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Kate McCoy
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My girlfriend and I of nearly 2 years broke up 3 weeks ago.

Customer Question

My girlfriend and I of nearly 2 years broke up 3 weeks ago. She said that I had a wall up. And she was right. I took her for granted and was horrified when I examined some of our conversations. I was pushing her away and didn't realize it. Truth of the matter is that I love her and am struggling mightily with the break up. I want her back, but I am not sure what the best course of action is. Please help! Thanks.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like you have been able to gain insight from what your girlfriend told you and change yourself. That is a very positive step! Being open to changing helps a relationship work and for you to be closer to your partner. Although that does not help right now, it is a good way that you can show your girlfriend that you not only care about her, but that you are willing to listen to her.

In order to repair your relationship, you may want to try to connect with her again now. Apologize to her and let her know what you have done in order to fix this issue. And ask her what you can do for her right now. Focus on her needs and encourage her to talk to you about what she wants to see happen in your relationship. If she can open up and let you know what she needs, it shows that she is willing to connect with you again and that is a positive sign.

You may also want to express your feelings through non verbal ways. Try sending her a card telling her that you are sorry for what happened between you but that you have heard her and are taking what she said seriously. Send her flowers or other small gifts just as a way to brighten her day and to let her know you are thinking of her.

Also, if you can talk directly with her, spend some time reminding her of the good times you had together. Try to make her laugh or relax. She needs to see that there was more to your relationship than the problems and that she cares for you.

If she still says she needs time, allow her that time. But that does not mean you have to let her go. Try to stay in touch through texting just to say hi. It is ok if she takes some time for herself, but eventually she needs to decide what she wants from your relationship.

I hope this has helped you,
Kate
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
I hope my answer was helpful to you. If you have any more questions, please let me know.

Kate






May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
when we broke up she said things like "if it's meant to be, then we'll be together". she also said things like, "it's not over" and "get your shit together, and I'll call you up and you can take me on a date." are these things said just too make it easier for her or are those positive signals?

She also defriended me on Facebook. I'm really confused about that.
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
If she was telling you things like that, she was still thinking about being together. People do not say those kinds of things unless they are thinking about being together. If she had intended on breaking up for good, she would have just cut you off and left without saying anything like that.

It sounds like your girlfriend is hurt and that is why she reacted as she did, including defriending you on Facebook. She may feel she needs revenge for her pain and since you shut her out, she will do the same to you. That usually indicates someone that cares. You do not get hurt without caring about the other person.

But you can use that to try to get back with her. Address her pain by acknowledging that you understand you hurt her and you are working on fixing what you did. You may have to be a bit humble and ask for forgiveness, but it will show her you care and it may soften her stance on the situation. Be willing to be open with her and willing to work on whatever she needs right now. That will also help.

Kate
Customer: replied 11 months ago.
she also said that we weren't "friends" enough. she said she couldn't get it out of her head. our communication had really broke down towards the end. Are these things fixable?
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
It sounds like they are. It is worth trying because she did indicate that you need to fix the things that were wrong that broke you up. That seems to indicate that she knows how she wants things to go between you and that she is focused on what it would take to make things work. You can only try from here and see what happens.

Kate









If you feel your original question and related follow ups have been answered, I'd appreciate a positive rating on the answer I have provided. Thank you very much!
Kate McCoy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5418
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
Kate McCoy and 2 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
Thank you very much for the positive rating and bonus! I appreciate it.

My best to you and your girlfriend,
Kate
Customer: replied 11 months ago.

i'm thinking about writing her an e-mail. What do you think of this:


 


I went to LA for a week to help clear my mind, but i also realized that it was the perfect opportunity to ruminate, away from everyone and everything. At first, I tried to make myself feel better, but when i actually examined the evidence, I was horrified by what I saw. For months, I put you down and shut you out. All you were trying to do was help me, spend more time with me, talk with me. I can't imagine the pain that you must have endured. You put up with so much, for so long. I'm ashamed of myself. I neglected the person i valued most. I'm so sorry.



I was incredibly stressed out with my living situation here. It was a prison for me. It drove me mad. I projected my stress onto you rather than sharing those feelings with you, rather than expressing them to you and letting you in.



you said once that I loved you, but didn't like you. The truth is i really, really liked you. So i built a wall. I think i was afraid of what it all could mean. I was stuck. I'm sorry it took me so long to catch up.



Is there anything that i can do for you? Anything you need from me?

Expert:  Kate McCoy replied 11 months ago.
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