involved but he was not happy with me for talking with him. My husband's brother said the same that you did that he has an addiction. I mentioned this to my husband and he denies he has an issue. He says he has not done this continuously and he does not look at porn. He says he had no intentions of trying to meet anyone and has not been with anyone. He says he would not ever cheat on me and the girls. I of course want to believe him. I don't think he would have a physical affair because of his ED. I tried to get him to see that no matter how you look at it physical or not it's still cheating. He doesn't see this. His brother does not think he has been with anyone. He does however think that he is lying about his computer use and doesn't believe he's not looking at porn.
We looked into therapists in our area and he spoke with one and has an appointment on the 18th. He only talked about his depression and nothing about the issues that have brought all this out. I asked if he wanted me to come and he said no. This concerns me because he needs to talk about his involvement with women online.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jean replied 1 year ago.

Jean :

Hello, this is Jean, I will read your post quick, be just a second.

Jean :

Good to hear back from you!

Jean :

It sounds like a great step in the right direction. If he's willing to see a therapist to "talk about his depression", it's a start. The only way therapy helps is if one is honest. The counselor can help him only with what he's willing to bring forward- but again it's a step!!

Customer:

Do you think I should insist on going?

Jean :

You certainly could try and insist on going, unless he gives you his "word" he will be honest??

Customer:

I don't know. If he thinks it's not an issue why would he talk about it?

Jean :

It's also okay for him to take smaller steps, getting more comfortable before he gets to the big stuff. Maybe compromise and see if he'd agree to allow you to come sometime before he finishes the therapy.

Customer:

What do you think about his brother's involvement?

Jean :

Even though he doesn't think it's a big deal, with the therapist, might he use the: "my wife is concerned about...." I think the brother's involvement is good- makes the issue less of a secret, getting this out in the open, may prompt your husband to step away from it- less power over him. You and his brother are doing this out of care, love, and concern- the intentions are good- he will realize that some day. He's lucky to have you- to care enough to take a closer look at this. If it's really not a "problem" it will stop/be better able to control it.

Customer:

It was not a good weekend. Sometimes talking with him is like pulling teeth. I am all for him getting help but I feel like I can't be supportive for him all the time. I said to him who do I get to talk to? Who do I get to lean on? I am having a hard time with his games online. I had not cried since I found everything and I really lost it yesterday. He was trying to be supportive and telling me he loved me, he's not looking for anyone else and he wouldn't cheat. He apologizes for making me doubt him and for making me fell the way I do.

Jean :

If he's treated for depression, he may have less of a "need"/desire to continue to pursue this. You are right- you have to consider yourself in all of this. Find someone you can talk to- in the end- only your husband can make the changes.

Customer:

I called my sister in California to talk to. He doesn't know this. I don't really care. I need someone to turn to. I am friends with people I work with but this is so deeply personal I can't tell them this. Plus I feel embarrassed that my husband would behave this way.

Jean :

When someone is "sick"- it can be even more difficult on those who love him- seeing the problem from outside, whereas he may not be in a place to admit the problem. Is there really much more you can do? Certainly continue to ask questions- because of the hurt he needs to realize and be open to you having questions, doubts, etc. That's not too much to ask- to be allowed to ask questions- especially because he broke the trust. You'd be surprised how common this is- the stuff on line is so very accessible- see a lot more addiction to stuff on line.

Customer:

He keeps referring to himself as a failure. He said he knows I've been thinking about dumping him before this. Which I have struggled with since I married him. He has no motivation. I have been on his case on and off about getting another job. He has tried to get promoted at his current job but nothing has worked out. He has tried but everything he does just does not work out for him. I feel bad for him then I drop it. Sometimes I feel like he's got it sweet working 20 hrs a week and why do anything about it? Sometimes I feel used. He could not survive on the money he makes and I'l be damned if I end up paying him alimony.

Jean :

It's much easier to go on line in privacy of your own home, vs. leaving home going to the x shop, or whatever. This stuff feeds on the isolation of a person- doing this alone. Know that you are not alone in this- there are many many people in similar situations as you- lots of it comes from loneliness too- even if it's "false"/fantasy, still feels like a connection to another. It is important for you to have support too- vs. the guy making poor decisions getting all the "help" and support. You, however, are in a place where you are seeking the support, more open to it vs. him being more resistant. It is a good first step that he's willing to start with his "depression"- that can be the root of some of this. The therapist will get him talking about emotions, and even if he doesn't come clean and tell the therapist, it can still benefit him if he's willing to share.

Jean :

You are angry and have resentment- it's important for you to identify and process that.

Customer:

I have identified that and told him that and he says he knows. What is so confusing though is that I feel like I need him. I miss his touch and I have been physical with him several times over the past week. I told him I don't know if that's a mistake on my part. I feel like he needs me and I need him. It makes me feel like everything will work out but then when I start thinking about everything I am not so sure.

Jean :

It's hard to know sometimes how much is "caring" and how much is enabling him- isn't it. You getting support, working through these emotions can actually help him- not only is he depressed, he's now dealing with the shame and guilt of how he's hurt you. If he sees you feeling more supported, he can focus on getting his "stuff" straight. Try and put your energy into your own healing- the big guy will have to decide for himself what he's "ready" for. It's okay to get close- a crisis can be an opportunity to get closer- your marriage can become stronger because of it.

Jean :

When in the dark is when we can be the most enlightened!!

Jean :

Good can come from this.

Jean :

It is not hopeless- it's a bump( may feel like a crevice) in the road that can bring you closer together. This thing called life school is very daunting sometimes- you will get through this- stronger because of it, whatever the outcome.

Customer:

I feel really confused and hurt and want this to work. I have not left him because I did not want my girls to go through that. I grew up with an alcoholic father and had to live through the fights and the threats and my father breaking his gun cabinet to go after someone at the bar and my mother wrestling him to the floor to get the shot gun out of his hands. They fought all the time. I argue with my husband and the girls don't like it.

Customer:

I struggle with depression myself. Since I was a teenager and have not seen anyone for it. Now he is telling me he's depressed. I have problems with my 13 yo. I want her to see someone but she refuses. There is so much to deal with I don't know how I am going to keep my sanity.

Jean :

The things you have done- bringing brother in has started the wheels in motion- the therapy, the talks you are now having about this- all in the right direction. What you experienced growing up maybe is being triggered by all of this. You have learned to be a caretaker/codependent- learned to focus on your father, parents fighting- can lose self in those experiences. Start by getting your own support- it can do yourself and your children good. Happy moms make for happy homes:)

Customer:

Thanks Jean. Have to go.

Jean :

Growing you as you did makes you especially sensitive- that's good that's sometimes more difficult.

Jean :

You are welcome! Good to hear from you. Take Care of YOU!!

Jean, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 433
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.
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Jean
Jean
Psychotherapist
100 Satisfied Customers
Licensed Clinical Social Worker with 20 plus years of experience in the field.