How JustAnswer Works:

  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Rafael M.T.Therapist Your Own Question

Rafael M.T.Therapist
Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience:  MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
65591635
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Rafael M.T.Therapist is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

so there is this girl that I work work with that im good friends

Resolved Question:

so there is this girl that I work work with that im good friends with. I developed feelings for her, but she had just gotten out of a relationship herself. I was having dinner with her and another friend last night. She admitted to wanting some space after her breakup, but also that she is interested in someone else in the office. As of right now she does not know how I feel about her, I have yet to tell her that I like her that way. However I feel incredibly bothered now that I may never really be able to tell her how I feel, without potentially sabotaging my friendship with her. I am tempted to at least tell her how I feel, even if it doesnt amount to anything, because I feel that it would be a weight of my shoulders if I could say my piece. However, given what she told me last night about space and interest in another person, I dont want to make things more difficult for her, but I dont want to feel miserable keeping my feelings inside. Please advise.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rafael M.T.Therapist replied 1 year ago.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Hello, I am Rafael. Thanks for asking your question - I'm here to support you. (Information posted here is not private or confidential but public).

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I am sorry to know about this frustrating and challenging situation.

Customer:

Its alright

Customer:

but I think its more silly than challenging

Customer:

frustrating none the less though

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Depending on how good friendship you have developed and her level of maturity, telling her about your feelings could have a more or less powerful impact in your current friendship.

Customer:

no matter what huh

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

She has told you very clearly about her interest for somebody else plus needing distance-space to move on from previous relationship, both are signs that he may not consider you romantically but only as a friend.

Customer:

that makes sense

Customer:

I was hoping to only say this to her but remain friends as well

Customer:

but yeah it would only complacate things

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You would need to assess the pros and cons of telling her what you feel. as you said, there is a high chance that this would create a distance between you affecting your friendship. She is telling you she likes this other person, then she could not take as nice from you to share about your feelings when she is already feeling that way for him while still needing time to move on.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

For how long have you been friends?

Customer:

close to 9 months i think

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

If you have a close friendship you telling her not to share about her feelings and personal lief with you could be taken as hostile or incompatible with the trust and intimacy a good friendship implies. Then please be careful about the boundaries that you set and the consequences your actions could trigger.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Healthy friendship is always supportive. Now if you do not feel comfortable at all as her friend because of your romantic feelings, and are willing to afford the possibility of not having her friendship any more, then you could directly tell her what you feel and see how she takes it.

Customer:

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

But if you are unsure or do not want to risk what you have, you would need to be patient and see what happens, trying to get closer and see if she allows it, but affording the possibility she starts a new relationship with that person or any other one.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

This situation challenges and would make obvious the quality and nature of your friendship, depending on how each of you handle it your friendship would be more or less affected.

Customer:

I do want her around

Customer:

besides the fact that I work with her, I do like her enough as a person to not want to hurt her

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Then please be careful with the way you approach it and set boundaries, he last thing you would want to afford is for her to feel pushed or controlled by you.

Customer:

but I will need to be patient I guess then

Customer:

absolutely

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I think so, and afford what could come, including new relationships she may have.

Customer:

probably be better for my character in the long run i suppose

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

I agree with you.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Please be patient, understanding, gentle and supportive with yourself too, in this way you would be able to better cope with obvious challenges this situation presents.

Customer:

like what sort of things i can do to help my patience or being able to cope with her feelings

Customer:

like maybe try and see someone else?

Customer:

social activities?

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

No, I would not recommend you to look for someone else if you are truly interested in this person, but not to obsess with her, to promote a stable life, sharing in healthy ways without pushing her nor yourself, respecting boundaries and trying to enjoy your friendship as much as possible. yes, social activities, healthy sharing and doing things that you enjoy, that bring more meaning and fulfillment into your life.

Customer:

on that note there was this event that she invited me to in a couple of months, I think she's also inviting her interest as well, we both know him. Would it be okay to go? And what sort of things can I do to be patient in that circumstance, we all work together too.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

You need to assess if you want and are able to be there with them and cope with it or if it's better for you not to be there, depending on how you feel and your coping skills.

Customer:

I see

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

The best approach would be for you to be very mindful about reality, what you feel, about what she feels and wants, respecting that and taking responsibility for your feelings without pushing them on her at all, but gradually working on deepening your friendship to see how far you may get, and for sure to get actively involved in bringing more fulfillment in your life at different areas for you to feel more in control and confident, stable and hopeful.

Customer:

that makes sense

Customer:

she is a positive aspect in my life

Customer:

so i should treat her that way

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Sure it does. Absolutely.

Customer:

even if its not exactly what I want right now

Customer:

I need to be a postive in her life as weel

Customer:

*well

Customer:

if i respect our relationship

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Correct, you can and should only control what depends on you. if you do a good job taking good care of yourself and playing a healthy role in her life, while gradually getting closer, then you would have more chances than pushing something too soon and not at the very best time.

Customer:

I think im feeling better now

Customer:

thank you for the advise

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Good. You're very welcome.

Rafael M.T.Therapist :

Thank you for your trust.

Customer:

Thank you for listening

Rafael M.T.Therapist, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3189
Experience: MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
Rafael M.T.Therapist and 4 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

JustAnswer in the News:

 
 
 
Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.
 
 
 

What Customers are Saying:

 
 
 
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
< Last | Next >
  • Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help. Mary C. Freshfield, Liverpool, UK
  • This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!! Alex Los Angeles, CA
  • Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult. GP Hesperia, CA
  • I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion. Justin Kernersville, NC
  • Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around. Esther Woodstock, NY
  • Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know. Robin Elkton, Maryland
  • He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here. Diane Dallas, TX
 
 
 

Meet The Experts:

 
 
 
  • Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
< Last | Next >
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/DE/deedeeham/2011-1-24_51523_408.64x64.JPG Dear Debra's Avatar

    Dear Debra

    Advice Columnist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1719
    I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/formybunch/2010-12-06_191055_img_0975.jpg Kate McCoy's Avatar

    Kate McCoy

    Counselor

    Satisfied Customers:

    1235
    Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/RE/resolutions66/2011-1-17_05728_IMG8202smilingeditedforJustAnswer.64x64.jpg Elliott, LPCC, NCC's Avatar

    Elliott, LPCC, NCC

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    1215
    35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/CO/CoachJenK/2012-3-9_31019_Jen.64x64.jpg Coach Jen K.'s Avatar

    Coach Jen K.

    LMSW, CPC

    Satisfied Customers:

    726
    Providing the utmost care and support.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/IN/intrapsyc.com/2012-2-20_161928_RGMTPicturex5002012.64x64.png Rafael M.T.Therapist's Avatar

    Rafael M.T.Therapist

    Psychotherapist

    Satisfied Customers:

    549
    MHT-MHRS-MS-MA Integral Psychotherapist & Life Coach
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/HU/hungryjack20/IMG_1281_edit_2.64x64.jpg Dr. L's Avatar

    Dr. L

    Psychologist

    Satisfied Customers:

    349
    Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
  • http://ww2.justanswer.com/uploads/SU/suzmsw/2011-9-2_184634_Thisone.64x64.JPG Suzanne's Avatar

    Suzanne

    Therapist, LCSW

    Satisfied Customers:

    338
    Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
 
 
 

Related Relationship Questions