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Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
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Hello, I had a question about a chat session with text messages

Resolved Question:

Hello, I had a question about a chat session with text messages that went terribly wrong. I had started dating a girl and we were going into our 5th date. Before the date, however, we had an awful chat session and she got upset and mostly broke off contact. I have been trying to win her back, but so far, I cant get her to renew contact. The first 4 dates were great, and she did like me very much. We had already even been physical. I have the chat online, if it would help to read it. Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX is really hurting me write now.

Chris
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.

Hi, Chris! You know, to give you the best answer, I think I should ask you a few questions first that will help define the problem and the situation.


Wow, it does sound as though you must have said something really bad. Rather than sending the chat, which might violate confidentiality, it would be better if you could just relate to me, what did you say that offended her so much?

You've been trying to patch it up. How?

How has she been reacting?

Any extra information that will help, feel free to share.


Dr. Mark

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

well please look at this link. Its ok. There is no privacy issue. im not using real names anyway.


 


http://postimg.org/image/bgxfek40x/



I made that image.



We were just talking and I was in a comfortable place with her, and I shared about how Im interested in true crime and then mentioned the case i had been interested in and she took it in the worst way possible and got scared and offended. and blew up at me. I have tried texting her and wrote her 2 messages through email.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi, Chris. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's like a bad dream, I can see.


You are going to have to get her to speak with your friends and/or family to have her reassured that you were only being lighthearted and that you are not a spooky person. She may not be willing to go even that far for you. At which point you may need to actually get letters from friends and family, real reference letters like in the old days 100 years ago when people who connected long distance had to get some idea of who the person was by having reference letters.


She's clearly spooked and has scared herself. So it's unlikely that you are going to be able to clear this up for her with your own voice and your own words. Therefore, that's why I'm recommending you get others to speak up for you.


Again, I can imagine how unfair it must seem. You were just being lighthearted in the chat and she quickly got scared before you realized it.


Okay, I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

do you think she overeacted? My other fear is that she wanted out and used that as an excuse. Do you agree that her reaction was over the top? Was what i said that bad? Did I explain myself well in my follow ups?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
I think she overreacted and that you didn't catch on to her taking it seriously until you already were way deep into it. That's easy to spot in hindsight, I know. You seemed, from the chat, to be truly surprised by her overreaction.


And yes, she completely overreacted. But that's the danger of chats. You think she knows you well enough to know that you'd be kidding. She feels like she's just getting to know you and there are, after all, a lot of weirdos in the world preying on people. And so she got spooked and completely checked out.


There was no right thing you could have said by the time you caught on to her being serious. She was already emotionally on overload. She wasn't about to believe anything because she'd already decided this was scary.


That's why I don't know you can convince her with your own voice: she went into rejection mode. And how do you disprove a negative? Meaning how do you prove what you're not? How can you prove you won't do something? It's not provable; it's a matter of trust. That's where I came up with getting other people who she might actually be able to trust and believe.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

did you get a sense that she may have just been using that an an out and it was not a legit reaction on her part, but more staged?

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
No, I didn't. But that doesn't mean she's not a great actress. But she would have to be a great actress. You've already been physical together, you had further contact scheduled. This really did seem impulsive. Again, though, I don't know if she's a great actress....


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Hi, Chris! I'm very glad that I was able to help you with this and thank you for your positive rating. If I can help you in the future in any way, please don't hesitate to let me know.


All the best,
Dr. Mark
Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks. Unfortunately she still has not contacted me, and I havent texted in a couple days, but i really wish she would. I still feel helpless about things. I have not tried the getting other people to vouch for me thing yet.

Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Chris,


I wish we could say that it will change. But from my experience I think it would be very rare if that were to happen unless something dramatic were to occur to put you back on her screen as a good guy. Right now you're a bad guy.


Yes, it is possible that she set you up for a fall, but from the chat it just doesn't seem to add up if that were the case. There are so many easier ways and she couldn't have staged it that perfectly. It really seems like she was spooked.


And that means you probably need to move on. I'm so sorry, because you're a good guy and you're really missing her so she must have been a really special person. But she was certainly fragile in a certain way and very self conscious about being Asian. That came across as well.


I imagine getting people to write vouching for you may be embarrassing itself. And so it may be that you have to move on and go forward and leave her behind. I'm sorry she couldn't get over it.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Why do u think its rare?
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 1 year ago.
Chris,

When a person gets a scary idea in their head, they have two ways to go:


They can try to soothe themselves and say that it's okay, there's nothing really to it and then let it go. And after a while, it's gone, done and over with.


But the other way a person goes is to say that this idea is true. It is then a scary truth. The natural reaction to scary truths is to avoid them. For example, a person who's decided going to a dentist is worse than anything has this truth and avoids thinking about dentists let alone going to dentists, agreed?


It takes an active intervention to dislodge a scary truth. And she's convinced herself that your being weird and a pervert is a truth and that's scary. It will take an active intervention of some sort most likely to dislodge that truth.


Again, I said rare because humans are so amazing in variety. But the above is the model that all psychological research has found to be how we operate. Know, though, that this was unfortunate but doesn't reflect on you. I understand from the chat you were innocently sharing. And I'm sorry she was so sensitive.


I wish you the very best!

My goal is for you to feel like you've gotten Great Service from me and the site. If we need to continue the discussion for that to happen, then please feel free to reply and we'll continue working on this. If the answer has given you the help you need, please remember to give a rating of 5 (Great Service) or 4 (Informative and helpful), or even 3 (Got the job done) button. This will make sure that I am credited for the answer and you are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing any of these buttons. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "For Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX


Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5170
Experience: Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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