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Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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Somehow I lost your page so I am writing again. Sorry about

Resolved Question:

Somehow I lost your page so I am writing again. Sorry about that. I was engaged to a guy who went to Vietnam but married someone else while he was in the service. He was my first love and I still have deep feelings for him. I am divorced and si is he. I can tell he wants to still talk to me. He asked me out once but I refused because he was in a relationship and now he is not as far as I know or see. I was his first live too. Here is my problem: I am afraid to have a relationship with him because I am thinking he may try to get even with me for marrying someone else as many have suggested or that he may never trust me. I will say we talk and he says he had forgiven me and we both wre young because I could not live with myself without apologizing to him and his family. What do you think
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this challenging situation you have been facing.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The fear you now experience is normal, since it is consistent with the tough situation you found yourself in years ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You know how you felt and what led you to marry another person at that time, being in your shoes that young is never easy, and you did what you did because you felt it was the best for you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Humans are not like machines that do things in ways they have been programmed to, but are complex, and depending on personal experience, influences by past circumstances, other people around them, personality, fears, priorities and more, choose what they believe would lead them to further happiness and well-being; and that's what you did years ago. Then he did the same marrying another person, and both happened not to have happy marriages, but now find each other again, feeling this attraction.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are wise acknowledging your fear about the possibility of this new relationship not working, since there is the chance he could not have really healed from it and could retaliate now if you give him another chance to be together. This is a risk you need to face, real, but nobody knows if this would be reality or not but through allowing yourself to explore and learn from experience itself.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The potential risk would be there, but you need to assess the pros and cons of allowing yourself to explore and develop a new relationship with him. If by doing so you come to terms with the fact that it is worthy, even when knowing he could do the same you did years ago, then you would work on it, being aware of it and time would tell. But if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by insecurities and fears this could never work, then it could be better to set some distance and boundaries and keep things the way they are, or to develop only friendship, which could allow you to better know how he has changed or not, to better understand yourself, and to see how you get along with each other in your present realities. Then who knows, perhaps after that process, you find yourself feeling different, more willing to try, and trusting him more. Nobody knows, only time would tell, but you have the right, power and responsibility to choose what you want and can afford now about this person and a relationship with him.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Does it make sense?

Customer:

Yes tha

Customer:

Yes it makes sense and I need to stop listening to others and see what happens

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for joining the chat.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This is a tough situation, since there is no easy solution here, risks are involved no matter how you address it, but it is only you who has the right to choose what you want to afford or not here.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You are not the same, you were younger and less experienced before, now you know from your own marriages how complex and difficult things could get, as they already were for you years ago.

Customer:

Yes I thought the same thing but got thrown off by a friend who insisted not have anything to do with him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Some times people in your shoes end finding themselves trapped in a situation were they find themselves exposing to abuse or neglect because the other person's retaliation. Some times, it never happens that way, it depends on how mature, assertive and honest the other persona happens to be, and the feelings they experience for each other.

Customer:

I do know he is not abusive and he seems very hurt when I avoid him

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

That could be very valid for this friend of your and for other people feeling that way, but if it is not your experience, then you still have the right to explore and experience this situation and find out yourself if it could work or not. Nobody truly knows this, he knows his heart and intentions and you know what you feel and want, assessing the pros and cons here, what you are willing to afford nor would allow you to choose what course of action to take, and even when you decide something now, it does not mean you could not change tomorrow, because you can change and be flexible, and make adjustment depending on what you learn and feel.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Different people in the very situation would react in very different ways, while some would retaliate for sure, others could be really genuine and try to take the chance to try again and see if this time they get a new chance to build something fulfilling as they may have truly longed for years ago.

Customer:

Ok thank you so much. I an going to give ur a try but slowly. Have a goid night.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You're very welcome. Thank you for your trust. Please feel free to contact me back as needed, since I'd love to follow up and support you as possible.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good night.

Customer:

Ok thanks again

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you. Bye for now.

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
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